I cannot ever thank you all enough for being "here" for me during this absolutely insane time in my life. I know I've said it before but I just wish I could make you guys understand how amazing you all are...
As I said the services were very emotional. I was very composed for the majority of it but at the end, there was a picture of Brian up with: Born April ##th, 19##. Died March ##th, 20##.
Something about seeing his death date and the actual word died. I can't explain it. I felt like my insides were being completely ripped apart. My poor step daughter and I sobbed together. And his ex wife and I held each other and our daughter. So painful.
But I really realized he was very, very disturbed. I made him so happy but it took so much out of me to keep him from the dark side. Our relationship was 85% good, but that other part was so awful. And it wasn't who he was; another person took over in his head. You could see it in his eyes. And I had to make so many unrealistic changes to keep him happy.
Normal people don't leave their beautiful children. We are supposed to protect our children. For him to do this.. it was far deeper than the issues in our marriage. I keep replaying our last interaction the night he did it. He came to my sister's house and we spoke through the screen door. I refused to let him in; I could see the darkness in his eyes and posture.
Graphic, morbid details starting here. Don't read if it's too much
He said he wanted a divorce. I told him that wasn't what I wanted. I wanted him to get help. I told him go somewhere right now for help, stop making excuses.
I said for the nth time, if he got help for his issues seriously. We could try counseling together.
I told him I was scared of him. We had had a horrible fight the night before that ended with him choking me in front of my mom and both kids.
I told him if he didn't leave I was going to call the police. And, he left.
I know this is long and dark but I feel I need to write it down.
His last texts to me were short. Saying that our children were our love children and if the love between us was gone he just couldn't do it. (Keep in mind during this whole separation, I've never said I didn't love him. Just that I needed to heal and he needed help)
He said he needed help that I couldn't give him and he knew what he had to do to help my recovery. And he just hoped he had the courage to do it.
I didn't see the texts until the morning and didn't think much of it because he very frequently says stuff like this.
I got home to pick my daughter up for school and I saw his car and I instantly knew. My mom said his alarm kept going off over and over and I told her I think he's dead, mom. I hesitated going in the room because I knew what was behind the door and I was so scared to see it...
I finally opened the door and as soon as I saw him. I threw up. I knew he was gone. I called 911 and said, "My husband committed suicide" the operator told me to cut him down and get him flat on his back. I was crying uncontrollably at this time. I knew he was dead and told the operator I couldn't do it. My mom cut him down and I tried to get him on his back but I just couldn't. He was wedged between her bed and her closet and he was just so heavy a solid 190 lbs.
The operator then told me to just calm down and get my kids out of the house. I immediately went into nurse mode. Grabbed my sweet babies put them in the car and drove it around the block right as the paramedics arrived.
I couldn't go back in the house. My grandfather came over and held me. He also went inside the house. He and Brian were very close.
Okay, I just felt like I needed to write it down and move past it. His last texts have been haunting me. But I really feel better today.
He felt his issues couldn't be resolved with therapy and knew it was hurting me to keep him happy. When he was sweet, he was so sweet. After my 13 hour shifts he would rub my feet automatically, rub my back every night.
He was so amazing with kids. I'm not a doctor but I really think he had borderline personality disorder. http://psychcentral.com/disorders/borderline-personality-disorder-symptoms/
Whenever he perceived that I was leaving him, even to hang out with a girlfriend or go to the gym, he would have a meltdown. And after I left the house in February, he became so paranoid and literally stalked me.
Anyway, I have no idea why I'm writing all this but it feels good.
prescriptionperil I love Joan Didion I should really read that book right now.
Also, absolutely no urges to use substances of any kind. The services were so painful and a very strong reminder that it's just me now and my kids need me.
I woke up this morning feeling so motivated.I want to live the healthy lifestyle I did in my teens and early twenties. Everything is really going to be okay eventually.
Oh my goodness this is so long and morbid, I'm sorry.
So much gratitude for this site and it's members,
The Beginning of My End to Addiction/Incredibly Rough Day Today. - Part 40