The Beginning of My End to Addiction/Incredibly Rough Day Today. - Part 42

By Sleepynurse · Mar 27, 2015 · ·
  1. Hi everyone,

    So just when I think I'm finally done being hurt by Brian something fucking happens...

    I don't even want to write about this here because it makes me feel so shitty.

    But through totally random chance yesterday I found out Brian had been having an affair since June of last year with a random woman. It ended very shortly after I got clean.

    At that point in our marriage I was working every Friday, Saturday, and Sunday night. It was the only option we had because of child care. I had JUST quit drinking (10 months sober today!) And my drinking was really awful at that time. He and I were both unsure if I could truly quit.

    He was always talking about how lonely he was and how much he missed me. Not saying it isn't super fucked but knowing Brian I know he used these things as justifications.

    Everything makes SO much more sense now. In January, when I got clean he kept talking about how happy he was to have his partner back, multiple times a day. And his absolutely psychotic behavior the month before his suicide, his obsession with me, He was projecting his guilt on to me. He was trying so hard to find out I was unfaithful to him so he wouldn't feel so guilty about his indiscretions.

    Brian knew that of all the fucked up shit he had done to me, if he stepped out of our marriage, no ifs, ands or buts about it, we would divorce. I remembered something he said the night he died, "I finally, truly believe you haven't been unfaithful to me."

    I'm not saying this is definitely why he did it but he knew we would never be together again if I ever found out (which people ALWAYS find out, honesty people). I kept wondering why he was so certain our marriage was over and it all makes SO much sense now. But at the same time makes the act seem that much more selfish; he didn't want to deal with the fallout if I found out... Like, be an adult and own up to your mistakes. I have. Absolutely regardless of possible consequences, I admitted my mistakes and sought help...

    The burden of guilt I felt, immediately lifted when I found this out. I was absolutely beating myself to death with the guilt and self-blame. Thinking if I had just gone back home, he would still be here. I was mourning the future we will never have but all that went away. I feel so much differently today than I did yesterday.

    It definitely made me feel pretty poorly about myself, totally sick to my stomach, but I will definitely get over it. It's just my almost non-existent self esteem just took another huge hit.

    I think and know that I'm a beautiful girl but I just feel so broken. Like what else am I going to have to endure. I'm not super worried about this right now but I really, really don't see how I'll be able to trust again...

    Anyway, thanks for being here guys.

    Much love,
    Amy

    Sleepynurse added 339 Minutes and 45 Seconds later...

    I'm fixated on it and totally making myself sick. I try to stop thinking about it but it remains right in the back of my mind.

    I'm definitely not as upset as i would be if he were alive but I'm very fucking hurt and disgusted.

Comments

  1. Jungledog
    Amy,

    When men or women have a history of cheating, it tends to happen again. Cheating rarely if ever has anything to do with the one cheated on. Instead it is all about the cheater and usually reflects their sense of being unloved. Many who cheat have unresolved childhood issues and these can be triggered by current stress in a relationship.

    I tend to say things as they are and my words can come across as harsh. Please know that is not my intention. Brian had some major fucking issues. You were not the first woman he was unfaithful to and if he lived you would not have been the last. HE had the issues!!! Your marriage had failed. He was abusive. In this case, the cheating could have been another form of abuse or more likely it was just his own poor self-esteem and need to act like a child seeking love instead of a husband supporting an addicted wife. He wasn't emotionally mature enough to support you. His actions, all his actions, were childish and selfish.

    You are angry and hurt right now mostly because you can't confront him. You can't scream at him and ask why. His suicide was his way out. His way to avoid his own guilt over the abuse and his actions. He was afraid and guilty and unable to face himself or you. His actions were partly cowardice but also those of a person with underlying severe depression. NONE of this is about you. It was all about him, all of it.

    This last part will be hard to swallow. You need to process your anger. You know anger is just a natural stage of grief. Be angry. Scream at him, yell it out. Pretend your pillow is him and beat the living shit out of it. Let the anger out. Then let it go. Do not allow Brian's actions to ruin your life. Your marriage was over BEFORE the suicide and before you found out about the affair. This information while painful has changed nothing except perhaps shedding more light on his thought processes. He loved you Amy. He couldn't face his own guilt over hurting you. His cheating wasn't really about you. His guilt though shows just how much he did love you. I know it is hard but remember sex is NOT love. Sex between two people who love each other to me is something bordering on holy. It is the ultimate act of devotion. But sex between two people who do not love each other is just a physical meaningless act that all animals do. Sex with Brian to create your children was love. Sex between Brian and his mistress was emotionally nothing and he knew it. Wrap your brain around that reality and when you are ready, let it go. Do not allow your own guilt about the addiction to color your response. You did what you needed to do to survive abuse by a man you loved but whom did not know how to love you back appropriately.

    Do you have a therapist? If not, get one. You need someone to help you process all this shit. Your kids need you and you need you. You are worthy of support.

    I am sorry this has all happened to you but I am thankful you are out of a dangerous and abusive relationship and young enough to move forward and build an amazing life. You will find love, true healthy love with another man Amy. You are worthy of this. Please know that this is true. As always, I wish you peace and love and many, many hugs.
To make a comment simply sign up and become a member!