So just when I think I'm finally done being hurt by Brian something fucking happens...
I don't even want to write about this here because it makes me feel so shitty.
But through totally random chance yesterday I found out Brian had been having an affair since June of last year with a random woman. It ended very shortly after I got clean.
At that point in our marriage I was working every Friday, Saturday, and Sunday night. It was the only option we had because of child care. I had JUST quit drinking (10 months sober today!) And my drinking was really awful at that time. He and I were both unsure if I could truly quit.
He was always talking about how lonely he was and how much he missed me. Not saying it isn't super fucked but knowing Brian I know he used these things as justifications.
Everything makes SO much more sense now. In January, when I got clean he kept talking about how happy he was to have his partner back, multiple times a day. And his absolutely psychotic behavior the month before his suicide, his obsession with me, He was projecting his guilt on to me. He was trying so hard to find out I was unfaithful to him so he wouldn't feel so guilty about his indiscretions.
Brian knew that of all the fucked up shit he had done to me, if he stepped out of our marriage, no ifs, ands or buts about it, we would divorce. I remembered something he said the night he died, "I finally, truly believe you haven't been unfaithful to me."
I'm not saying this is definitely why he did it but he knew we would never be together again if I ever found out (which people ALWAYS find out, honesty people). I kept wondering why he was so certain our marriage was over and it all makes SO much sense now. But at the same time makes the act seem that much more selfish; he didn't want to deal with the fallout if I found out... Like, be an adult and own up to your mistakes. I have. Absolutely regardless of possible consequences, I admitted my mistakes and sought help...
The burden of guilt I felt, immediately lifted when I found this out. I was absolutely beating myself to death with the guilt and self-blame. Thinking if I had just gone back home, he would still be here. I was mourning the future we will never have but all that went away. I feel so much differently today than I did yesterday.
It definitely made me feel pretty poorly about myself, totally sick to my stomach, but I will definitely get over it. It's just my almost non-existent self esteem just took another huge hit.
I think and know that I'm a beautiful girl but I just feel so broken. Like what else am I going to have to endure. I'm not super worried about this right now but I really, really don't see how I'll be able to trust again...
Anyway, thanks for being here guys.
Sleepynurse added 339 Minutes and 45 Seconds later...
I'm fixated on it and totally making myself sick. I try to stop thinking about it but it remains right in the back of my mind.
I'm definitely not as upset as i would be if he were alive but I'm very fucking hurt and disgusted.
The Beginning of My End to Addiction/Incredibly Rough Day Today. - Part 42