Thank you so much for this. I want to print it out and stick it all over my surroundings to help bring me back when I'm going to all these dark, full of heartsickness places.
I was just wondering did he even love me at all, or was he just so narcissistic he would say/do anything to make people give him love? Which at this point... what does it matter...
I called the other woman Thursday when I had gotten suspicions because I had to know. Maybe I shouldn't have ever done that... she didn't know he was dead and understandably she didn't want to talk to me. But I was kind to her; told her she had nothing to be afraid of from me.
She said when I got clean he kept talking about me more and more to her and she gave him an ultimatum, leave me or lose her.
I definitely feel great amounts of intense dislike for this woman. But Brian is equally deserving of this anger.
The things she was saying... I was just so angry with her. Talking about MY husband like this. I know I was being crazy. Like you said, JD, our marriage was definitely over well before all of this. But it still made me so angry.
I eventually hung up with her. I'm such a freak, providing comfort to this woman. But yesterday she sent texts to me saying, "you never saw what it was like between us. He may have been a liar, like you said but I just don't believe it. He was the light of my life. Please, tell me how he did it, I need to know that he didn't suffer"
I cannot begin to explain the anger I felt towards her. Unreal amounts of rage.
I thought of all the things I wanted to say to her, wanted to send her all of Brian's texts to me over the last year. Just call her a homewrecking, cunt. (Sorry...)
Wanted to say I'm the one he called and texted and visited the night of. He didn't say one syllable to you... he didn't care if you knew if he was alive or dead.
But, I said nothing. I knew that would be the best, most self loving course of action I could take. Engaging would only devastate me further. But then I just kept having these arguments in my head with her... I could feel how unhealthy this was but couldn't stop. She can believe whatever she wants; it is absolutely no concern of mine.
JD, my sister and Brian's ex wife, told me pretty much exactly what you said to me but I just couldn't listen to it coming from them. But from you, I know you don't respond to placate me. You have knowledge about that which you speak.
Your words never seem harsh, you are too sweet always worrying about that.
I cried as I often do when I read what you write but I immediately felt myself letting stuff go.
I will get angry at him. But after the kids go to sleep tonight. I'm looking forward to it, haha.
The Beginning of My End to Addiction/Incredibly Rough Day Today. - Part 43