Hey guys, thank you so much for your responses. This weekend was pretty bad, feeling really angry, sick and depressed. Had that horrible knot in my gut all weekend. I distracted myself from the questions and thoughts about it but as soon as the distraction was over, the thoughts returned.
On Monday, though, I was cancelling his American Express card and while on hold I was looking at his picture on the back of the card. Initially, I felt really sad but very quickly I was like, "that dude was fucking nuts." I took my keys and just scraped the picture off.
A little immature? Probably, but it made me feel better. The anxiety has since completely disappeared. I still engaged in some harmful behavior by going through his phone and reading messages he sent to people in the months before his death. (Not from Scarlett, though, he had deleted everything from her daily.I also deleted the messages from her to me and destroyed his SIM card so no further messages will be delivered.
In reading his conversations, it's just so obvious how deluded he was. Frequently saying how abusive I was to him, how in my darkest days he stuck by my side and now I was abandoning him and the kids, I was his world and he would never do anything to hurt me or our marriage...
Even to me he said I didn't remember how awful I was when I was drinking and we have both made "epic Fuck-ups" but he had never looked elsewhere for comfort.
I know reading those texts was masochistic but I was just so desperate for the answers I will never get. Like you said, JD, I can't confront him. But they really just reminded me how mentally unwell he was.
He did love me in his way but he also loved attention and had no qualms about lying to people he cared about.
I feel better; I really, really do. I had always known he would cheat on me and I do understand the whys and his lying.
I still feel so badly that my journal kind of pushed him over the edge and opened his eyes to the hurt he has caused, feel badly that I didn't see my texts from him but ultimately we would have gotten back together, he would continue cheating eventually and my substance abuse would have returned and most likely ended in my death.
I also stopped asking what I could have done differently as a wife to have prevented this. I loved him very much but resented him for the control and abuse and rightfully so. It's no shock that I wasn't going out of my way to make him feel good about himself. He didn't even want me to talk to my sister for eff's sake...
Anyway,I feel... almost at peace with everything.
On Friday, I got shitty news that I might possibly lose my home because I wasn't on the loan or title... I have to apply for a home loan for the remainder of our mortgage but... I don't have a fucking job. So who knows what is going to happen.
At first I couldn't stop crying but then I just reminded myself that even if I do lose the house, I WILL be a practicing RN again one day and we will find a new home...
So long, sorry. Going to the gym in a little bit here, too.
Love and hugs,
The Beginning of My End to Addiction/Incredibly Rough Day Today. - Part 44