The Beginning of My End to Addiction/Incredibly Rough Day Today. - Part 47

By Sleepynurse · Apr 15, 2015 · ·
  1. Yeah, JD, trust me I'm fucking terrified of being in a relationship. And I understand why my daughter constantly says this. She's really really missing daddy. It's terribly sad.

    TMI, maybe but yeah even sex with someone else really scares me. Anytime I've had "me time" since his death, he comes to my mind and then I have inevitably pictured him dead... it's so fucked. I try so hard but my mind is stuck on this.

    I was already feeling pretty horny before he passed but I still kind of figured we would have sex again at some point... it didn't freak me out to imagine him. But now... what am I supposed to do?

    Definitely not trying to talk to anyone until this gets better. My first time is going to be pretty weird anyway and I would hate to scar someone by crying or otherwise behaving weirdly during sex... :(

    But anyway that's just sex, the really scary part that I'm definitely not ready for is an emotional connection to someone else and I know my "picker" is broken. Have very bad judgement which I know stems from my low self esteem. So definitely trying to work on that.. :/

Comments

  1. Ghetto_Chem
    Your self awareness is uncanny. So many people could take a lesson from you. You'll definitely know when your ready for sex again but not now, as you said your picker is off and the last thing you need right now is a messed up guy/relationship to throw things out of whack again.

    Just know when the time comes for sex, whether its with someone you care about or just casual, simply be honest with them. You lost your husband and at best it might be an awkward first time hopping back on the saddle (pun intended haha.) If they are a halfway decent person they will have some empathy for you and understand, if not they can move along.

    I'm really glad to see you seem to be perking up :) and big congratulations on your 90days!! That's a really big deal in the AA/NA community, very happy for you.

    -GC
  2. Jungledog
    This time is for you. Think about what you want and what will bring you joy. All shit that happens to us always has a silver lining...all shit. Care for yourself. Set goals and reach them. Build that self esteem. You are perceptive, intelligent and thoughtful. You have much to give but remember to give to yourself first. Move past all of this and build your best life. You can do this. Grab joy. Grab it.
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