Had a good few days here. Decided to move out of my sister's house and back into my home. I have already gotten rid of most of Brian's stuff to family members and charity. I rearranged my bedroom furniture and just tried to change it up a little bit and I slept like damned baby the last two nights!
It was amazing. I haven't slept in a bed since Feb 7. Floors and couches only. I'm actually in my bed right now and it's wonderful, haha. No weird feelings about Brian and this being "our" bedroom. It's my room now.
I came to some strange realizations, I guess you could call them, last night. I went to see some live music with a couple friends that I had lost touch with during my marriage. It was so strange to be in that kind of setting without Brian. In crowds like that he was always my "protector" not that I needed protecting but I do have pretty serious anxiety. Without him around I definitely felt the anxiety pretty hardcore and especially since I was stone cold sober. It was interesting and a bit scary but I would say it was a good night and a good way to get my toes wet in being social again.
It had just been Me and Bri and the kids for sooooooooooo long. I really had forgotten that not everyone lives their lives like that; trapped in a house or at work the majority of your life. It's scary and exciting all at the same time not to be in that situation anymore!
Ah! It's weird but I really feel like right now my real life is beginning. It's a very strange feeling and I think I sound a little bit crazy but I really feel it. My experience on this planet has been an interesting one and not very pleasant or easy heretofore but I do feel like it's about to change in some amazing ways for me and for my children.
I may not feel like this tomorrow but the fact I felt it even for a moment is outstanding.
Love to you all. You will never know how much your thoughts and positive energy have helped me stay alive/positive/not sleeping in the gutter, haha. I really do feel like I have people that care about my journey and that is incredible.
Amy, the sleepy nurse
The Beginning of My End to Addiction/Incredibly Rough Day Today. - Part 48