The Beginning of My End to Addiction/Incredibly Rough Day Today. - Part 48

By Sleepynurse · Apr 19, 2015 · ·
  1. Hi everyone,

    Had a good few days here. Decided to move out of my sister's house and back into my home. I have already gotten rid of most of Brian's stuff to family members and charity. I rearranged my bedroom furniture and just tried to change it up a little bit and I slept like damned baby the last two nights!

    It was amazing. I haven't slept in a bed since Feb 7. Floors and couches only. I'm actually in my bed right now and it's wonderful, haha. No weird feelings about Brian and this being "our" bedroom. It's my room now. :)

    I came to some strange realizations, I guess you could call them, last night. I went to see some live music with a couple friends that I had lost touch with during my marriage. It was so strange to be in that kind of setting without Brian. In crowds like that he was always my "protector" not that I needed protecting but I do have pretty serious anxiety. Without him around I definitely felt the anxiety pretty hardcore and especially since I was stone cold sober. It was interesting and a bit scary but I would say it was a good night and a good way to get my toes wet in being social again.

    It had just been Me and Bri and the kids for sooooooooooo long. I really had forgotten that not everyone lives their lives like that; trapped in a house or at work the majority of your life. It's scary and exciting all at the same time not to be in that situation anymore!

    Ah! It's weird but I really feel like right now my real life is beginning. It's a very strange feeling and I think I sound a little bit crazy but I really feel it. My experience on this planet has been an interesting one and not very pleasant or easy heretofore but I do feel like it's about to change in some amazing ways for me and for my children.

    I may not feel like this tomorrow but the fact I felt it even for a moment is outstanding.

    Love to you all. You will never know how much your thoughts and positive energy have helped me stay alive/positive/not sleeping in the gutter, haha. I really do feel like I have people that care about my journey and that is incredible.

    xxoo,
    Amy, the sleepy nurse

Comments

  1. cren
    wow, its so good to hear that you are feeling so strong and so positive, and so soon. Its really shows alot about your strength.
  2. Jungledog
    Amy,

    I reread your whole thread today. You are healing and moving forward. Your best life is beginning and I am so very, very proud of you. I want you to be selfish for a bit. Build YOUR life. Keep going out with friends and find happiness within yourself. Do things for YOU. When your inside is healed and you are truly happy, you will attract the right people and situations into your life. It is how the universe works. Good attracts other good.

    I wish you the best love!
  3. Kitts
    Hey Amy,

    Good on you. :) What a wonderful update to read. Clever of you to switch the bedroom around a bit. I'm glad it feels like your room now. And happy to think of you and the kids back in your house together. It really feels like you're moving forward towards a new and happy life.

    I hope you keep positive. You deserve so much to be happy.
    Much love to you,
    Kitts.
  4. styledial
    Sleepy-
    I can't see you with self esteem issues - you've handled some of the most intense volatile, dangerous, degrading, emotional, and devastating events I can recall every witnessing. It reads like a movie almost verbatim - the screenplay could be adapted easily from your journal in this forum. All that's missing is the happy ending - or maybe not.

    What you do now is most important. Your addictions may have been problems but you overcame them in short order with no backsliding - a strength of character few possess. Clearly your husband was the trigger that propelled you to seek escape in the numbness of alcohol and drugs. Facing your problems and admitting to yourself the cause is your salvation and the reason you ditched alcohol and drugs so efficiently. Your's is more a love story than an addiction story. It's been riveting.

    This is your new beginning. You know what to do. You're a decorated veteran of a life filled with bad relationship choices. Don't make the same mistake again. This time around use your smarts to find an emotionally healthy man. Take it slowly and carefully build a healthy relationship. Don't forget the real problem that put you here. Take a long hard look at the emotional health of whoever you meet. Reject anyone that doesn't project safety and security. You have 3 children who need to feel safe and secure. That's you most important task now.

    Good Luck Sleepy. I'll never forget your struggle and your grace throughout. It's a story of strength and determination. Keep heading down that road and you'll find many happy endings.
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