Part 2 of Her Road to Addiction
So I became more and more mentally healthy. Still jogging 5 days a week and the feelings of betrayal I felt began to dissipate almost completely by a year out.
So when I was at uni the first time it was to become an English teacher. Sadly, i didn't realize until very late that teaching probably wasn't truly the profession for me. But then nursing popped into my head.
This is when when I moved back home and met my future husband. After baby sleepy was born i finished her pre-req's for nursing school. All the while prior, my husband, our baby and i were living at my mom's house. I was in school full time and still exercising daily and making sure my family was taken care of. we were saving up money so we could buy our own home.
We had finally gotten approved of a home and I was set to start Nursing school the month before. I had also started a part time job, waitressing to help with the added bills that would come with living on our own.
Going from living with my mom, not working except for school, working-out every day to living on our own for the first time, waiting tables 3 days a week and being in nursing school full time. Slowly i stopped exercising. I didn't even realize it but then one day, i thought, "I haven't exercised in TWO MONTHS!" I thought I was just too busy and had no help with the baby. I was feeling a bit overwhelmed with all these changes and found time to exercise almost non-existent.
After six months of living in our home, in school, and waitressing we were entertaining some family members and were drinking and playing board games. I drank, as we did from time to time, and I felt so relaxed for the first time in months. I hadn't realized how stressed out I had been feeling. And how on edge I had been.
Well after that night it was a sad, sad slide down into full blown alcoholism. Four months from that night i was drinking a liter of vodka a night and keeping it mostly hidden. I would drink at school out of water bottles. I would drink every single waitressing shift which sadly was easy because lots of my fellow servers would drink or use drugs while on the job. Drive drunk frequently, never with baby nurse in the car, thank god. I still passed that semester with flying colors and absolutely no one had any idea.
Well, a month or two later, i was pregnant with second sleepy baby. Overnight i stopped drinking. This reinforced in ny mind that i couldn't possibly have a problem with alcohol, otherwise, how could i quit so abruptly?
I finished 3rd semester totally sober but still not exercising. I delivered my second beautiful baby in the middle of fourth and final semester of nursing school! Totally drug free because I'm a freak like that and there is no opiate on the planet that gives the rush of child birth :-D.
I graduated nursing school two months later with two little ones! So proud of myself. I really felt like she couldn't truly have had a problem with alcohol or else how could i have graduated nursing school with a job and babies, to boot!
So sadly, around two months postpartum I began drinking again and it took no time to get back up to 750 mL- 1 L of vodka a night... my husband only ever noticed if i drank really fast and on an empty stomach. I would also pour him a little drink so that he would be a little buzzed and just assume i was a little buzzed.
I gained my dream nursing job and honestly did amazingly well at it. But i still had this addiction and sadly a dream job doesn't just make an addiction go away. I was getting wasted every single night.
One night while driving home completely intoxicated, I d hit a pole and nearly totaled my car. The car was in driveable condition (barely) and i limped it home. I had pissed myself in the front seat and just sat sobbing in the garage when ny husband finally came out to find me.
The darkest part of this story is I have absolutely no recollection of this event. my husband almost left me at this moment. People at the bar i was at tried to take my keys but i demanded to drive home... i have been so thankful everyday since then that i didn't take an innocent life that night. From that night on i has never driven inebriated. I think a lot of people would have thought that was rock bottom and i prayed it was. But I drank the very next night.
Every morning I woke up hating myself, wondering why I couldn't stop doing something I loathed so much. But night would fall and i would drink again. In secret. Taking shots in the bathroom or bedroom closets. I had become so good at hiding it. And never called out sick from work or anything.
At some point during this horrible addiction, one day after work I had left the hospital and upon arrival home to remove my scrubs I realized to my horror that I had forgotten to waste 0.5 mg of hydromorphone. I thought for sure i would be terminated the very next day even if I had a clean UA.
But i went to work the next day and .... No one knew. It was crazy to me. I kept the Dilaudid in my pocket for weeks. Until I truly realized, no one was missing it. I was very deep into my alcoholism at this point and this is the only reason I think I entertained the idea of using this medication at all. I remembered how good percocet had made me feel in the past.
I actually came to this forum to see how i could consume this medication as I had absolutely no desire to shoot. I realized i could draw it up and take it orally. Which i did. Definitely gave me a nice buzz and I put it out of myvmind.
Kept on with the drinking. I didn't feel like a person at all. I was either at work or at home waiting to get drunk. Doing the basic cares for my children, feeding and clothing them, bathing them and putting them to bed. But the second they were asleep i began slamming the vodka. And I really couldn't figure out why. I hated it so much and as a nurse, i knew the horrific damage I was doing to my liver and body. I had no calories from food, just liquor. Hated it so much but just. could. not. stop.
As time went on i slowly started to try to divert more and more medications. It was very slowly at first. Definitely not addicted to opiates at this time. One day I woke up and it didn't really feel different from another day but i said i wasn't going to drink that day. And I didn't. I am unsure why this time was different, I really wish I knew.
Well, the next day i thought about being drunk and longed for it but i had work and couldn't drink. I picked up extra shifts as to work seven days in row.
So at that time about 9 months ago, i was heavily into opiates and alcohol. I was diverting any narcs i had access, too, using them when she got home from work and when she would run out she would get wasted again. For some reason, she was able to finally quit alcohol around this time. I'm sure the opiates and some diverted benzodiazepines kept that physical withdrawal to a minimum but the psychological w/d was still there and very real; but before I knew it a month had gone by and I hadn't had one drink. I know that may seem like a minor accomplishment considering I was still in the midst of myopiate addiction but i still struggled greatly.
I had started injecting subQ at first and when i stopped feeling the "euphoria" from that method is when I first contemplated IV'ing it. I knew that IV'ing it would probably cross me over a line that i was unsure I would ever be able to cross back from...
But i did it anyway. I don't need to describe that first experience as I'm sure most of you can figure out how it went. It was just 4 mg Morphine and that was all it took. I tried going back to subQ but it was nowhere close to the strength from IV. And most of you know how it goes from there. You keep needing more and more to attain the same feelings and there were several times in the last couple months where I knew I had OD'd...
It was a few months after starting IV'ing, that I couldn't get through a day at work with out IV'ing. I had never used at work before but now I "couldn't" get through a day without injecting. I still did my job and cared for all my patients but I took frequent breaks to fix. :-(
In the last couple months, the "high" I would get was so minimal, I mean truly like lasting only ten seconds and I just felt so ill all the time. Nauseated and exhausted. I have experienced no pleasure from using for a couple months. I had tried to quit on my own countless times, without telling my husband or employer but the w/d's were just so unbearable and If I was at work with access to the instant cure for my suffering... I just couldn't not use.
That was when I knew that if I wanted to get better, I had to do the drastic thing and let my employer and husband know... and now I'm here. Jobless. Depressed. Scared to death that my husband is wanting to divorce me even though all I want is to get back to the woman he fell in love with.
I went to the gym yesterday and my endurance has definitely declined but I was still able to eke out 3- 5 minute jogging intervals. My body was screaming in pain and my lungs, too. But I kept telling myself, your mind is stronger than your body. If you can push through this, you can push through anything! Hell, if you can push through childbirth unmedicated you can push through most suffering and I have done that twice.
It was a very empowering work-out. Kept telling myself, screw my employer I can do this without them. I actually worked out for 60 minutes in total which might seem small but is a huge first step to getting my self back.
Sorry so long! Just couldn't stop typing!
The Beginning of My End to Addiction/Incredibly Rough Day Today. - Part 5