The non-edited version of my addiction - Part 1

By CKitten · Feb 14, 2015 · ·
  1. At least I am breathing.



    Trying to make me ok is not going well. After lurking on the DF site for quite a few months. I wrote a long thought out introduction and wanted to get the "true" me out there. I then realized that while it is the "true" me, it is the "edited" version. I want to lay the full deck of cards on the table of my issues/addictions, how I got there (am here) and to try and explain how things happened and why they are this way. The plains facts are: I am depressed, broke, suicidal, in the throes of emotional destruction and have an addiction.

    I will post that "edited" version at some point. Right now, my raw nerves and emotions are sitting at the key strokes, and they need to be heard first. I am sad. I have been sad always. I can't remember when I wasn't sad. I wake up and look around and nothing makes me smile. I used to be able to fake it. The weird thing is that now that I have an Oxy addiction, I don't care. My therapist that used to say "What is behind the mad?"- I am a very angry person and when she said that, I realized I was just sad. Sad and depressed.


    What this is all coming down to right now is this: I am unemployed right now. I am waiting on responses from those interviews and job status will affect how I do this detox.


    I want to do a slow taper but I want to go cold turkey. I'm lost on that. I am also lost on if I want to do this at all. I don't HAVE to. My Dr keeps saying that I am on a high dose but my counter argument is that it is still working to control my pain- so why change it? I know he has to fight to keep my script every 3 months. I am scared that I will walk in there one month and find out that I am getting cut of ASAP. I feel physically ok. I don't get high anymore- actually, I don't think I ever did. The pain from FM, IBS, RA, OA and massive joint damage is there but under a haze of meds. I'm prescribed 100mg of oxy that I take via insufflation which I have now learned is only a 60% uptake.

    The insufflation is a BIG part of the addiction too. The prep and the procedure is also a comfortable habit. (This is something that I have not really read on anyone's thread- that the action of DOING the process of medicating is part of the addiction itself.) I also take a host of other medication for insomnia- Trazodone 150mgs/nightly & Zopiclone 15mgs/night and for depression Lamotrigine 400mgs/daily and Elavil 50mgs/daily. As I am planning to do a detox and my anxiety/panic is very high, I begged my Dr to give me an anit- so I was prescribed Lorazepam.

    He did not give me the amount I need to actually be able to do a CT detox at that second, but it does help, so if I do go CT, I know it will help. I also take multi- vits, B-12, B-6 and when I find more money will be able to expand to the other vits that I need. (Vitamin D and massive amounts of Vit C)

    I don't want to be me but I don't know where or who I am.


    I don't like asking for help and feel like a failure in doing so. I have no where else to go and have seen how this group can cradle someone and to kick their ass when needed. Right now, I need someone that can at least blink and understand what I am going through and to tell me that I am going to be ok- or at least will hold my hair back while I am puking.

Comments

  1. prescriptionperil
    Welcome to Drugs Forum

    God, I wore sad, until I realized I was enraged, for a damn good reason. Despite a ten year, legitimate script for a host of chronic pain issues, I'm doing an illicit sub taper, in hoping to replenish my natural endorphins. Orally, oxy's absorption rate exceeds insufflation, so using it that way for pain isn't ideal.

    Your anquish resonated with me.

    You're brave to ask for help. I don't trust easily, but I hope you come to consider this your safe place.

    We're pretty non judgemental here.
  2. TheBigBadWolf
    Kitten,
    a warm welcome to DF.

    You're obviously in a very tricky situation that will need some time to get the knots out of it and pull the strands out straight - if you catch my picture.

    This will take a while, I fear and hope at the same time, speeding things like a detox up for some (any) reason usually leads into failing which again is not helpful with the guilt and remorse we use to put on ourselves due to our childhood conditioning and the opinionated view of General Public (he's a dick, that guy!) we have to bear each day of being an opioid patient..

    As if we'd like to be outcasted from society just because we are in need of a med that soothes the issues we do have - whether it is pain control or substitution therapy - it's the first thing we have to earn and learn by heart and believe in it: I am not guilty for needing my meds.

    So, you report that your meds are working in the dose you are taking now.
    What exactly is it that makes you want to taper or anyway cut down the use of oxy?

    I am sure that the DF community can and will help you with your issues, giving support and advice if needed, we re a pretty respectful non-judgemental helpful bunch of druggies you can trust in.

    Again, Kitten, welcome to DF :vibes:

    All the best for your venture that will follow - and thank you for the trust you put in us being so open and honest in your first post on here.

    BBW
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