At least I am breathing.
Trying to make me ok is not going well. After lurking on the DF site for quite a few months. I wrote a long thought out introduction and wanted to get the "true" me out there. I then realized that while it is the "true" me, it is the "edited" version. I want to lay the full deck of cards on the table of my issues/addictions, how I got there (am here) and to try and explain how things happened and why they are this way. The plains facts are: I am depressed, broke, suicidal, in the throes of emotional destruction and have an addiction.
I will post that "edited" version at some point. Right now, my raw nerves and emotions are sitting at the key strokes, and they need to be heard first. I am sad. I have been sad always. I can't remember when I wasn't sad. I wake up and look around and nothing makes me smile. I used to be able to fake it. The weird thing is that now that I have an Oxy addiction, I don't care. My therapist that used to say "What is behind the mad?"- I am a very angry person and when she said that, I realized I was just sad. Sad and depressed.
What this is all coming down to right now is this: I am unemployed right now. I am waiting on responses from those interviews and job status will affect how I do this detox.
I want to do a slow taper but I want to go cold turkey. I'm lost on that. I am also lost on if I want to do this at all. I don't HAVE to. My Dr keeps saying that I am on a high dose but my counter argument is that it is still working to control my pain- so why change it? I know he has to fight to keep my script every 3 months. I am scared that I will walk in there one month and find out that I am getting cut of ASAP. I feel physically ok. I don't get high anymore- actually, I don't think I ever did. The pain from FM, IBS, RA, OA and massive joint damage is there but under a haze of meds. I'm prescribed 100mg of oxy that I take via insufflation which I have now learned is only a 60% uptake.
The insufflation is a BIG part of the addiction too. The prep and the procedure is also a comfortable habit. (This is something that I have not really read on anyone's thread- that the action of DOING the process of medicating is part of the addiction itself.) I also take a host of other medication for insomnia- Trazodone 150mgs/nightly & Zopiclone 15mgs/night and for depression Lamotrigine 400mgs/daily and Elavil 50mgs/daily. As I am planning to do a detox and my anxiety/panic is very high, I begged my Dr to give me an anit- so I was prescribed Lorazepam.
He did not give me the amount I need to actually be able to do a CT detox at that second, but it does help, so if I do go CT, I know it will help. I also take multi- vits, B-12, B-6 and when I find more money will be able to expand to the other vits that I need. (Vitamin D and massive amounts of Vit C)
I don't want to be me but I don't know where or who I am.
I don't like asking for help and feel like a failure in doing so. I have no where else to go and have seen how this group can cradle someone and to kick their ass when needed. Right now, I need someone that can at least blink and understand what I am going through and to tell me that I am going to be ok- or at least will hold my hair back while I am puking.