The non-edited version of my addiction - Part 2

By CKitten · Feb 14, 2015 · ·
  1. Thank you for your support TheBigBadWolf and Prescrptionperil for your welcomes.

    Reason for taper/CT: The level of Oxy that I am taking (100mg daily) seems a bit high for the medical community as I don't present with x-rayable problems. Other then the RA/OA that can be proven, the rest does not seem to warrant that level of medication. Every time I go in for a renewal, my Dr states that I am on a high dose and I know that he has to defend my prescriptions to the higher power. I am scared to be caught with my pants down with a "Hey- you're done now." My Dr and I have a great relationship and I am pretty honest with him- other than how I take my meds.

    There has been a crackdown (ha-ha) on prescription opi's here- just like everywhere. Government town, high paycheques and over prescribing Drs really screwed it for those of us that need them.

    The "Edited" version- not edited as I left stuff out but edited in regards to making it "perfect"- another issue I have.


    Get comfy- it's just the overview, but long. Just to know that someone might be reading this or that I finally could get this out other then in my journals and pieces of paper in my house.




    No friends, in debt, abandoned by everyone that I used to save and a marriage that is in the gasping final breathes. All of this was/is my fault, my doing. Not following the rules. Not knowing where to look to find the pieces of good "me"- if there is any left.


    The seal around puzzle box was opened a long time ago and the picture on the cover has all but faded. Every once and a while there is a lost piece I find. I try to lift up the edge of the box to put in a safe place- so I won't forget. I don't want to remember. Disgust , resentment, depression, the pure hatred of who I was, who I am and who I was supposed to be. I have failed at everything I have ever tried- I even tried to kill myself and failed at that.


    I have had some form of addiction from as far back as I can remember. It was more of a cry for control. I was forced into the role of a protector at a young age over my sisters. Home, while from the outside looked perfect, was a hell hole for me. I have never felt safe or wanted or welcomed or pretty or- or- or- unless in an addicted state. I COULD that- I can CONTROL that.


    An eating disorder that was almost encouraged. Abuse that was fluffed off. Having a shrink tell me that the fighting in the family was my fault, that the quietness that I wanted would only be there if I could just learn to be a "good girl" and just follow the rules. I shut up. I controlled everything I could. Protected my sisters. Hid my emotions- even from myself. I gave my child up for adoption at 17 and I have blocked so much of my past out of my head that I can't remember if his birthday is the 26 or the 27th.


    The spiral started straight down at the end of 2007. 2008 I had gastric by-pass. At 5'4"- 260lbs, I needed help. My Dr. and I were talking about knee surgery and then he asked if I thought about losing weight...I dropped my jaw and sad- "No, I just woke up one morning and decided to be a chunk-o-lumpagus." During surgery they wound up breaking 2 ribs. The morphine pump was put in for post-op pain was only directed to where the incision was and did nothing to calm the pain of the broken ribs- which at that time, the nursing staff was informed of. I was then given oxy for the pain which felt wonderful, not only made the pain away but for making me feel safe. When I came back to home, I had a script for 10 mgs Oxy to help with pain recovery. The weight fell off quickly- 120bs.


    My Dr is great and prior to the Gastric, we had been trying to manage my pain with just about everything else. Nothing was working. I noticed that the Oxy was helping with the overall pain (duh) after surgery and I asked to be able to continue to stay on this medication. I am very pro-active with my research and have a drug journal so that I can keep track of what meds I have been on. This all was going on when Oxy- at least where I was living- was still the wonder drug and the Drs were giving them out like Halloween treats. Just for fun add depression, anxiety, bi-polar (rapid cycling) and a few learning disabilities.


    I thought Friday the 13th (my lucky day) was going to be my first taper from OXY- or could make some kind of decission on WTF to do. Well I should not say my first. I have done it before and failed, and then about 2 weeks ago started with a sense of determination that I have never had before.. Explained to my partner that I would need his support to which I got a "I don't want to be blamed for this when it fails." I was down to 60mgs (which was taken half oraly, and then just said fuck it, I have to set up a better support network if I cannot rely on him.


    Then I talked 3 different people in my "group" of friends. The first two are very active in my life- although one is on the other side of the country. They are aware of my medication and pain issues and have known me for about over 12 years. I told them that I was planning this and they could tell that I was serious this time. Got a "Good!" "Awesome!" and they both seemed very supportive and I was touched. The dynamic of our relationship s that I am 'Mama"- I take care of them, helped them whenever they needed anything, emotionally, and when I could, financially support. I brought the ice cream and booze when things went sideways or upside down. I felt guilty about asking them to support me in this as our normal roles would be reversed.


    The third friend and I were very close and we drifted apart after her children were born. We had a normal friendship- no mother/daughter thing here. I explained what was going on in my life and what I wanted to do. She was a bit shocked at the amount of medication I was on but was also on the bandwagon of helping me out. I felt great. I had support outside of my partner and 'fessed up to my friends and was all set.


    I know that I didn't give them a specific date that I was going to start. I told them that I had (have) a plan. Since that day- almost 15 days ago- I have not heard anything from any of them.

    This is where I hope DF can come in. I feel bad about typing this and asking for help but I really need...I don't know...something

Comments

  1. Avyctes
    I don't mean to be an advocate for addiction or anything, but don't you need the meds for all the pain-related health issues you just listed? The depression seems to be something else you have to work through, though I know for myself that chronic pain can cause serious depression.

    If it makes you feel any better, I was in the same boat just a month ago, had been searching for a job for 3 YEARS now while dealing with chronic back pain (cervical, thoracic, and lumbar are all damaged in different ways) and now I'm getting ready to start training: if someone as unhireable as ME can get one, then you certainly will dude!!! ;) I know its hard to be optimistic when depressed & in pain (not to mention both) but I promise it'll get better...
    Well, being honest, I'm around 89% sure it will get better. ^_-

    What helped me was putting up post-it notes of encouraging quotes from figures I envy; there's a site called (i believe) "The Positivity Blog" that my friend suggests as well that has a post about quotes as well.

    I hope my honesty helped bro. Mad props on having a strong enough sense of comprehension that you noticed you have a problem with depression: I was in Manic drug-fueled denial for a while with mine.
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