Thanks Avyctes- I do need the meds for pain but I don't know if "the man" will keep filling my script and not just push me into pain management.
As for the depression and mental crud- it's hard to remember an unaltered happy me. Either I didn't care and zombie-fied, or was numb, or I felt so happy that it was fake. I wanted THAT to be real but nope. I can have such a cycle that in 30 seconds can go rage/happy/kill/happy. I have noticed that always, but just like you say- when the pain kicks in I am writing with scented coloured markers, sniffing all the way into deep crazy land. Toot toot on the crazy train!
As for employment- I don't want to be a manager- I just want to be staff. I have 20 years (yup, that many) of management and employers are not hiring me as they think I will jump ship as soon as something better comes along. Just pay me to scan the groceries and be done with it!