Here's the kicker right now... I should say kickers:
No job = no $
No $ = borrowing
Borrowing = parents
Parents = "You're a disappointment" AND "Hey, we don't admit that we did anything to fuck you over, you're just crazy. We've been telling you that for years- and Mom is a psych nurse, so we know!"
Sell my soul everytime I talk to them. It's just really fucked up.
I have a tendency to put myself into detox every month. Yup, I am that special. When I first get my script, it's all hands on deck, pills must be in my face! About 160 mgs a day- my script is for 100mgs. Then something clicks in and I go "Wait and minny fuckface, you have another 3 weeks before you get a renewal, so time to count out." So I do. Then it's the "Well, if you do 4 today, that will only leave you 3.5 for the rest of the time. Sounds good!" Then that turns into "Ok, breaks on the popping. Recount. Ok, 3.5 is now down to 2.5. You can do that, right? I mean, you don't really have a choice..." I usually take a day off and stay in bed all day with the crawlies hitting me 10 hours after dosing, followed by RLS so bad that the cat has been launched off the bed at a pretty high speed from the lack of control.
I have pillaged this site for info and a big thanks to y'all for the great info I have found. Even found out why I am getting bugged by my Dr to get off the Oxy. I guess they are kicking people out who DON'T have cancer. Awesome-sause. I mean, to look at me you would think that I'm fine and thanks for judging my pain just by looks alone. Painests. Like racists. I'm good at hiding stuff. Lots of stuff. Addictions, mental disorders (when I can), food issues, pretty much anything that says I'm not "normal"- whatever the fuck that is. Oh wait, let me go check with my Mom.
Also, with shorting myself on Oxy the massive depression hits me and we all know where that thinking goes. I cycle so fast. I don't know how to stop that. Don't get me wrong- I am a firm believer is crazy drugs. If I had cancer or diabetits, I would be taking meds for it and it's I don't enjoy being messed up in my brain. I am usually pretty good about taking them until I get to the point that I don't notice my crazy- when they are actually working- and then I forget. That starts the whole thing all over again.
I tried to get benzos from the Dr for anxiety but he pretty much said no. I did push him- we have a good-ish relationship where I can say I need this and show him journal studies and things- and he gave me some Lorazepam but only a 30 day script at .50 a day... I also kinda hinted at the subject of going down on Oxy to get more anxiety meds but that gave me a resounding "No."
I am really scared of telling him anything about the way I use my meds as I have FM and a whole bunch of other pain related issues. I don't want the pain relief med that I do have get cut off. I haven't raised my dose is 2-3 years so I know this kinda works for me. I still have pain but I'm not asking for more. Also, with research, I come to find out that the Baclofen is a counter measure (interaction with receptors) for the Oxy so that is just perfect. Give me two meds that cancel each other out for pain.
Applied for 22 jobs on Monday. Not ONE phone call back. Hydro (electricity) just gave me a cut off date notice so up goes the stress there.
I am just at a loss right now. My partner doesn't really get the severity of my pain or the stress that happens when I have to ask him for money to pay bills. He doesn't offer even though he knows I have no cash. Just great.
Have to beg for cash now to make sure the mortgage payment goes through...