The Percentage Of Progress

By Rinem · Jan 11, 2018 · ·
  1. Math has never been my strong subject. Earlier today I was calculating how much I usually take a day, what percentage 10% of that was, (since that’s how much my doctor suggested going down every day if possible, every couple if not), figuring out where I could lower doses, what percentage lower that would be, etc. For a good hour I was pumped because I thought I’d figured out a way to go down by 60% in just two days while still keeping things really manageable for me. It didn’t really make sense that it could be that easy, but numbers have never made sense to me, so I accepted it. Until I started getting really anxious and I decided to look at it again to see where I might add a half dose in case I really needed it, like soon if I couldn’t get myself calmed down. Then I saw my mistake. I had numbers written down in both grams and spoonfuls-and had used both together when I did my calculations. I had actually only figured out a way to go down by 15% in two days.

    It’s better than nothing, more than my “assignment” and I’m trying to pick myself up. But this road looks long and impossible. I feel terrible, but I can’t take another dose for another 30 minutes. I thought the beginning was supposed to be easy, and then it got harder as it went along. If that’s true, and it’s this bad now, I don’t know if I can do this. I’ve been numbing my emotions for a year and a half. First with Hydrocodone, then Tramadol, then and now kratom. Its not just the emotions, the pain is coming back. The pain is why I took them in the first place.

    I’m working myself up too much, I’m going to try meditating or getting involved in some pointless game on my phone. I’ve been beating myself up today over those numbers,which as someone recently pointed out to me, I ought not do.

    Namasté
    (I honor the light in you that is also in me.)

    About Author

    Rinem
    I am female, almost thirty, and live in Mississippi, USA. I’m Buddhist, have two cats, and when I can rent a more pet friendly house, (and have more money from not having to buy drugs!) plan to get a dog and a tortoise. I have PTSD, General Anxiety Disorder, and Major Depressive Disorder.
    Kremnitzer robert likes this.

Comments

  1. Kremnitzer robert
    Hey it's good for me to see someone else who is going through this crap to I've been on for a long long time started with tramadol then Norco oxys Percocet Dilaudid methadone and eventually tried h was able to get away quickly I knew I would end up dead I'm currently on fentanyl and I'm out using red dragon kratom but I have to take alot to get me to where I feel myself done alot of research on opiates and they are also a antidepressant only thing that works for my depression and pain but do you or anyone know what is the right amount of kratom for me have unfortunately a high tolerance for everything
  2. Rinem
    @Kremnitzer robert I already told you in my other comment about not posting this stuff on recovery journals, so I won’t say it again, I get you did it because you are desperate and probably weren’t thinking it might be triggering for someone who is trying to get off Kratom to think abkout what would work for someone else. You’ll find a lot of people going through what you are in other forums about Kratom. As for amount, it’s whatever works that you can tolerate, it’s not using continuous days that’s the trick of not getting addicted. Some people do three days on, three days off, some say you should only use it once a week. Maybe you could use fentanyl a couple days, Kratom a couple, and so on so you won’t get addicted to either? I know nothing about fentanyl.
  3. Rain.don
    Hey,

    I can totally relate. It’s really hard. I know first hand. I started with hydro, perks, and tried to quit and found Kratom but I can’t get off. I can’t taper it will cause me to not focus on anything but the clock and give me unbelievable anxiety. Cold turkey puts me through physical and mental anguish and I work 2 jobs and have 2 middle school aged kids and I’m divorced so I have no time to lay around which isn’t fun when you’re in mental torture!! So I’m stuck on it. Spending money I don’t have for fear of withdrawal. I hope your addiction hasn’t gotten u this far. I’ll be here for support because I understand and know exactly how u feel. Mental withdrawal is the worst for me. The wish for death depression the anxiety and lethargy is horrible. Just gives me anxiety remembering my last one when I ran out New Year’s Eve this year and spent New Year’s Day sick and severely depressed. I can’t just go buy more in town. I live in a state where it’s illegal. So until the mail arrives which I had on coming but I knew it wasn’t gonna be On Jan 1st!!! God that was awful. I feel for you but stop beating yourself up. It makes things worse even though I beat the shit out of myself!! Easier said than done. If u need to chat with someone so u don’t feel some. I’m your gal!! Lol

    Hugs and more hugs,

    Rain.don
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