Math has never been my strong subject. Earlier today I was calculating how much I usually take a day, what percentage 10% of that was, (since that’s how much my doctor suggested going down every day if possible, every couple if not), figuring out where I could lower doses, what percentage lower that would be, etc. For a good hour I was pumped because I thought I’d figured out a way to go down by 60% in just two days while still keeping things really manageable for me. It didn’t really make sense that it could be that easy, but numbers have never made sense to me, so I accepted it. Until I started getting really anxious and I decided to look at it again to see where I might add a half dose in case I really needed it, like soon if I couldn’t get myself calmed down. Then I saw my mistake. I had numbers written down in both grams and spoonfuls-and had used both together when I did my calculations. I had actually only figured out a way to go down by 15% in two days.
It’s better than nothing, more than my “assignment” and I’m trying to pick myself up. But this road looks long and impossible. I feel terrible, but I can’t take another dose for another 30 minutes. I thought the beginning was supposed to be easy, and then it got harder as it went along. If that’s true, and it’s this bad now, I don’t know if I can do this. I’ve been numbing my emotions for a year and a half. First with Hydrocodone, then Tramadol, then and now kratom. Its not just the emotions, the pain is coming back. The pain is why I took them in the first place.
I’m working myself up too much, I’m going to try meditating or getting involved in some pointless game on my phone. I’ve been beating myself up today over those numbers,which as someone recently pointed out to me, I ought not do.
(I honor the light in you that is also in me.)