the slaughter of my demons and dragons - Part 1

By poppybreath · Dec 30, 2014 · ·
  1. I just hit one month sober. It is hard coming to terms with everything that has happened to me in my entire life. At 5 years old I locked myself in the bathroom and puffed my inhaler until my family smelled it, broke the door down and called poison control. I experienced hallucinations and nearly passed out, this is where I believe my love for intoxication began to spore. At 12 years old I was introduced to moonshine, my family produced it for our own consumption; I also found out how wonderful opiates felt during this period of my life. I tried to commit suicide during this year as well, I ended up in a mental institution and was diagnosed with manic depression. It was not until I hit 13 that I began smoking Marijuana. At age 15 I discovered my two "bestest" of (drug)friends ever. One, an 18 year old with a terrible cocaine and speed addiction; the other, a best friend from middle school who also had an eating disorder. Our older male friend began providing us with any drug we wanted, and this is when I began skipping school. By the end of my freshman year I had spent 6 months tweaking out and losing weight, in a downward spiral of drug and alcohol abuse. At the end of my freshman year, my older male friend and I went and bought some cocaine, we then went and bought needles...this was the first time anyone had ever asked me to shoot up with them.

    After losing massive amounts of weight, my girl-friend and I realized how wonderful drug binges really are. I dropped out during the first semester of my sophomore year. I'd found a way around the system and skipped school every day; by the time it was time for court intervention, my parents decided to pull me from school for "home schooling". I stopped going to school for good on the day of my 16th birthday. Now, my parents had somewhat given up on me at this point. We fought all the time over my drug and alcohol abuse, as I had been using at this point, every day, for around two years. My parents were distraught and could not agree on how to raise me, so they split into two different homes. My entire childhood was traumatic, so when they finally gave up on me, I was so happy. I was able to get away from the people who had mentally and emotionally tortured me my entire life. I spent every night partying with friends or alone, and rarely ever spent time at home. At 16 I also found my soul-mate, we were both into drugs, but he hated speed; unless it was cut into rolls. Heroin and morphine scared him, so he wasn't into getting into that stuff with me. Again, I was using every day, anything I could get my hands on. At 17 I quit the speed but continued the morphine, xanax, and alcohol most of the week. I had tapered off a bit, and the amounts I was doing weren't anything in comparison to what I had before. Unfortunately, it was at 17 that I really began abusing my body in the worst way possible. I found out what it was like to trade my body out for whatever material item my heart desired, so I began cheating on my soulmate. We went on and off another 5 years, in that amount of time I cheated more times than I can recall, and it eats away at his soul and mine every day. During the last three years I have been in the worst downward spiral of my life. I began using every single day, broke up with my soulmate three times, to spend 4-5 months each time escorting my life into the pits of hell. He put up with so much, watching me kill myself slowly, watching me hurt him in the worst ways possible, and yet he always told me he would be there. All I can say is that I knew I was killing myself slowly, and the haze left me like the walking dead. I felt as though I had no soul, I took pleasure in dragging others into my horrendous life. About a year and a half ago, I began dating this british dude who was still married but amidst divorce. I stayed at his house every night, we did cocaine together and partied. He provided me with some of the most life altering experiences I'd ever had. We would regularly get so drunk I'd fall asleep on top of him and honestly he treated me better at that point than anyone I had been with. We had a drug and alcohol routine that allowed us to continue working just fine, and we didn't necessarily binge....One night I took some acid, went downtown, and couldn't get ahold of him. So, I called my soul-mate to come get me, as I was stuck at my friends apartment downtown without my car and she was passed out. So, he came and got me, because he has always been there for me when I really needed it. We got back together that night, and I stopped using hard drugs(meth, heroin, cocaine, ecstasy) for another 6 months. About a week later the guy I had been dating shot himself in the head at a university campus. I was distraught but had no one to speak to about it. By this time I had secured a new rental duplex at the road that nearly killed me. This neighborhood contained a liquor store less than a block away, a chinese restaurant, a gas station, a mexican restaurant, a gas station, a club, and a brothel right down the way. It was everything I had dreamed of my entire life of using. The best part of all in my opinion, was that my next door neighbor, across the driveway from me, dealt every drug you could think of. My soul-mate lived with me and kept me away from this guy as much as possible, in the 4 months we lived there together. My soul-mate and I had a terrible relationship, we loved each other but loathed each other. We had a sort of brother sister relationship, yet I had harmed him and myself in so many ways over the years, that there was just no way we could stay together. So I kicked him out of the house. The next day I went across the street and grabbed a sack of bud from the neighbor whose house had been forbidden. He offered me pills for free, as he "didn't want to make me pay for them"; when he saw how I handled my pills and alcohol, he broke out the meth pipe....We binged on meth, heroin, and prescription pills for the next 3 months. I lost the job I had maintained for 7 years, lost 35 pounds, ended up in the hospital from for assault and suspected drug use. As I had been asphyxiated I had to go to the hospital. At this time I was coming down from methamphetamine and heroin, yet firmly denied to police, ems, and hospital staff that I was not on any drugs. I was in a state of psychosis, and grimy. At this point both my feet had become so riddled with badly infected sores, that one had swollen to nearly double its size aand in my foot. My ankle
    nd seared in mass amounts of pain. The days proceeding the assault I missed a shot into the back of my knee, hit an artery on my ankle, and another in my wrist. Body parts were swollen, infected, my arms and legs were covered in bruising and sores. I looked like a royal wreck. I hallucinated that my junkie drug dealer friend was being interrogated inside the hospital. My sister and mother were able to calm me down enough to return home the following morning. I did not press charges for the assault.

    From here everything got worse, I had no job so I began "free lancing", y'all get what I mean....All I wanted were drugs, which were provided for free, and money to blow on ridiculous outfits and such. I had wrecked my car for good at this point, so was basically living with the neighbor across the street. I couldn't afford to keep my duplex, so I became desperate and did everything I could to get my hands on some cash. All the while, exploitation. There are many things I can't really talk about yet...I'm scared to and every time I try, the panic attacks arrive in the devils charriot.

    I've been sober a month and a half now, left my duplex and had other people move my stuff out so I would never have to go back to that area. That one street offered me everything I needed to ruin the life I had made for myself thus far. I chose not to go to rehab. Went to a psychiatrist, who gave me a prescription for clonidine (which doesnt really work too well for anything other than knocking me out) I am bipolar and have been on Lamictal and Prozac for 5 years, it's a good combo and the only one that has helped me a lick.

    Anyway, I'm still dopesick. The first two weeks I was extraordinarily sick, it was agonizing and felt as though I was dying. I literally thought I had an abscess in my tonsil from the pain, so went to an emergency clinic where they sent me home with antibiotics and basically said they didnt know what was wrong with me. Funny thing was, the tonsil that had it the worst, is on my snorting side. My septum is deviated severely and everytime people check it out they have a comment to make, I'm wondering if surgery would help with my breathing issues. My mouth had been rotting away from eating and snorting the meth, so of course, I knew exactly why I had such a nasty infection in my throat. Either way, after the first two weeks I wasn't so sickly, I could actually get out of bed and walk around with the living. After those two weeks it has just been agonizing mentally and physically. I am sitting here and every bone in my body aches, and its winter too! I have injury related arthritis in my knee and shoulder....I can only imagine what being on the depo-provera shot for 7 years and doing drugs for ten has done to my body.

    I have tons more in depth stories to tell....But, I'll save them for later. :)
    I am using mary j, take my bi-polar meds, and am *trying* to quit drinking alcohol but its so hard....I know I'll need to climb up the latter out of that hole soon....at least I am not drinking every day in excess, though my soul-mate just mentioned how the alcohol is probably not best for me during detox.

    Will post more later on how it's going.

Comments

  1. supermono
    Hi and welcome to Df my friend. Thanks for sharing your story. We have many similarities, I too was a poly drug user and can relate to all the different drugs you have used. I am sure its been a very long journey for you to get this far as it has been for me.
    You are amongst friends here on DF. We all try and support and encourage each other to get clean. I used to drink lots of alcohol too. Its just the same as any other drug for me, whether that be opiates, crack or anything else. I,d love to see you stop the drinking.
    I have quit opiates many times just to cross addict onto alcohol and hashish and mary jane. This always lead to more drug taking so please be careful.
    I wish you well in your endeavour to quit alcohol and maybe get totally clean one day. I am now on day 4 of abstinence from all mood altering substances. I dont ever want to go there again. Keep posting and let us know how you are getting on. try and get clean. There is a better life for you as there is for me but it does take time. Good luck. Peace Mono
  2. lostlygirl
    Welcome to DF. You have traveled a long hard road, but I must firstly congratulate you on getting of all that stuff. It cannot have been easy.

    Can I ask you what made you decide to stop? I was also wondering your general age. From what you wrote I am figuring mid to late 20's? I am also assuming that you are back together with your soul mate, yes? If so, is he also trying to get clean, or did he not take harder drugs? The reason I ask is because it's much easier to stay the course when those around us are not actively using.

    I have to run and hang a door, but welcome again :) !
  3. opiate-taylor
    Damn girl! You are a true inspiration to me! I am so happy for you to see what you had to do to get your life back from all the evil things that the world inflicted on you. Man I was a hard working father of two and husband to a beautiful woman that I loved with all my heart, I outright owned a $150,000 lakefront home that I worked my ass off and paid off in just 8 years, new cars, Harley, fourwheelers a boat etc, had life by the balls! I went to my moms house one day, who was struggling with depression for a few years, she went to her room and came back into the living room sat down across from me and shot herself in the head. I almost went clear insane in the months that followed. I dove into the bottle from there to the pills, had always smoked, lon story short within 2 years I am bankrupt divorced, owe every dope man in three counties money and own a garbage bag full of clothes. My body Is outright disgusting to me, skinny, pale, my teeth are rotting and I feel/ look like death warmed over. I decided to give up and snort any drug I could with no worry about the future knowing I would be dead soon enough. One day my then 3 year old, during a talk about spongebob square pants lol, told me I was her best friend and that she loves loves me to the moon and back and she asked me to marry her, I tear up still remembering that day. I quit everything cold turkey that night. I was horribly dopesick, 3-400 MG's a day opana to 0 no taper. After about a month I could eat again. That was 2 yes ago and I still have so!e sleep problems, I am starting to get that natural "happy" feeling back and I think I am getting back to me now. I will never be that person again I will never put my wonderful children thru that again and I am determined to be a good man again. People like you really make me see how strong the human will to live can be, thanks for sharing your story and I will pray for you tonight im really impressed with you! Great job and keep on trucking. You got this you WILL make it back to life.
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