It is, Bumble, it is. Life is great.
I'm getting real close to two months now. The mental confusion and emotional racking is in full force. Clonidine, Aleve, and Arnica are helping with the aches. I think I have some early onset arthritis or something, I played soccer and did track for years and years; how I controlled my nasty anger issues legally before I really got down in all the bad stuff.
But ya, not much is going to help me on the mental things. Normally I'd just down some benzos, drink, and lay back. Let everything become numb and quiet again.
I can't do that. I won't do that. It's not worth it. Who I am and my being simply cannot allow for moderation and falling back on just one time won't work... For the first time in my life I'm having to deal with all of my emotions and past through clear glass. It's not cloudy, there is no haze, it's right there confronting me.
One of those things with us hard headed, balls to the wall people; We have our virtues and we have our kryptonites. You've gotta learn how to control your life.
This shits gotten heavier than I ever thought it would've.
Thank everyone for their kind words. It helps having this place to read through everyone else's recovery and journey.
poppybreath added 255 Minutes and 5 Seconds later...
reminding myself that its okay to take things one second at a time.
this, this is a trip.
anyone ever get acne when they detox? I dont normally get acne all over, as when I am not a straight junk festival, my hygeine and cosmetic habits are decent. I am slowly becoming okay with the fact that I actually do care about how the outside world views me.
I want to be approachable, I want to help people, I don't want to look sick. I want to help myself and accepting my worries and fears for what they are that second and in the moment, well, sometimes I've just gotta tell myself it's okay. It's all okay, we're all here, and life really isn't all that bad if I put everything in perspective. It's like a needed snap back to reality, but holy crap, it feels like my neck just broke.
Oddly, before this last binge, I was never, ever able to pop my neck. I was taking benzos and muscle relaxers daily. Along with the opiates and the uppers, I didn't feel much of anything, so this allowed me to end up with all of those horribly infected wounds and open sores on me. In return, I would contort my body into weird positions to stretch it out. I thought I had lactic acid build up all the time...stretching like this was my justification. So I'd pop my neck all the time by throwing it back and forth. Now I can permanently pop my neck, it hurts, but I can. I can now pop my hips as well. I actually enjoy that.
I'm wondering if acupuncture or deep massage would help aid things along. Would be nice to get something done about all this tension and these aches.
Anyone wanna see what your arms and legs are gonna look like after you do all of this? Let me know, I'll pm you. It's not pretty. I've had to come to terms with that fact that my legs and arms are riddled with scarring from all of this now. Little, round, scars all over. Some bigger than others from dropping the torch lighter and pipe on myself nodding out. Scars, big and small, deep and shallow, light and dark all over my hands and wrists. I still think about getting tattoos, but not to cover the scars anymore. I'd get a tattoo of a single wolf taking down a bull elk. Now if anyone I know has a complaint about that then fuck'em, been thinking about that one since I was 13.
I like to write and I love forums, I'm an insomniac, love graphic design, and love drawing. I developed symptoms of carpal tunnel when I was around 14. I'm a real nerd at heart. Now all of this writing and art, I can get carpal tunnel, I really dont care. Now if I get some sort of weird inflammation of infection in my joints from shooting up all stupid and shit, then I'll kind of care.
I want to write a harm reduction book some day. It might be useful to someone out there. If someone benefits from reading it, then my mission will be complete.