the softest sin in life - my departure from heroin - Part 4

By softsins · Sep 20, 2014 ·
  1. well, it's been a full week clean for me! i can barely walk still from maybe consuming 600 calories total in the past week, but i feel SO good to not be physically dependent on heroin anymore.
    but it wasn't a smooth ride the past 3 days...
    wednesday night, i had a nightmare while in wd's that i was at a huge party. people were waving these jackson pollock-esque paintings in my face and i felt like barfing. i saw my opportunity and left that party by climbing out the window. in my dream. or so i thought.
    you can guess the rest. i was found, delirious and disoriented, by campus police on the front of my on campus dorm. my counselor immediately intervened and and had me hauled to the closest emergency room. i was obviously a huge liability because it looked like a suicide attempt and i was put in a dual diagnostics (mental health +substance abuse) psychward until today. it was extremely scary and dramatic to everyone but it was like a bucket of ice water to my face. never can i scare my loved once like this again. fortunately i'm able to return to school. i'm still so weak though... i shouldn't be now at one week, but at least i'm clean.

    softsins added 799 Minutes and 6 Seconds later...

    it's weird, during my time using i stopped smoking weed, which was my original love. i was so functional and it allowed me to experience life so much more vividly and made me relaxed at parties and school. i smoked all last night and remembering just giggling about how happy i was to be off heroin and producing my own endorphins. like, singing gwen stefani and thinking "yeah, i'm a super hot female with a million dollar contract, so wtf am i waiting for?!!"
    at the psychward, i noticed all the nurses and doctors zoning in on me, all saying "you're so smart and beautiful and you're about to finish the best art school in the states, i can tell another heroin addict to quit and what, for them to work at 7-11? you have way too much to offer and your drop will be a harder drop to the bottom."
    and i can't believe i forgot that about myself. forgotten how hard i had worked for my education, forgotten all the all nighters i pulled for work instead of dozing off before heroin, forgotten the extra step i used to go to look extra aesthetically pleasing.
    i also want to go to na meetings, but i've heard such opposing opinions about it. my best friend's bf who used to be opiate dependent asked why would i NOT have the strength existing within MYSELF to not use rather than surround myself with ex junkies who may not had the same ambitious past as i did. but then i wonder if i should at least search for a sponsor, someone closeby who has been there done that. i don't know. i hadn't slept all night, that's the worst part about leaving the ward. they gave you seraquil there to knock you out by 10 pm.

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