I have been stuck on the Tramadol Train for six years.
I realize that the train is going nowhere...but it's so warm and cosy and safe in here.
I've tried to leave the train on many occasion but I have always lost my nerve at the last minute. This train is the bane of my life
A year ago my Doctor and myself came to the mutual conclusion that I was not managing my pain medication appropriately. Since then she has been prescribing my medication on a weekly basis. This is so that I have more of a chance of spreading out my medication and taking the prescribed dosages.
However...... The reality is that in the past year I have gone through the hell of a three days on and four days off cycle.
I take over double the prescribed dose in the first three days and then feel like shit for the next four days.
Every week I tell myself the same thing... 'You've already done four days cold turkey... Don't get any more tablets..and keep on truckin'.
Of course, at the last minute I say nothing, get the prescription, and promise myself that next week it will be different. I'll be stronger...life will be better.
I don't even get a 'high' from double the dose... Instead I find that I begin to feel slightly 'normal'. I get a sense of enthusiasm for life that I simply just don't have without the Tramadol. I don't wish to play the sympathy card but life has been hard for me.
I realised years ago that Tramadol had stopped easing the physical pain...it's the mental pain it now helps with.
I've lost so much due to my addiction. The trouble is, what I've lost hurts so much that I need to mask the pain by taking more and more pills.
I have also suffered from acute anxiety and depression for many many years. I have different medications to try and deal with both of these problems.
I take Ambien at night as this allows my brain to switch off for two or three hours. I have taken sleeping pills of different descriptions for the past seven years and I doubt I'll ever have a natural sleep again.
Although the physical withdrawal symptoms are hard, it's the psychological ones I find impossible to deal with.
Sometimes I feel like the bravest, strongest woman on Earth.. Then other days I feel completely worthless and crap.
I KNOW that my life is worth something. And I also know that I can do this... But it's so very very hard. I feel scared and alone and weak. I feel like a failure for letting myself get into this situation in the first place...but sometimes when life gives you lemons all you get is a bitter taste in your mouth.