The Tramadol Train.... - Part 1

By nic7 · Mar 13, 2015 · ·
  1. I have been stuck on the Tramadol Train for six years.
    I realize that the train is going nowhere...but it's so warm and cosy and safe in here.
    I've tried to leave the train on many occasion but I have always lost my nerve at the last minute. This train is the bane of my life


    A year ago my Doctor and myself came to the mutual conclusion that I was not managing my pain medication appropriately. Since then she has been prescribing my medication on a weekly basis. This is so that I have more of a chance of spreading out my medication and taking the prescribed dosages.

    However...... The reality is that in the past year I have gone through the hell of a three days on and four days off cycle.
    I take over double the prescribed dose in the first three days and then feel like shit for the next four days.
    Every week I tell myself the same thing... 'You've already done four days cold turkey... Don't get any more tablets..and keep on truckin'.
    Of course, at the last minute I say nothing, get the prescription, and promise myself that next week it will be different. I'll be stronger...life will be better.

    I don't even get a 'high' from double the dose... Instead I find that I begin to feel slightly 'normal'. I get a sense of enthusiasm for life that I simply just don't have without the Tramadol. I don't wish to play the sympathy card but life has been hard for me.
    I realised years ago that Tramadol had stopped easing the physical pain...it's the mental pain it now helps with.
    I've lost so much due to my addiction. The trouble is, what I've lost hurts so much that I need to mask the pain by taking more and more pills.

    I have also suffered from acute anxiety and depression for many many years. I have different medications to try and deal with both of these problems.
    I take Ambien at night as this allows my brain to switch off for two or three hours. I have taken sleeping pills of different descriptions for the past seven years and I doubt I'll ever have a natural sleep again.

    Although the physical withdrawal symptoms are hard, it's the psychological ones I find impossible to deal with.
    Sometimes I feel like the bravest, strongest woman on Earth.. Then other days I feel completely worthless and crap.
    I KNOW that my life is worth something. And I also know that I can do this... But it's so very very hard. I feel scared and alone and weak. I feel like a failure for letting myself get into this situation in the first place...but sometimes when life gives you lemons all you get is a bitter taste in your mouth.

Comments

  1. Kitts
    Hi Nic, welcome to DF.

    I don't suppose there's any chance you could do a daily pickup at the chemist is there? Whether they'd do it not, or even if it's practical for where you're living, I don't know. But if possible, it may help. Or perhaps even a twice weekly pickup?

    What would actually happen if you stopped taking the tramadol? Apart from the mental pain you experience, do you think the physical pain would re-emerge if you quit tramadol (the pain it was prescribed for initially)?
  2. Jungledog
    Welcome to DF. Everything you just described is typical of opiate addiction so know you are hardly alone. What you speak of is certainly part of most if not all of our stories. Each of us begins our journey to recovery differently and we chose different paths.

    My DOC was oxycodone. I could NOT control my use. I used kratom to stop (along with loperamide but I would not recommend using loperamide as it is dangerous. Kratom though is quite helpful if legal in your country). I use kratom now to manage my chronic pain and I don't abuse it or chase a high. Perhaps this is an option for you?

    Otherwise, you need to consider your options, be honest with yourself, and frankly decide what is most important to you in life. Yes, addiction is a bitch but it is still something you can overcome. You must want to overcome it though and be willing to suffer some to break free.

    Wish you the best.
  3. nic7
    I am very determined to do this....

    However, there is a lot of shit going on at the moment. My 16 yr old daughter hasn't spoken to me in over a week. My Ex is trying to psychologically break me...in a very nice passive aggressive way.
    It's hard when you have a day without pills and yet people still try to convince you that you've taken them.....

    I'm struggling.....
  4. welshlittlepony
    nic hang in there you can do this, fuck your ex ignore her dont listen to her it sounds like shes making this worse.

    You need support at this time not passive aggressive bitchiness.

    Youve come to the the right place many members here can offer advise to help you through
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