Hello everyone. So I quit smoking weed and decided to start a diary to help myself and others along the way. I started posting in another forum, but there's nobody active there, so I decided to move to here. There goes my story:
Hi, I'm a 21 year old girl. I've been smoking for the past 7 years of my life with only one break for about 2 months. I smoke every day, compulsively, between 4 to 10 times. Lately (last 2-3 years) it has gotten so bad, I can't go even an hour-two without lighting up.
So growing up I was shy, not that social and talkative. I was alone. And when marijuana was introduced in my life, it was like a way I could have an excuse for not speaking and being so quiet and shy, and also it felt like I had finally found something that was bringing me close to people.
Fast forward to now - I don't even remember my past 7 years, and for a 21y/o - that's pretty much my whole concious life and so I have no clue how to live life normally(clean), somewhere along the way I lost knowlege of who I truly am I guess, I have almost no memories from my childhood and teen years - I've somehow managed to erase them after my parents got divorced 3 years ago and my family fell apart. I know my problems are much much deeper than the addiction itself. So I went to a psiciartist, I've been going for the past 6 months now, but i can't afford to visit him anymore. I guess I figured out some things during this time, some memories came back too, but to be honest I'm still in the place I was before.
Honestly I'm very lonely, no friends at all, but i guess it's normal for nobody to want to be around someone so inadecuate and not knowing how to live life, so weak and consumed by the smoking all day... I don't know how to create stable relationships with people, I'm afraid of letting someone get close to me etc, etc. I can go all day taking about when the problem began (childhood), why I can't create friendships etc, etc but that's not the point of the topic and it's not like knowing the root of the problem helped me get rid of it anyway, so..
Just living with the feeling that you can't trust yourself - like there is a whole different person that becomes you, when the need to smoke appears and then it starts all over again. I'va been trying to stop almost every day for the past 3 years... And every day I wake up or go to bed saying to myself and truly believeing it - "Today is the day I stop.". How can I believe in myself anymore? It's like I don't know me.
And the saddest part is that I have to fake it - most people in my life - they don't even know i smoke let alone to know I have a problem.. And I have to act as if there's nothing infront of my mom, because this is her worst fear, but it's getting harder and harder, I can't do that to myself anymore.
NOW THE GOOD PART OF THE POST:
I'va been sober for the past 4 days now. I hope to write here every day and if someone actually read all of what I wrote (I was trying to keep it as short as possible, many details ommited) please give me advice on how to learn to handle life weed free or just anything. I would appreciate it soo much. Thank you and I will post tomorrow again. Hopefully 5th day sober.
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