Thoughts and Feelings In Relapse

By angelraysmehigher · Apr 11, 2019 · ·
  1. Of all the things I could have been,
    I had to be a should’ve been.
    Life is nothing I expected it to be,
    I’m far from what I used to see.


    Dreams and hopes one day I’d fulfil,
    Now faded memories as I spiral downhill.
    I never pictured this, no way not in hell,
    But truth be told I’m under meth’s spell.


    I want so much more and I want to be great,
    But sometimes it seems that this be my fate.
    I can’t comprehend how I was so naïve,
    That I lost self-control and gave in like Eve.


    But this is my story and mine it will remain,
    I won’t let no drug trick or send me insane.
    No battle I could face will be harder than this,
    The war in my head for one last devil’s kiss.


    Some days I can’t help but feel hopeless and empty,
    All I ever worked hard for sold to meth’s tempting.
    I’m lost and confused and feel like a failure,
    I hope one day again I believe I’ll be greater.


    I just wish I turned around when I had a better chance,
    But like a fool I stayed and with the devil I still dance.
    I’m tired and bruised my body needs to repair,
    I try but give up and use again in my despair.


    Sometimes I wish they could hear me crying,
    Happy on the outside but deep down I’m dying.
    Nobody else though not a soul except mine,
    Can save me from the hell that meth designed.

    ~

    One day I'll get there. Sometimes it doesn't feel like it will ever get better, some days I feel so beat and like giving up. I feel like I've fucked up so much already there's no point trying to heal. But those thoughts are just thoughts... They don't define me and won't dictate me. Today I used again, but I was disappointed by the low even though it was decent meth. I haven't really been going hard since I relapsed either, nothing like before so a bit surprised my tolerance is up so quickly already. But not complaining, it's a good thing.

    About Author

    angelraysmehigher
    Just a 25 yr old meth user trying to beat my addiction and repair the broken pieces that have become my life.
    My 5 years of mostly rec. use turned addiction when I began using daily from the start of 2018.
    I started this journal to express my unspoken thoughts, emotions, conflict and turmoil from my addiction and toxic relationship with meth. I hope one day it ends with a golden finish.
    Xatinha, Smeg, Elliza and 1 other person like this.

Comments

  1. S. Wymm
    Fantastic! Put together quite nicely id say, and a smooth flow too. The last 2 lines certainly strike a chord
      PastorFuzz and angelraysmehigher like this.
  2. Hopeless78
      angelraysmehigher likes this.
  3. jazzyj9
    I like your poetry!! I think meth is unworthy of your time though. Maybe you need some new inspiration. Have you considered traveling or maybe some non meth related artists projects? You’ll see when you finally convince yourself that it’s really not all that you’ll be surprised you spent so much mental energy on that shit.

    I’m certain you will get over it though. You’ll get bored of it eventually.
      Sps0219 and angelraysmehigher like this.
  4. jazzyj9
    Have you ever been able to try mushrooms or other psychedelics besides marijuana? Some people have used things like these to help overcome addiction. These things are better than meth way more interesting and significantly less addictive.
  5. Sps0219
    Hey we all slip sometimes don’t let it get you too down though. I’m not even 24 hours sober off a 3 week relapse. Maybe 4. “I can’t remember” Seems like each time I relapse it makes more retarded than ever. It truly is the devils drug and it’s not worth the mindset it puts you in the guilt and not giving a fuck and secluding yourself from friends and loved ones.
    I know I’m going to have a rough few days ahead of me in the coming work week, but it really isn’t worth the agony you go through. I found your poems by dumb meth luck when I was high about a week or so ago and have read them multiple times but finally I decided to say something. Keep up the sobriety!
      angelraysmehigher likes this.
  6. angelraysmehigher
    @jazzyj9 yes I've looked into using mushrooms but they seem hard to source in my area. I haven't been able to get my hands on any from the people I know.

    @Sps0219 thank you, I'm glad you have enjoyed reading them. Wish you luck with the next week of perils, hang in there.
      Sps0219 and jazzyj9 like this.
  7. Xatinha
    My friend, no one grows up thinking I want to do drugs. There is a way out.
      angelraysmehigher and jazzyj9 like this.
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