Tired of symptoms: feeling suicidal without acting or self-harming - Part 1

By profesor · Aug 19, 2014 · ·
  1. I don't know how to say this right- I have no intentions of harming myself. I'm not going to, but one of my depressive symptoms is that I start thinking about suicide when I'm stressed out. I start imagining how I could do it and making plans. Today it was after group therapy. I had to say goodbye to the group because future transportation is a problem, but even moreso because the treatment at the outpatient clinic I've been going to is abysmal. My shrink can't keep track of what medications she's prescribed, she gets details like my birthdate on my scripts wrong, she keeps telling me she'll do things next week, including legal paperwork I have to have done. She keeps stringing me along- "let's take a month while we change medications?" OK, but then she says, "Let's stay with present dosage of meds,(or whatever issue I have) we'll review again in two weeks" and "I was sick this week, I have to consult with some people so no changes until our next appt next week?" Guess what she says the next week!. "We need to wait another week" Is it so surprising I feel suicidal when the person supposed to be helping me is so incompetent? I got her because I'm going to this clinic on Medicare, and I've been through about 6 psychopharm people in 6 years. Over 20 years I've had about 12 or 13 psychiatrists, some as therapists, but most just taking care of medications- and I've tried many many antidepressants and combinations of medications with anti-d's. I'm completely disillusioned with the entire medical system. And in the recent past my therapist social worker was fired. I still haven't really gotten over that. My new social worker offered to refer me to someone else because we didn't "click", but then she changed her mind and decided she couldn't refer me to anyone suitable in the clinic. I then got into legal problems which I thought she'd help me with instead of me looking for help elsewhere. Wrong again.
    I do get more understanding from people in AA, but I feel really uncomfortable telling them I feel suicidal. I don't have urges to drink, I don't have compulsions to use. I do get these suicidal thoughts. But I have no faith or trust in my previous mental health providers who I'm supposed to turn to. I have a new psychiatrist whose really just seeing me as a favor. I'm depending on him too much already. Also my trust from my GP is gone because she freaked out about my mental health issues and medications and depends on my incompetent psychiatrist for advice. Good luck to her getting anything useful from that quack. And the affiliated hospital made such a big deal out of new emphasis on communication between treaters! Ha! I haven't seen it. They certainly don't seem to be talking to each other, and I don't trust their communication will be accurate.
    Frankly my suicidal thoughts seem to be a pretty good rationalization for abusing illicit drugs to me. If only I knew a reliable weed dealer! Instead I have turned to pills, and in many cases they work for me. Less than ideal and perhaps unsustainable, but I can't trust the people in my life, at least the illicit drugs are more dependable. So I'm venting here. Putting off suicide one day at a time. Not drinking or drugging is a piece of cake compared to that. Sure feels lonely.


  1. Kitts
    I'm sorry but discussion of suicide is beyond the scope of the site, and therefore this thread will have to be closed.
    I hope the following will be of use to you -

    If you are feeling suicidal now, please stop long enough to read this. It will only take about five minutes.

    I do not want to talk you out of your bad feelings. I am not a therapist or other mental health professional - only someone who knows what it is like to be in pain.

    I don’t know who you are, or why you are reading this page. I only know that for the moment, you’re reading it, and that is good. I can assume that you are here because you are troubled and considering ending your life. If it were possible, I would prefer to be there with you at this moment, to sit with you and talk, face to face and heart to heart. But since that is not possible, we will have to make do with this.

    I have known a lot of people who have wanted to kill themselves, so I have some small idea of what you might be feeling. I know that you might not be up to reading a long book, so I am going to keep this short. While we are together here for the next five minutes, I have five simple, practical things I would like to share with you. I won’t argue with you about whether you should kill yourself. But I assume that if you are thinking about it, you feel pretty bad.

    Well, you’re still reading, and that’s very good. I’d like to ask you to stay with me for the rest of this page. I hope it means that you’re at least a tiny bit unsure, somewhere deep inside, about whether or not you really will end your life. Often people feel that, even in the deepest darkness of despair. Being unsure about dying is okay and normal. The fact that you are still alive at this minute means you are still a little bit unsure. It means that even while you want to die, at the same time some part of you still wants to live. So let’s hang on to that, and keep going for a few more minutes.

    Start by considering this statement:

    “Suicide is not chosen; it happens
    when pain exceeds
    resources for coping with pain.”

    That’s all it’s about. You are not a bad person, or crazy, or weak, or flawed, because you feel suicidal. It doesn’t even mean that you really want to die - it only means that you have more pain than you can cope with right now. If I start piling weights on your shoulders, you will eventually collapse if I add enough weights... no matter how much you want to remain standing. Willpower has nothing to do with it. Of course you would cheer yourself up, if you could.

    [​IMG] Don’t accept it if someone tells you, “that’s not enough to be suicidal about.” There are many kinds of pain that may lead to suicide. Whether or not the pain is bearable may differ from person to person. What might be bearable to someone else, may not be bearable to you. The point at which the pain becomes unbearable depends on what kinds of coping resources you have. Individuals vary greatly in their capacity to withstand pain.

    When pain exceeds pain-coping resources, suicidal feelings are the result. Suicide is neither wrong nor right; it is not a defect of character; it is morally neutral. It is simply an imbalance of pain versus coping resources.

    You can survive suicidal feelings if you do either of two things: (1) find a way to reduce your pain, or (2) find a way to increase your coping resources. Both are possible.

    Now I want to tell you five things to think about.
    [FONT=Times New Roman,Times Roman,Times]1[/FONT] You need to hear that people do get through this -- even people who feel as badly as you are feeling now. Statistically, there is a very good chance that you are going to live. I hope that this information gives you some sense of hope.
    [FONT=Times New Roman,Times Roman,Times]2[/FONT] Give yourself some distance. Say to yourself, “I will wait 24 hours before I do anything.” Or a week. Remember that feelings and actions are two different things - just because you feel like killing yourself, doesn’t mean that you have to actually do it right this minute. Put some distance between your suicidal feelings and suicidal action. Even if it’s just 24 hours. You have already done it for 5 minutes, just by reading this page. You can do it for another 5 minutes by continuing to read this page. Keep going, and realize that while you still feel suicidal, you are not, at this moment, acting on it. That is very encouraging to me, and I hope it is to you.
    [FONT=Times New Roman,Times Roman,Times]3[/FONT] People often turn to suicide because they are seeking relief from pain. Remember that relief is a feeling. And you have to be alive to feel it. You will not feel the relief you so desperately seek, if you are dead.
    [FONT=Times New Roman,Times Roman,Times]4[/FONT] Some people will react badly to your suicidal feelings, either because they are frightened, or angry; they may actually increase your pain instead of helping you, despite their intentions, by saying or doing thoughtless things. You have to understand that their bad reactions are about their fears, not about you.
    But there are people out there who can be with you in this horrible time, and will not judge you, or argue with you, or send you to a hospital, or try to talk you out of how badly you feel. They will simply care for you. Find one of them. Now. Use your 24 hours, or your week, and tell someone what’s going on with you. It is okay to ask for help. Try:

    • Send an anonymous e-mail to The Samaritans
    • Call 1-800-SUICIDE in the U.S.
    • Teenagers, call Covenant House NineLine, 1-800-999-9999
    • Look in the front of your phone book for a crisis line
    • Call a psychotherapist
    • Carefully choose a friend or a minister or rabbi, someone who is likely to listen
    But don’t give yourself the additional burden of trying to deal with this alone. Just talking about how you got to where you are, releases an awful lot of the pressure, and it might be just the additional coping resource you need to regain your balance.
    [FONT=Times New Roman,Times Roman,Times]5[/FONT] Suicidal feelings are, in and of themselves, traumatic. After they subside, you need to continue caring for yourself. Therapy is a really good idea. So are the various self-help groups available both in your community and on the Internet.

    Well, it’s been a few minutes and you’re still with me. I’m really glad.

    Since you have made it this far, you deserve a reward. I think you should reward yourself by giving yourself a gift. The gift you will give yourself is a coping resource. Remember, back up near the top of the page, I said that the idea is to make sure you have more coping resources than you have pain. So let’s give you another coping resource, or two, or ten...! until they outnumber your sources of pain.

    [​IMG] Now, while this page may have given you some small relief, the best coping resource we can give you is another human being to talk with. If you find someone who wants to listen, and tell them how you are feeling and how you got to this point, you will have increased your coping resources by one. Hopefully the first person you choose won’t be the last. There are a lot of people out there who really want to hear from you. It’s time to start looking around for one of them.

    Now: I’d like you to call someone.

    And while you’re at it, you can still stay with me for a bit. Check out these sources of online help.
    Additional things to read at this site:

    • How serious is our condition? ...“he only took 15 pills, he wasn’t really serious...” if others are making you feel like you’re just trying to get attention... read this.
    • Why is it so hard for us to recover from being suicidal? ...while most suicidal people recover and go on, others struggle with suicidal thoughts and feelings for months or even years. Suicide and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).
    • Recovery from grief and loss ...has anyone significant in your life recently died? You would be in good company... many suicidal people have recently suffered a loss.
    • The stigma of suicide that prevents suicidal people from recovering: we are not only fighting our own pain, but the pain that others inflict on us... and that we ourselves add to. Stigma is a huge complicating factor in suicidal feelings.
    • Resources about depression ...if you are suicidal, you are most likely experiencing some form of depression. This is good news, because depression can be treated, helping you feel better.
    Do you know someone who is suicidal... or would you like to be able to help, if the situation arises? Learn what to do, so that you can make the situation better, not worse.

    Other online sources of help:
    • The Samaritans - trained volunteers are available 24 hours a day to listen and provide emotional support. You can call a volunteer on the phone, or e-mail them. Confidential and non-judgmental. Short of writing to a psychotherapist, the best source of online help.
    • Talk to a therapist online - Read this page to find out how.
    • Depression support group online: Walkers in Darkness - Please note: this is a very big group, but amidst all the chatter (and occasional bickering), it is possible to find someone who will hear you and offer support.
    • Psych Central has a good listing of online resources for suicide - and other mental health needs.
    • Still feel bad? These jokes might relieve the pressure for a minute or two.
    • If you want help finding a human being to talk with in person, who can help you live through this, try reading this article about how to Choose a Competent Counselor.
    Sometimes people need additional private help before they are ready to talk with someone in person. Here are three books you could read on your own in private. I know from personal experience that each one has helped someone like you.

    • Suicide: The Forever Decision by Paul G. Quinnett, PhD (Continuum, 1989, $8.95, ISBN 0-8264-0391-3). Frank and helpful conversation with a therapist who cares. Order the book
    • Choosing to Live: how to defeat suicide through cognitive therapy by Thomas E. Ellis PsyD and Cory F. Newman PhD (New Harbinger Publications, 1996, $12.95, ISBN 1-57224-056-3). Another conversational book with practical help for suicidal persons. Order the book
    • How I Stayed Alive When My Brain Was Trying to Kill Me: One Person's Guide to Suicide Prevention by Susan Rose Blauner (William Morrow, 2002, $17.47, ISBN 0066211212). A very practical survival guide by an actual survivor. Order the book

    • I make no profit whatever on the books. Every penny received is given to The Samaritans to support their lifesaving work. The volunteers give generously of themselves, but it costs them money to continue operating and saving lives - money for facilities, phones and computers. Money is a reality. They need it; we give it. Sending them this small donation is our way of thanking them and helping them continue to help others. If you would like to know where the money goes, visit the Samaritans website. If you prefer not to make a donation to the Samaritans, take the book information above to your local bookstore and order the books there instead.
    • If you would like to make a donation directly to the Samaritans, click here.

    • Out of the Nightmare: Recovery From Depression And Suicidal Pain, by David L. Conroy, PhD (Authors Choice Press, 2006, ISBN 0595414974). Unfortunately out of print; sometimes used copies become available. As if suicidal persons weren't feeling bad enough already, our thoughtless attitudes can cause them to feel guilt and shame, and keep them from getting help in time. Dr. Conroy blasts apart the myths of suicide, and looks at suicidal feelings from the inside, in a down to earth, non-judgmental way. This is a book that will save lives by washing away the stigma of suicide and opening the door to a real way out of the nightmare. More info and reviews
    Want to share your suicide story?
    Please visit the Suicide Project and leave your story
    Have feedback? Please write us

    Helpful Links About Depression

    Suicide Awareness
    Self injury

To make a comment simply sign up and become a member!