I don't know how to say this right- I have no intentions of harming myself. I'm not going to, but one of my depressive symptoms is that I start thinking about suicide when I'm stressed out. I start imagining how I could do it and making plans. Today it was after group therapy. I had to say goodbye to the group because future transportation is a problem, but even moreso because the treatment at the outpatient clinic I've been going to is abysmal. My shrink can't keep track of what medications she's prescribed, she gets details like my birthdate on my scripts wrong, she keeps telling me she'll do things next week, including legal paperwork I have to have done. She keeps stringing me along- "let's take a month while we change medications?" OK, but then she says, "Let's stay with present dosage of meds,(or whatever issue I have) we'll review again in two weeks" and "I was sick this week, I have to consult with some people so no changes until our next appt next week?" Guess what she says the next week!. "We need to wait another week" Is it so surprising I feel suicidal when the person supposed to be helping me is so incompetent? I got her because I'm going to this clinic on Medicare, and I've been through about 6 psychopharm people in 6 years. Over 20 years I've had about 12 or 13 psychiatrists, some as therapists, but most just taking care of medications- and I've tried many many antidepressants and combinations of medications with anti-d's. I'm completely disillusioned with the entire medical system. And in the recent past my therapist social worker was fired. I still haven't really gotten over that. My new social worker offered to refer me to someone else because we didn't "click", but then she changed her mind and decided she couldn't refer me to anyone suitable in the clinic. I then got into legal problems which I thought she'd help me with instead of me looking for help elsewhere. Wrong again.
I do get more understanding from people in AA, but I feel really uncomfortable telling them I feel suicidal. I don't have urges to drink, I don't have compulsions to use. I do get these suicidal thoughts. But I have no faith or trust in my previous mental health providers who I'm supposed to turn to. I have a new psychiatrist whose really just seeing me as a favor. I'm depending on him too much already. Also my trust from my GP is gone because she freaked out about my mental health issues and medications and depends on my incompetent psychiatrist for advice. Good luck to her getting anything useful from that quack. And the affiliated hospital made such a big deal out of new emphasis on communication between treaters! Ha! I haven't seen it. They certainly don't seem to be talking to each other, and I don't trust their communication will be accurate.
Frankly my suicidal thoughts seem to be a pretty good rationalization for abusing illicit drugs to me. If only I knew a reliable weed dealer! Instead I have turned to pills, and in many cases they work for me. Less than ideal and perhaps unsustainable, but I can't trust the people in my life, at least the illicit drugs are more dependable. So I'm venting here. Putting off suicide one day at a time. Not drinking or drugging is a piece of cake compared to that. Sure feels lonely.