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  1. My clean time is now measured in weeks! Well fucking done to me :)

    I haven't been posting here as much, had some hard days. Days when it was difficult to get out of my own head and when my mood was low and anxiety high. Sleep a bit all over the place and eating a chore rather than a part of normal life.

    But then something changed yesterday. My doctor told me to try and "let the light in" and to try and put some belief into recovery, and that someday I will actually feel good again, like a normal person.

    I don't know exactly what it is that has changed, something about the way I think, I've been better able the past 2 days to actually look at my addictive thought processes and say "wow! that's insane. that's not accurate at all". And I'm managing better because of it. I have been trying to live a bit of life, and not obsess over neurotransmitters, different chemicals and substances and what might be happening in my brain to make me feel each and every different symptom. That kind of thinking led me to make all those bad choices in the first place, and now I can see it more clearly?

    I'm not sure exactly how to describe it, yesterday when I sort of "chose" to just feel my emotions instead of going out of my way and around the earth to numb them. And boy they hit me like a ton of bricks. I was listening to house music and tearing up, watching scenes from tv shows on youtube and tearing up. I listened to goddamn Ave Maria by Bach/Gounod and cried on the train. It feels good. It feels sort of euphoric? It's strange. Not like drug euphoria, more fleeting, less in my control. Tinged with fear of the unknown, a certain lack of security in my sensations state of being. And fear, but fear that doesn't eclipse all other emotions, but enhances them. Changes them.

    "A terrible beauty is born"

    I've only 2 weeks away from codeine, and it was, after all - just codeine. But it took my life and it harnessed it, controlled it, utterly and completely. And it made me more sad in the long run than the little happiness I thought it was giving me.

    I've made peace with my situation, being out of work, the conflict with my parents. They're never going to change and why should they? They're two middle aged people done with rearing children, they didn't ask for this. And neither did I. I can forgive myself for being insane. For not understanding that there was another way. For searching for something, anything to take away the pain.

    I'm not out of the woods, I still have a certain intensity of emotions that I very much hope will lessen as time goes on. Even if the intensity of it all were to drop by maybe 15%, then I would be better equipped to deal with it. But hard as it is, I seem to be dealing with it anyway. Head on, feeling things, hurting, feeling good. It's all just - so much! It's like, when I first took acid and had that "oh!" moment, looking at the dust in the air, at all the beautiful things I had never noticed before. But this isn't a hallucinogen induced perceptive change, this is me rediscovering what reality is like sober. And it's fucking scary, but I'm doing it.

Comments

  1. Miss B Haven
    Thank you for giving me hope my drug background is very similar to yours and I’m going to have to quit codeine by the end of this month as it’s being made perscription only in Australia. I have been stocking up so I can taper off but reading your journal has taken away some of my fear. You are doing great and dealing with all the dramas whilst withdrawing too.
      ThanatosHypnos likes this.
    1. ThanatosHypnos
      I know you don't think this now - but some day you'll look back and say that codeine being made prescription only in australia was the best thing that ever happened to you. Good luck x
      Miss B Haven likes this.
  2. Miss B Haven
    Thanks for your support I agree it will be good to be free of these pill-form handcuffs.
  3. Jb74
    Gawd...you're such an Overachiever- How Annoying (Just Kidding)! Totally Totally Joking:) TBH: I've only ever creeped through these threads but never registered in order to participate, til now.
    Your post(s) reached out, pulled me in, and really inspired me. -I guess you could say: &I wasn't looking for you when I found you,' (kidding again:), but seriously, I was just kind of strolling through the lists and yours truly is an endearing share. #Congrats to you! If I could give you one (positive) piece of advice, it would be in regards to your mention of "still having a long way to go." While that's probably true, I'd suggest tucking that away & allowing it hang out in a place of hind sight, and reflections. Think of it this way: It's like your first day at a new job- you watch and listen to your co-workers who seem to know so much more than you; leaving you to feel small, insignificant, and kinda powerless, right? Nope, while it might appear that way in the beginning, nothing could be further from the truth in the grand scheme of things! The truth is - You're Brave, Courageous, and Capable. If you weren't you would've never applied for the position, and if someone else hadn't felt confident in your abilities- you wouldn't have been hired in the first place. My point is- our perspectives have a way of shifting over time, and much like a new job- an unfamiliar, pretty fresh arrival into "The Wonderful World of Sobriety" might look and smell a little like fear, and a lot like overwhelming- but just like the new gig, before you know it you'll reflect on how far you've come, how much you've learned, and how strong you really are now that you've genuinely committed, and gotten the toughest part of your new lifestyle -behind you. The anticipation of unfamiliar, but positively unpleasant pain & the fear of the unknown abyss are unquestionably some, if not thée- hardest aspects in this type of journey...
    Not giving in when you know where to find the ever ellusive "quick fix," and taking your DOC for a temporary, deceitful & defeating sense of relief- that takes wicked strength, that takes ballz...and You Already Did That Part. Something that no one else could do for you, just you & you made it not one, not two, not three days, but WEEKS. You can't even begin fathom the changes that have, and will continue to go on in your brain and at a cellular level. (That's kind of a Big Deal).
    So....at the end of the day, IMHO: Rather than approaching each new tomorrow by acknowledging that you "(still have a long way to go)," let that reality go unspoken & shelf it for your testiment down the road. I've learned that with any tough spot throughout our lives, it's best stay focused on the positives. While it's important that we're not in denial as far as the unavoidable upcoming hurdles we'll face, for me, I like to let the "goods" stack up & help cushion the blows along the way.
    If you allow even the smallest "Happy's" to accumulate, you'll be shocked by how far they'll carry you- if you let them.
    * Warm, Sunny Day Today? Acknowledge it. See a Cute or Funny Vine? Go ahead, let it have an impact on your mood, it's okay, it's good. Hear about the random deed of a Good Samaritan? Try it, it'll feel just as good to you as the person receiving the favor, no matter the size. Did you notice when you woke up that you felt better than you did tell day before? Embrace it, even if it's only temporary. These little things have the power to move mountains if you'll collect them. Take notice with how fierce & productive they can be when they're bound together by effortless recognition, and appreciation.
    So....Yep, you're realistic, but you're also powerful, and getting wiser by the second.
    It only gets better from here! Snags along the way aren't signs of impending defeat; they're lessons & character builders! Don't run from them, take advantage of those dirty Little suckers!
    Kudos to you! Thanks for sharing your Journey, (You Stinkin' Overachiever:) )
    Signed, An -Unprofessional Philosopher who's inspired by Folks Like You!
      ThanatosHypnos likes this.
  4. ThanatosHypnos
    Thanks compadre. I'm delighted that you would take the time to register and comment because of my writings. I love that you felt inspired to share your thoughts. This recovery thing is becoming so much more than just "stop taking drugs". I wrote and wrote here through all the early stages, and looking back on it I can see that I talked the talk, said what one is meant to say - but in my arrogance I didn't really understand it at all. That understanding has come, unexpectedly and with great relief. There so much more to this than just the drugs - I actually believe for the first time in years that there is another way, where I don't have to be miserable, where I can recover the person I should be!
    A bit of positivity goes a long way and I will take it into account. I guess I am trying to be humble, saying I still have a long way to go, but you're right - I have achieved a hell of a lot.
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