My clean time is now measured in weeks! Well fucking done to me
I haven't been posting here as much, had some hard days. Days when it was difficult to get out of my own head and when my mood was low and anxiety high. Sleep a bit all over the place and eating a chore rather than a part of normal life.
But then something changed yesterday. My doctor told me to try and "let the light in" and to try and put some belief into recovery, and that someday I will actually feel good again, like a normal person.
I don't know exactly what it is that has changed, something about the way I think, I've been better able the past 2 days to actually look at my addictive thought processes and say "wow! that's insane. that's not accurate at all". And I'm managing better because of it. I have been trying to live a bit of life, and not obsess over neurotransmitters, different chemicals and substances and what might be happening in my brain to make me feel each and every different symptom. That kind of thinking led me to make all those bad choices in the first place, and now I can see it more clearly?
I'm not sure exactly how to describe it, yesterday when I sort of "chose" to just feel my emotions instead of going out of my way and around the earth to numb them. And boy they hit me like a ton of bricks. I was listening to house music and tearing up, watching scenes from tv shows on youtube and tearing up. I listened to goddamn Ave Maria by Bach/Gounod and cried on the train. It feels good. It feels sort of euphoric? It's strange. Not like drug euphoria, more fleeting, less in my control. Tinged with fear of the unknown, a certain lack of security in my sensations state of being. And fear, but fear that doesn't eclipse all other emotions, but enhances them. Changes them.
"A terrible beauty is born"
I've only 2 weeks away from codeine, and it was, after all - just codeine. But it took my life and it harnessed it, controlled it, utterly and completely. And it made me more sad in the long run than the little happiness I thought it was giving me.
I've made peace with my situation, being out of work, the conflict with my parents. They're never going to change and why should they? They're two middle aged people done with rearing children, they didn't ask for this. And neither did I. I can forgive myself for being insane. For not understanding that there was another way. For searching for something, anything to take away the pain.
I'm not out of the woods, I still have a certain intensity of emotions that I very much hope will lessen as time goes on. Even if the intensity of it all were to drop by maybe 15%, then I would be better equipped to deal with it. But hard as it is, I seem to be dealing with it anyway. Head on, feeling things, hurting, feeling good. It's all just - so much! It's like, when I first took acid and had that "oh!" moment, looking at the dust in the air, at all the beautiful things I had never noticed before. But this isn't a hallucinogen induced perceptive change, this is me rediscovering what reality is like sober. And it's fucking scary, but I'm doing it.