Utopia...the place of healing - Part 28

By opiatebattler · Nov 28, 2014 · ·
  1. Fuck me!!! my head is a mess right now. Please help me, I need some support

    I'm so sick of feeling like a fuck up. I'm a constant source of stress and disappointment to those who love me.

    My sister just rang to ask if I have sent away for my birth certificate. I hadn't. I forgot. I still forget lots. I still have short term memory loss. She needs my birth certificate to change my daughters name. It's important to my daughter. I've been meaning to do it. In my addiction, I didn't get to it. Now I get a call at 7pm Friday night asking me if I've done it. Yet again, I have to admit I'm a fuck up. I tried to do it online but I need to attach 3 ID documents. That's fucking impossible at 7pm on Friday night with no pc. Now I get a message 'we need to talk'. Oh, fuck me! Let's talk about how much of a fucking failure I am. Great.

    Not traveling well in general at the moment. Scared. Feeling inadequate. Unsure of self. Picking holes.

    Main problem is, I'm a hormonal fucking mess at the moment. Bit of background...i have had an Intra Uterine Device(IUD) installed for about 8 years. During those 8 years I've ceased my period. The only time I've bled is when I get my IUD changed and when I got off opiates.

    Here's the rub...I first thought I was having some semblance of a period this week. I thought I was just being a baby about the period pain as I wasn't used to it. There's also my persistent back issues and I started the week thinking it was just that. As the week has progressed, I've become more in tune with what's going on.

    My left side is more swollen and tender than the right. My lower back is sore constantly. My lower abdomen is cramping and sore. I am spotting blood. I am hormonal and a fucking head case...The only other time I'm this irrational is when I'm pregnant. FUCK!

    So, I think I'm up the duff. I know my body pretty well. This isn't period pain or my back pain. It's different.

    I'm well aware that speculation alone is not enough. I'm not here for a diagnosis...tomorrow morning i will be getting a test. I just need some support. I don't feel I can talk to anyone in RL about this.

    I'm scared. I feel like a fuck up. I doubt myself. I'm struggling.


  1. Jungledog

    First, you are not a fuck up. You are a brave woman who is recovering from opiate addiction. Your short term memory issues are from PAWS and will resolve with time. It is still fucking hard to deal with though. Does your sister know that memory issues are a part of the healing process? Maybe you could share literature with her that explains this problem? You are doing your best and your best is good enough.

    As for your medical issues, I am a health care provider. Your IUD should not cause hormonal issues. The low dose of progesterone in it is localized to the uterus and it is completely normal to not get a period on it. It is though not normal to have heavy cramping pain and abdominal swelling so I am happy you are going to go get things checked out. Opiates fuck up our HPA axis which controls our endocrine system. This screws up our hormones majorly. Ask to have a full hormone screen (FSH, LH, estrogen, progesterone, and testosterone). In women when testosterone is low it can affect memory. If you are interested in learning more, read my thread as we have discussed it quite a bit.

    Hope this helps. I wish you the best. Hang in and stop beating yourself up. You ARE good enough my friend.

  2. lostlygirl
    Hi opiatebattler,

    I read through your whole thread about 2 weeks ago, and it seemed as if you were doing so much better. I have been meaning to send you a note saying that I can picture you in your house, with your new guy (is he still around?), in a small town a few hours outside of Sydney. I can see you sanding floors with your daughter and slowly getting Utopia the way you want her (is that what you named her?) Is your new town by the coast or inland?

    I grew up in Adelaide, then I moved to Sydney in my teens (Parramatta, Miranda, Carlingford), but I currently live in Colorado. I miss home, especially now that it's summer and spectacularly hot! Anyway, enough of me.

    I completely understand feeling like a fuck up. It's those little day to day things that we forget that make us feel so bad. What is it about our kids that can make us feel like fuck-ups so fast or heads spin? Even something as small as a birth certificate can mess with our heads.

    One theme that I noticed repeatedly in your thread was how much you love your daughter and want a different life for her (and upbringing) than what you had. I see you consistently providing that for her in spite of addiction. Time and time again you put what she needs, what she wants, what she feels above and beyond anything else, including your addiction. The reason she is living with your sister now is because you put her first, because it's socially where she wants to be right now.

    It's easy to feel that you have somehow failed because she is living with your sister, but that's not the truth. Do you remember at rehab where they taught 'feelings are not facts', well, this is a great example of that. You feel like a fuck up because you forgot her birth certificate, when in actual fact you are a good mother, who is getting healthy and doing the very best for her daughter that she loves. It was a mistake, that's it. People forget stuff whether they struggle with addiction or not. I can guarantee your sister forgets stuff every day. You just don't call up and point out out to her in a way that makes her feel like shit. Addiction is just an excuse others use to make them feel better about themselves.

    Having your daughter live with your sister is going to create all kinds of feelings of failure in you that you wouldn't otherwise have. It's the nature of the beast, and it sucks. Not only that, you miss her like crazy, and those feelings combined with the fact that you want to be taking care of your daughter, and most likely would care for her differently, can stir up all kinds of complicated feelings.

    I lost my mother when I was 15, and here's something I absolutely, without a doubt know, and that is nobody can replace a mother. Nobody. Your daughter may be living with your sister now for a variety of reasons, but all that makes her is just a really great Aunty. That's it. She's not a better mother because she remembered a birth certificate, and she could not ever replace you as a mother because she is not her mother. You are. Your daughter is a part of you, innately connected to you.

    Its easy when we forget something we should not have, to mistake that with feeling that we have somehow failed our children, that we are not the parents we should be. When addiction is involved the guilt is a thousand times worse. It can be so stifling it takes our breath away. Its hard to keep it all in perspective.

    You have come so far from where you started. I read through both of your journals and your story is inspiring, beautiful, and courageous. Do not ever forget how far you have come.

    Hugs, xxoo
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