Utopia...the place of healing - Part 29

By opiatebattler · Nov 30, 2014 · ·
  1. I've been fucking strung along again. I'm sad right now.

    The guy I've been seeing for 2.5 months cannot think of one nice thing he likes about me. Not once have I received a compliment about me. I've brought it up subtly a few times. I tried to just get what I need from myself.

    I started to realize that he was taking my assistance for granted. Thank you does not get said.

    I have minded his child for 4 days in a row. Yesterday afternoon I said I needed him to have her as I needed a break. That was ignored. Disrespect.

    Last night I instigated a discussion about all this. When asked what he likes about me, he has no answer. He looks as if I'm talking another language.

    I have been like a puppy craving something that never came. Now I feel pathetic, dejected and insulted.

    He isn't sure he even wants a relationship. I'm fucking wondering why he pursued me to begin with. A fuck. That's all. Wish he was honest about that from the start.

    Instead, he fucking gave me enough to keep me craving more but not enough to feel secure. Now he pulls back.

    I packed my bags and got on the train to go home. I stayed on past my stop and I'm almost in Sydney now.

    I'm going to score. Fuck it.

    I'm a fucking failure. My head is a fucking mess. I'm a disappointment to my family. I cannot provide for my own child. I detest being alone.

    Heroin will make it go away for just a while. I cannot take all this emotional pain on top of the persistent physical pain.


  1. Jungledog
    I do not tell other people what to do but I will share my thoughts.

    1) You are not a failure. You completed your program and are making strides.

    2) Life is tough. Heroin use makes things worse not better. I mean follow your thinking through. You go and score, you use, you feel good temporarily, and then the guilt and shame will hit you like a fucking wall. Worth it? Probably not.

    3) You do not need anyone to give you worth...not a man, not your child, not anyone. You have worth because you are you. Turn off the negative talk and love yourself. You can do this.

    We are here when you need to vent.
  2. opiatebattler
    Thanks JD...i didn't want to be talked out of it but i started crying when i read that i will feel worse if i do use. Your right. I'm getting off the train before Sydney and a recovery buddy is collecting me at the station.

    Thanks xxxs
  3. Jungledog
    You are welcome. Love you my friend. We will get through this painful shit together. Proud of you!
  4. opiatebattler
    Thanks JD...much love to you. You saved my sobriety today and I appreciate that.

    I am at a good friends house who is massive support in recovery. I am safe but still brooding.

    I will sort this out. Time for an action plan
  5. Jungledog
    Awww but actually YOU saved your sobriety today. It was your choice and in my humble opinion it was the right one. Come up with your plan. You are on the right path my friend. Hang tough!!
  6. lostlygirl
    How are you doing today?

    I know it's hard to hear but you are better off without him. Any guy that can't tell you what he likes about you has to go. I am about ready to tell the guy I am seeing to fuck off for the very same reasons. I know exactly how it makes you feel. It makes you feel like shit. It makes you feel worthless, and even one day of feeling worthless is one day too many. As my counselor has repeatedly told me, people that make you feel like shit have to go, and unless they change, there cannot be room for them in our lives.

    I believe this is inherently a part of the process of healing, of coming out whole on the other side of this hellish ride. It's a necessary emotional housecleaning of sorts, of seeing ourselves differently. If we fully love and value ourselves, everything changes. It must, because it's only when we devalue our own worth that we allow ourselves to be devalued by others. We allow them into our lives because they reaffirm our own belief system. When we love ourselves then we surround ourselves with those that love and value us. We can easily see when we are being treated poorly and choose different relationships. The more we value ourselves, the more other people value us.

    I fully believe that there is someone for everyone, but its when we are ready. It's when we can fully love and accept ourselves, although I also believe the right person can help us see our own worth. Concentrate on yourself and one day he will walk right in your door.

    This is hard shit your going through, and it's not fun. You have come a long way in just recognizing that you are being treated like shit and confronting that. If you let him back in your life, define boundaries that make you valued. What makes you feel valued in your life? Make a list and know what they are. When we know what they are other people can more readily and easily give them to us.

    You deserve the very best life has to offer. Its coming, girl, I can feel it. You are a beautiful soul that is sooo much stronger than you know. There is a strength in you girl, you proved that last night by getting on a train and going where you are loved. You may not see that right now, but we all do.

    Hugs, love & strength, xxoo
  7. Jungledog
    How you doing love? I have been thinking of you and wishing you the best.
  8. opiatebattler
    I'm OK. Very flat. Tired. Sad. But still clean

    Thanks for the support everyone
  9. lostlygirl
    Why are you sad, lovely?

  10. Jungledog
    Well it is ok to feel sad. And it is scary to face this without numbing it but you are doing that. This makes me proud again. If you can, get out and force yourself to walk. Exercise will help both your body and mind heal. Much love to you.
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