W/D's kicking in...

By GiGi-Pup · Jan 13, 2018 · ·
  1. I'm restless and bored. I was actually partly moved to quit when my mum rang and told me a child I grew up with o/d'd and passed. It was so heartbreaking to hear. Mum also said she can't pretend it's all sweet with me anymore and she knows I'm using again (I never hardly see her, I'm 36 my bf lives with me) she always knows. It broke my heart. I never told her or my lil sister or dad so not to worry them but she begged me not to end up dead and I don't want to either.
    Plus I'm over the whole shitty waste of life and time. What a shit life it is honestly like this.
    My legs are kicking inside and I can't sleep but it's going to be worth it. The upteenth w/d but worth it. Always a chance I'll stay clean.

    About Author

    The secret junkie creating a "Bella figura" to the world acting like I've got it all together but it's totally not true.
    torn2bits likes this.


  1. bwf808
    Long time lurker, first time poster.

    Sorry to hear about your friend/acquaintance. I've had several of those phone calls as I'm sure too many of us have. I hate to say it but after so many, they don't really phase me anymore. I lost my closest friend right about 8 years ago and it wrecked me. Since then I've felt the effects of someones passing less and less, even close friends. A guy that I grew up with, known since I was around 10 years old (who happened to be my dealer and using buddy), was the most recent one to die and it hardly phased me. I wanted to care when I heard he had died, I wanted to feel heartbroken, but I just didn't. More than anything I was upset and worried because I had to find a new connect. This is someone I saw at least once a week, usually more often, and had known for two thirds of my life, but my only thoughts were completely selfish. I felt like such a piece of shit...I don't think I can cry when someone dies now even though sometimes I wish I could. Both of my grandparents died on 2017 and I feel fucked up saying this, but even trying to make myself cry at their funerals I couldn't. I was more focused on trying not to nod off...

    The only time I can ever cry is when I'm going through withdrawal.

    It's interesting that your post is the first one I happened upon after registering and finally deciding to post. I've been in the same boat as you lately. My mom has been (accurately) accusing me of using again after about a year and a half of legit sobriety and I recently, finally, admitted to her that I wasn't clean anymore after denying it for several months as to spare her worrying (or so I told myself). She knew, she'd known for months. She had just lived suffering in silence knowing that this sober, happy person I was portraying was complete horseshit. I don't see my mom that often and when I did I made sure I never saw her when I was really fucked up but somehow she still knew. I have no idea how but she did. My mom didn't tell me until after I had gotten out of rehab this last time but she said that two Christmas's ago she woke up every single day wondering if that day was the day she would get the phone call telling her that I was dead. So me using again is hell for her, I can only imagine.

    I'm totally with you on the whole shitty waste of a shit life. I spend every cent of my paycheck on dope or methadone, trying to make it to my next check without getting sick so I can work to make money to spend on dope and methadone... I'm going nowhere and have absolutely nothing to show for the last 2 years of my life. I'm actually surprised that I still have the majority of my possessions still. Usually they've made it to the pawn shop by now.

    I decided to reply to your post ultimately because I'm going to try and sober up again in a few days (whenever my dope runs out). And not because I need to, or to save my own life, or because its what I should do. Honestly, its because I've done more dope today than I ever have in a single day before and I'm not really high. I'm just not sick, and it fucking blows. I'm just mostly afraid of not being able to go to work. My job is fairly physically demanding and I can't afford to miss any work due to being sick so I'm actually really scared of quitting because I have to be good to go to work. I have a coupe meth wafers so that should help for a day or two but I'm gonna have to tough it out. It's crazy that the thought of WD's is the most terrifying thing I can think of these days.

    Sorry for the fucking novel. I hope you make it through ok and give yourself another chance and your mom some peace of mind.

    Much love
      GiGi-Pup likes this.
    1. GiGi-Pup
      Thanks so much for your reply. I've been so sick,can hardly move. I feel nothing but guilt when using but my god, w/d's it all comes out. I've been numbed so long. It's sad but the death becomes too common I don't want to be the girl who had potential but died on heroin. It's sad enough to lose 15 years to drugs. I applaud u for giving sobriety a chance and bless our mums,the weird psychic power they have no matter how much we hide it! Thinking of you &hoping the best comes your way xxx
      Lozzle81 likes this.
  2. Lozzle81
    Mums always know don’t they? My mum could tell over the phone and I never knew how but they’ve been listening to our voices all our lives and it’s probably as clear as day. Your mum sounds scared bless her, even more so due to your friends sad passing. Treasure your mum. I lost mine and sadly she knew I’d relapsed not long before. Give your mum the greatest gift you ever can - just you all clean and the daughter she loves more than anything.

    You sound very committed though which is fab! Do you mind me asking what day you’re on? The legs are one of the worst bits of withdrawals in my opinion but you’re sounding strong and that’s most of the battle in my experience! You go girl! xx
      GiGi-Pup likes this.
  3. GiGi-Pup
    So true, I almost wAnt to do this at very least just for my mum. She had me, I was a brat and ruined a lot being a drug addict, put a 500k house up my arm her father left me, my sister and I have nothing now. My mum n sad in their 8"'a are renting and so so sad about me. My sister who is 8 years my junior is a saint and lives with them. Thank goodness for her. I tell them constantly how sorry I am and they don't hold any grudge just pray I'll turn it all around. Seeing the sadness of my childhood friends mother who says it's like yesterday no matter what time passses and how devestated the whole family is. I want to elimate that possibility so much. My family never deserved a shitty daughter like me, I'm 36 and just clinging on to hope. I'm on day 3 I'm in pain bad though. Methadone 40mg holds me 6 hours then I take caterpres and vals. I feel terrible but it's worth it. I just hope I don't relapse. Xxxx
      Lozzle81 likes this.
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