The hours seem to be endless. My thoughts are consumed with using cannabis again. It is not so much the insomnia, although that is still here with me. My diet is slowly getting better, but it is more when I eat, rather than how much. Instead of starving all day and eating at night, I now try and eat small meals several times a day. I just cannot seem to get a handle on the frustration and stress in my life. And it is over simple things. Nothing earth-shattering or life and death, but stupid crap that I really have no control over. I just cannot seem to let it go, and it turns into anger.
I am so angry, all the time. It bursts out and I sit there, horrified at what I have become in that instant. It is like there is this huge hole of nothingness that I cannot fill with anything except anger and rage. And my demon waits patiently for those moments and then strikes. Now, I know this anger is not the cannabis withdrawal symptoms, although that does play a part. No, this comes from the PTSD and my inability to deal with things like negative emotions that arise from stress and frustration. In the past, that was what the cannabis was for.
A crutch. Smoke some weed and it fills that hole, that nothingness. It blunts the negative emotions by taking my mind off of the frustrations and lets me work through things from a distance. Problem is, that does not now, nor has it ever, solved the problem. A ticking time bomb cannot be defused from a distance! Things never truly get worked out or solved. They just tend to get pushed to the side and left to fester. Instead of working my way through things, I throw money at them until they go away.
Several days ago, my laptop went down. I had to do a reinstall of the OS, but I decided to take it to a local shop and let them do everything, because I just did not have the patience. Tear it down, do a thorough cleaning of the interior, check the hardware, and reinstall the dual boot of linux and windoze. I don't normally use windoze, but I have a few things, like pictures, music and games, that I need windoze for. And actually, I don't need the music and games! But the pictures are irreplaceble. Of course, I have back-ups.....scattered across multiple disks and thumb-drives, and no idea of where they are all currently located. So I took it in and explained what I needed done. No problem! 250.00 dollars and a solid week later, I finally get a call saying that it was ready to pick up. I had a terrible heat build-up, because the heat sink was clogged with pet hair and it caused part of one memory card to fail. My battery was bad, as was the backup battery I had. But it was all cleaned out and a couple of new memory sticks were installed, had a new battery delivered, and it was running like new again. Or so I thought!
I get it home, fire it up, and.....windoze is gone. Completely! So I take a couple of deep breaths, and give the computer store a call. Ask calmly and politely what happened with the very clear instructions I gave. Must have been a miscommunication, they said. Don't see how that is possible, sez I. I was VERY clear as to the importance of saving the few things I had discussed with the tech. Talked about it multiple times! So the tech that worked on it, who was quite conveniently out of the office at that moment, would give me a call. Never mind, sez I. I'll just pop down there and wait for him to come back in.
At this point, I am starting to get angry. I feel like I am being fed a line of bullcrap. So the guy explains to me how he misunderstood what I wanted done. He actually did save everything I wanted, but it is now in a file that is stored on the machine. Ever try to open files that are exclusively microsoft on a linux machine that has no windoze OS? So now, my options are limited. I can install WINE, which, in my personal opinion, sucks. Both the program as well as installing it! I can go out and buy a new copy of Windoze 10, which after looking into, I found that it is not available within 250 miles of my zip code EXCEPT at walmart, who had 1 copy in stock and would cost 169.99, because it was win10 pro and not win10 home. Or I can download everything to a thumb drive, AFTER I can find it and set things up to move it all over.
I went ballistic. Like ballistic with a MIRV, nuking everything in sight. Cussing and hollering at the computer, at the business, at the tech, at microsoft for being so damn proprietary, at the cat for being in the same room, at the dog who came in to see if I was OK. I was so angry I could not think straight or concentrate, which made me even angrier. The nothingness became bigger and bigger, as my anger grew. At one point, I was a single click away from closing on a new $3000.00 computer! WTF? A new computer will not solve anything! Even if it IS a very expensive rig.
It won't bring back the only pictures I have left of The Dog and The Rotten Little Kittens. It will not bring back the only pictures I have left of my grandparents and other family members who are dead and gone now.
And all this time, my demon is sitting there in its little cubby, less that an arm's length away. Whispering in my brain that what I really need is sitting right there, waiting. Telling me that giving in is not a failure, it is just relieving the anger and frustration.
Really, just one time would not hurt, and nobody else would even know. It would be for the best, for everyone involved!
No. no, no, NO! Not now, not ever. I got up and walked away. Played with the dog for a few minutes, threw the cat up on my shoulder (her favorite place!) and walked around giving her a ride. Went to Wal-mart and bought a thumb-drive. Finally sat down and did a huge amount of forensic computer crap, and finally managed to get the really important stuff transferred over. I still have no windoze installed and will have to buy a retail copy, whenever they finally become available.
But the nothingness is still there, just waiting. Patiently waiting. My demon sits there at its side, pushing and prodding, ever so gently whenever there is an opening or an opportunity for me to fail. Waiting for the day I don't save myself and nobody is there to save me in spite of myself.
Together, they suck like a thousand dollar whore!
But I am waking up to this hole of nothingness and the way it affects me. First rule.....when you find yourself in a hole, stop digging!
Save yourself, whatever it takes. Just fucking wake up.