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Why now after all this time?

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  1. So blessed to have found this site. Without it I wouldnt even begin to let this all out. So why now? Because I'm getting old and what used to be fun is now a chore. Ive lost so much money friends family and self-respect. Funny thing is ive kept my use a secret for almost two decades. Those who I have told or know where either a dealer or partner in crime. I've been sober by force but eventually the circle goes back around I cant have a decent relationship because my love foe drugs has always come first. I refuse to be with another addict or id be homeless jobless and insane. Having to conform and pretend actually helps me from going to far down the rabbit hole. I've glimpsed it and I know what's down there. I think I should say some things that I've thought have contributed to my drug addiction and see if they hold any merit, it's not to excuse my intentional participation, but to understand it and see if I can find what it is that dtives my self destruction. I was born into a lie. My father isnt my father, my mother didnt want me: sge wanted the man I thought was my father. My biological father is a crackhead. My family is white, I am mixed but look like a brown black girl with "something" mised in there. My family is racist and ive only ever had a bond with my mother, that has eroded over time, neglect, and lies. My half brother by my mother has no relationship with me, even though we grew up together in the same house! Theres no real reasin for this, he is just as prejudiced (not racist) as my nother and grandmother who together fucked both our heads with an apocalyptic religuon from an early age. I need to smoke something now so I'll be back at some point. Feedback is welcomed

    About Author

    Lostandlonely
    Just a regular Jane Doe.With nowhere to go... I want you to show me the way

Comments

  1. Desirae
    I feel as though I can totally relate to some of your feelings around your using and how you have kept it a secret and can't start a relationship because you would end up insane if you went out with an addict and I totally can agree on that one. I totally know what you mean about how keeping it a secret and pretending has saved you from going to far down the rabbit hole too. I call it "faking and making it", I can kindof be a strain though because I wish that I didn't have to pretend and could just be that clean "normal" person people think that I am that don't know my secret. It also sounds like your family is similar to me as well. I have little to know relationship with any of my family and never really have unfortunately. My mom was always a cold unaffectionate one that is really distant from me and doesn't want to be much of a mother role which has left me feeling like I have a little bit of issues now because of being brought up the way I did, but I am working on them a little when I can. Some of that stuff just takes a toll on you though and there isn't a lot to get over some of it I am finding. I am still cutting down and haven't quite been able to stop using yet completely but I am atleast having the desire to quit and making steps towards doing so which is more than I have ever done in my twenty years of using now. I have more motivation which is good. I wish you the best of luck!
  2. Lostandlonely
    I appreciate your reply, it helps to know im not some sub human anomaly! Although at times I feel like I am. The faking it to make it thing is what saves me everytime! I could've been up all night yet I'll still drag myself to work because i cant lose what little life I've made for myself.
    I too have cut down, last year i spent so much money and my time seemed to be consumed with finding the best product.
    Now I use one guy and if I cant get him I'll smoke some weed take some pills (currently cocodamal or tramadol) and wait, I think deep down I know I enjoy the high too much to be sober, I just wish i could be a once every few months person which im definitely not.
    I do believe the loneliness excaerbates my use, but letting a non user into my secret opens me up to judgement and further seld loathing which would push me further towards getting high, and being with another user is not an option, for reasons stated.
    I think if the stigma of class A substances wasn't present i wouldn't feel so crappy about myself, the burden of my secret has driven me to suicide more than once, and about 13 years ago I almost succeeded. I was in a coma for 48 hours but managed to pull through with no lasting damage, so I tell myself I must be here for a reason, and I know its not to be a functioning addict. Thank you again for replying, bless you! Much love x
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