So blessed to have found this site. Without it I wouldnt even begin to let this all out. So why now? Because I'm getting old and what used to be fun is now a chore. Ive lost so much money friends family and self-respect. Funny thing is ive kept my use a secret for almost two decades. Those who I have told or know where either a dealer or partner in crime. I've been sober by force but eventually the circle goes back around I cant have a decent relationship because my love foe drugs has always come first. I refuse to be with another addict or id be homeless jobless and insane. Having to conform and pretend actually helps me from going to far down the rabbit hole. I've glimpsed it and I know what's down there. I think I should say some things that I've thought have contributed to my drug addiction and see if they hold any merit, it's not to excuse my intentional participation, but to understand it and see if I can find what it is that dtives my self destruction. I was born into a lie. My father isnt my father, my mother didnt want me: sge wanted the man I thought was my father. My biological father is a crackhead. My family is white, I am mixed but look like a brown black girl with "something" mised in there. My family is racist and ive only ever had a bond with my mother, that has eroded over time, neglect, and lies. My half brother by my mother has no relationship with me, even though we grew up together in the same house! Theres no real reasin for this, he is just as prejudiced (not racist) as my nother and grandmother who together fucked both our heads with an apocalyptic religuon from an early age. I need to smoke something now so I'll be back at some point. Feedback is welcomed
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Why now after all this time?