I am writing this in search of the “truth”. On my journey I have discovered many of the truths I thought were real were actually not-truth. Not deep and complex philosophical truths like “people are good not evil”. I am talking about actual things like “I did x because of y” or even just “x happened”. This pre-dates my drug addiction.
To be “accountable” to the “truth”, I’m trying to follow a couple rules as to how I structure this. In writing this, I am trying to overcome my natural tendency to enjoy the thrill of the tangent chase, the numerous metaphors to explain my metaphors (metaphorically speaking) and my substance-abuse altered timeline memory.
So my structure:
· Give the most accurate representation of dates, timeframes and durations as often as possible.
· Write the “narrative” that exists in my brain in quotations. This is the story as I’ve been telling it to myself and other people. Full of ego-perception-inaccuracies.
· Then unpack the narrative with context and reality. What actually happened?
· Reduce dark and cynical humour; without completely drying out my natural tendency to humour (tendency, not ability).
· I will follow the rules, I will not be documenting my drug-use. This concept is my documentation of my abstinence and my thought process to gain it.
So really, I am looking for truth and order. Will it free me from my disease? I don’t know. But I do know that my mistruths are keeping me sick. With that said, I’m really writing this for myself and I will probably just write whatever I feel inspired at the time to write. But at least I’m trying.