Aw, thank you for support. It brought a tear to my eye actually, damn emotions.
Getting high doesn't really "calm" me down, though it definately has at the start of the withdrawal. One night I was just going crazy, not literallly - but, I was getting upset over how hard it already was and how shitty I felt. That was also the night I looked up the withdrawals from Paxil and that probably made it worse.
Getting high now is just because I love the feeling, I love being high, it's fun and amazing and it intoxicates me how a plant has these effects, which make me research and learn more.
Before the accident, I sort of did. I'm not sure about the anxiety - Quitting school the first week of my senior year, and not very social for around 3 years after that, I grew socially awkward. I knew I had depression, I'd suffered from it since 17 years old without medicine. I don't think it was severe, and I actually think upon talking to my best friend that I may have SAD.
My depression comes always in the winter. At the end of November, and all throughout December. I noticed that I didn't really ever like alcohol - it made her more sick - but she was drinking all the time in December and that's it. Like, 31 days of the year i'm an alcoholic, but every other season i'm fine.
Once my best friend explained this to me, I told him "There's no way i'm seeing another doctor to get hooked on another pill. I want to be naturally happy without medicine." And he promptly informed me that they give you lamps. I laughed at first, but then researched and the reviews for it are AMAZING. Light therapy, something as simple as that could cure me?
And the final good news: My ex and I were talking and he was looking up things to make you feel better, because we determined that the "serotonin" was what I was withdrawaling from. We looked into it and found these natural herbal pills called "5-HTP". The reviews on amazon for it were amazing, so I decided I was going to try it. I just got it in the mail today, and took one a short while ago. I feel sleepy and sort of calm, but it's hard to judge when you're high.