Living isn’t living unless ur sober

  1. Journal Description

    Day four of sobriety..I recently relapsed and used excuses my wife was cheating and all to go do it..you see whenever I relapse or in process of I see a change in everything around me and so I take it further n I relapse ..I shoot meth n do unthinkable things that put myself my thoughts and other peoples thoughts of me at risk..w total disregard to myself only to search for some answers that I feel I will find in my relationship..knowing this sounds completely retarded in some sense I have a problem decyphering between what’s real n I what’s not..prior to my meth use I have been diagnosed with a few moderate psychological problems that I’m sure has excelersted based upon my continued meth use..for two years I have on n off my use but I feel the sober time between all that gave ppl hope where as to then I would fail..I now find myself at the lowest point I have not based upon my use alone but more so the damages I have cause my family friends and loved one..my son how I have robbed precious time away from his life from spending with me I choose things that inevitably pulled me away .. my wife who
    I love but feels utter hatred n disgust for me based upon my own actions has every right but I don’t know if it’s humanly possible to forgive someone after the things I have done! That is my biggest obstacle not to mention the ppl in her life how would they ever accept me n then proceed to judge her that prolly the biggest pull back ..I find myself depressed and obsessing over current n past situations that stem from my own actions..I don’t do meth cause I like to I do it cause something tells me that things will become a bit clearer ..doing meth leads me to
    Do unspeakable things n I continue to do that in hopes to finding answers answers to problems I have created , but the only answer n facts I do know is meth not only kills any possibility of me being a better person but it kills my ability to make right by my wrongs n holds me back from being the best damn father I can be..so I type this up I find myself lost to right my wrongs.. but I find myself determined to do what I need to to have my son