When to stop, when to stop.....

  1. Journal Description

    I guess I’m writing this to try and give myself some perspective. If I write all the garbage from my head down and then come back and read it later and pretend it’s someone else’s garbage maybe I can get some kind of perspective.

    I got prescribed oxycodone a couple years ago for a back injury that just wouldn’t heal up. The meds didn’t help much and I was running out before the end of the month. I found poppy seed tea (PST) late last year and it was a miracle. Not only did it really help my back pain, but it helped it all day. It also relieves my migraines that tend to end me up in the ER a couple times a month. I knew it was addictive, but didn’t really care. I figured I was going to be on it for the rest of my life anyway. It was my miracle drug, back pain, migraines, joint pain, anxiety, depression. It is my fix-all.

    I can’t have pain stop me. My husband has Parkinson’s disease, type one diabetes, kidney disease and fights bouts of depression. My mom and dad live the next street over and my dad can’t do much of anything after his stroke and my mom needs a lot of help around the place. My daughters husband just walked out on her and now she needs help with the baby. My husband can’t drive, so if he has an appointment I can’t say, “I don’t feel good.” I have to drive him. I can power through a certain amount of pain, but at some point, I need help. Thus the PST.

    Well...my back got fixed. After all the MRIs and labs and everything else, I went to a chiropractor and now my back is pain free. Yea!! But I have developed a meaningful relationship with PST. I need to still be able to use it for migraines, but I have to quit using it for everything else now. Before it was for my back, but it helped everything else too. Now I have to go back to the achy joints and bones. The social anxiety and the “my life is never ending doctors appointments “ depression.

    My mom and ya’ll on DF are the only ones that know I’m dependent/addicted. I don’t know which I am. I know I am physically dependent. I will get withdrawals. But I don’t know if I am addicted to not. I was addicted to alcohol. Full blown alcoholic. When I put the bottle down I felt like I had lost my best friend. It took years and I’m still adjusting to life without booze. Booze is definitely my drug of choice. But me and booze don’t mix anymore. The last ten years of drinking was just an angry blur. Anyways, sorry for the tangent there. I guess I will find out when I quit if I addicted. Not that it really matters, either way I have to stop the daily use of PST. But for all the reasons mentioned above I don’t have time to go through withdrawals.

    So the quandary, when to quit. Right now, right now yells the crowd. It’s not that easy. We leave tomorrow for treatment 200 miles away. When we get back I have two weeks before we have to go back. Four or five years ago I had surgery and was on oxycodone for about 4 months. When I quit I had chronic diarrhea that lasted until I hurt my back and was on oxycodone again. Good lord I do not want to go back to that. Having to wear a damn diaper. Getting thirty seconds warning I need to be on a pot if I was lucky. It’s a living hell. I adjusted diet, I tried ant-diarrheals, even went to the doctor and nothing worked.

    I don't really know how bad the withdrawals are going to be. I have been taking 400 grams a day for over six months. I have reduced this to every other day several times since my back got fixed with no ill effects. About the 36 hour mark the restless leg syndrome starts. It will wake me up in a sound sleep and the only thing I’ve done is redose. I’ve never gone long enough to find out when the bowel issues will start. When I went through withdrawals from the oxycodone it only lasted 3 or 4 days, other than the diarrhea, and it was just RLS, insomnia and general blah feeling. But I wasn’t on that high of dose. It was only 14mg every 4 or 6 hours.

    I know withdrawals from the PST are going to be longer and harder. After using PST for a week or so, I ran out of poppy seeds and took some oxycodone. I ended up taking three times my normal dose and it didn’t touch the pain. My tolerance is much higher than it was before I started the PST. I don’t know if a persons tolerance makes any difference in the withdrawals, but I am in uncharted territory for me.

    I can’t get kratom. Weed is out, I just get stupid and paranoid. If loperamide would work in reasonable doses I might try it, but anything more than 6mg for more than 3 or 4 days and I’m done with that. Don’t need that monkey on my back. I know lots of fluids and have some ideas about vitamins, but I am also on a limited budget and vitamins are crazy expensive.

    I will quit the day we come back from a treatment. That will be a Monday and it will give me two weeks before I have to be fully functional. I will make it on a week when we only have his Tuesday appointment and I shouldn’t have to do anything but the normal stuff around the house for a week and then his next Tuesday appointment.

    Until then any ideas about maybe tapering? My mix makes about 2 cups of liquid. I was thinking maybe cut back to 1 1/2 cups and seeing how it goes and then cutting back another 1/2 cup. Any ideas are welcome. I have read through a bunch of recovery journals but I haven’t found one for PST. I even used the search engine for PST withdrawals and didn’t come up with much.

    Anywho thanks for letting me ramble and maybe this will make sense when I read it tomorrow.