Experiences - All Pain, No Gain: retrospective on heroin use

Discussion in 'Opiates & Opioids' started by Pitnicker, Dec 16, 2003.

  1. Pitnicker

    Pitnicker Newbie

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    Hi I'm new around here, but I thought I'd post my own experiences with heroin. I've never touched it, but I've suffered through the withdrawls, the lying, the stealing, the pain, and the endless cycle that inevitably draws the addict to embrace his adversary.


    You see, my brother is a heroin addict, and to say he's flushed his life down the toilet would imply he only flushed once -- it's more like he flushed it down the toilet, it arrived in a dingier, lower toilet, and he flushed it again. I remember when I first found out he did it. I was shocked, but not judgemental.He was my guide into the world of drugs, and he offered it to me just like he offered me weed for my first time. I don't blame him or hold it against him that he offered me a pass into his own personal hell, he was ignorant then. He doesn't seem much wiser now.


    I remember seeing him again a few months later (he lived in another city), he said he was going clean. "Cool," I thought. I remember seeing him a couple months after that. Still going clean? Ok... well when I saw him for the third time and he was still going clean I began to wonder. I appreciated his candor about his drug use, but hell, these were still his golden years compared with what was to come. He was in school, his wife and him had their own apartment, he had a job... basically he had a life.


    But eventually, one must choose between life and heroin. He chose the one that comes in needles. I found out he had maxed out my parents' credit card which they had given him. $20,000 limit. I found out he had been spending his tuition and equipment money on heroin. I found out he was moving back in with my parents. Now, I had never told my parents the truth about him, because I had never believed what the media told me about heroin addicts.It didn't take my parents long to figure out, when their son came home bombed out on H, having an easier time following his waking dreams than their conversation.


    So then he was "clean" again, a word which has come to mean to me: the interval between using. A few months later he stole some checks from my parents and he and his wife went on a little binge. Then he sold his car and pawned off any possessions of his of value. I fully believe if he could, he would have pawned his soul. Well after this slip-up, he and his wife were clean for over a year.


    I moved out of town and everything seemed fine. When I came back, he seemed a little "off." I didn't really think too much of it though. That is, until he house-sat for my family and I while we took a vacation. We came back and discovered our house had been redecorated. Or, I should say, de-decorated. My valuables now festooned the shelves of a pawn shop. The night we came back my brother tried to commit suicide.


    I tried to help him. I tried to tell him the reason he was using this drug was a deep-seated emotional problem, something he had to deal with, not avoid. I tried to show him how I had dealt with my own depression (and accompanying drug dependency). I tried to put the spirit back in him, all the while telling him it's something he must do himself. My brother went to a free rehab clinic (his wife had not relapsed along with him), and he also got on methadone.


    He was clean for a few months, then one day disappeared with his car (his wife had bought it), and lo and behold, he had been off chasing the dragon. By this time I wasn't shocked or saddened, I was numb. It was almost like I had been waiting for it to happen. And well, the next time a month later (back in October) was no surprise to me either. Of course, since he had stolen from me I was no longer in the "inner-circle." I was lied to like I was some parent, he would hide the habit from me making our relationship entirely superficial. I removed my faith in him when he was no longer candid with me.


    I think his lying to me is morea reflection of his opinion of himself.


    Well, things are different now. They're worse. I had no contact with him and his wife for a month, and he ended up moving in with my only other friend besides them. When I finally come over to their place for a visit, I see track marks on my friend's arm. So basically, not only has my brother relapsed yet again, his wife finally ended her abstinence, but they've now dragged my only other friend into their own personal hell. They look like zombies, live like zombies, ARE zombies... thrall to the drug I know so well but have never touched.


    My friend finally came forward and told me the truth. It was good to hear it from someone because I hated the feeling of patronization like I "wouldn't figure out." But it doesn't change the fact that my brother is a shell of a person and I'm almost disgusted by his presence, his wife is an emotional wreck with health problems, and my friend is deeply suicidal.


    I know heroin -- not the high, but all of the lows. I hate it, it revolts me, it saddens me, it makes me wish things were like they were; most of all, I know it because heroin is my brother.
     
    1. 4/5,
      in depth personal experience re: heroin
      Sep 11, 2010
  2. Guest

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    If you hate heroin, you will love Iboga. It can end the addiction and turn things around. There is a risk though.Search this forum for more info.
     
  3. Pitnicker

    Pitnicker Newbie

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    I am aware of Ibogaine and its potential curative properties. Unfortunately, since I live in the States, and since my brother is the one with the problem, there is no way he nor I could feasibly afford such experimental treatment.


    I am interested in Ibogaine myself for its spiritual qualities. However, after thinking about it long and hard I have decided that shortcuts to spiritual answers cheat the person of the journey to the answer, which is as, if not moreso, important than the answer itself. I'm not sure if I have the same opinion on my brother's addiction, as I cannot speak from experience, but my guess is these "shortcuts" through addiction can only be a catalyst for change, not the actual force of change. Reading experiences about addicts who did not enjoy the miracle healing from Iboga reinforces my opinion on the subject.


    This message was meant to provide insight on what it feels like to be a family member close to someone who is an addict. It is meant to illustrate how the cycle of self-abuse and destructiveness which many addicts suffers from involves more than just themselves. The family members who refuse to give up (like my mother and I) remain permanently emotionally invested in the affairs of my brother, when he should have a life an identity in his own right. Instead, the family can be left feeling like helpless caretakers, forced to watch as the person destroys themselves.


    It may seem like hypocrisy to preach on drugs, seeing as I smoked weed for years, rolled on ecstasy a number of times, dropped acid, tripped off mushrooms, and have had a cornucopia of painkillers, downers, uppers and muscle relaxants, but there's something different about this drug. I felt the drugs I did ended up stunting my growth as a person, heroin seems to actually cause negative regression in some peoples' personalities. In my brother's case, it turned him from a unique individual I loved intothe stereotypical fiending addict. Sometimes when I look at him now I wonder if any vestige of his former self remains.
     
  4. ParegoricKid

    ParegoricKid Newbie

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    yeah you are a hypocrite for using painkillers and then saying the one you're brother uses is evil


    it's not evil if it's called vicodin, oxys, ms contin, right? but if it's H, oh god look out, it's some kind of unstoppable monster? of courseH is a LOT stronger than those others, but if you use the others enough, you'd get hooked on it just the same. they all are very similar. if you use them enough you're hooked, if you useH enough you get hooked.


    personally I view none of them as evil, if someone wants to do them orbecome addicted, that's their personal choice, their own right. It's his life not yours.


    I just want to add MOST people who try H don't become addicts.
     
  5. Guest

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    I would not recomend Iboga for other than anti-addictive use, for the effects are not pleasant and the a dose high enough for a spiritual journey is just under a deadly dose. Also beware that this is a strong MAO inhibitor, which rules out combinatingIboga with many other substances of interest. Iboga is easy to order from the internet for a very low price, so that should not be an objection for its use as treatment.


    Although not everyone handles psychedelics well, I consider these as the only drugs that can give spiritual, mystical answers and provide shortcuts in life's learning lessons. In mystical traditions this is refered to as a "left hand path". I see nothing wrong with enriching yourself with tools from mother nature.


    Pitnicker's brother is not evil for using Heroin, but his actions caused by it can certainly be seen as such. It's not the use of drugs that are evil or wrong, but theeffects that certain drugs have on the average persons life can. It is the distinction between different kinds of drugs that matters to me. Drugs are such a wide category. From harmless to deadly.Is it possible to have a normal life while using them should be a very important question while judging about a substance. Downers are in a grey area here. Heroin is certainly not. I agree with Paregoric that downers should not be taken lightly and that it is the right of every person to use any substance that he likes. But if a substance causes a person to harm any other, then I do not agree. With Heroin, speed, coke and some other substancesthis is what happens in many cases.


    And then it is also Pitnickers life.


    Paregoric: could you please tell me where you got the information that most Heroin users do not get addicted? If this is so, then I am misinformed. I have read that most occasional users get addicted. Primarely because the tolerance to heroin rises very fast.
     
  6. ParegoricKid

    ParegoricKid Newbie

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    i read that from heroinhelper.com there was also a study i read that showed this too, if you can't find it on that site, I will look for the link to the studies I read


    none of these drugs would cause people to do this IF they were legal, this shit doesn't happen with cigarettes and alcohol because they are legal, it's not the substance that causes people to do this, it's the place society puts the user in. just about every user is aware of this, so if they become addicted it shouldn't be a big f**king surprise. If you can't deal with a habit you shouldn't start doing H all the time, that is common sense folks!


    also from personal experience I can tell you heroin isn't as quickly addictive as propaganda would have you believe


    also want to add I think ibogaine is shit, if you want a cure look into apomorphine
     
  7. Mask

    Mask Newbie

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    Methadone is a very effective medication for opiate addiction if used properly. I know from experience. As long as there is NO opiate use while on the Methadone, it is your best chance in the US to overcome Heroin addiction. The biggest mistake someone can make is using heroin while on methadone. It is litterally like having two separate addictions at one time. This is the reason that there are so many horror stories concerning the drug. Myths have been widely spread that methadone is harder to kick than heroin. This is false. The fact is that if you are still going to use heroin and other opiates while on methadone, of course it will be worse than jsut kicking methadone itself.



    Before methadone I had a 2+ gram a day heroin habit. I got on the drug, stabilized at 85 mg...just enough to feel no withdrwal symtoms from heroin...I stayed off heroin and have come down to 55 mg with virtually no withdrawl symptoms. It does work, if you do it properly.



    M
     
    1. 3/5,
      for posting a valid POV about methadone
      Sep 11, 2010
  8. Pitnicker

    Pitnicker Newbie

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    To Alfa: You sum up my stance on drugs in general (heroin included), and perhaps if I came to this forum to temper my words and notvent what I don't have the courage to say to my brother myself, I would have said something quite similar to what you wrote. About the spiritual use of hallucinogens -- I have no problem with other people taking that route, after all many of the most spiritual cultures drank yage, consumed iboga, had elaborate peyote rituals, brewed datura into potions and took mushrooms... for me however, I'd rather be at a spiritual milestone when taking these drugs than using them to try and reach that spiritual milestone.


    Paregoric: I may be a hypocrite in your eyes... butsince this post, my brother has stolen from me multiple times again, OD'ed and had to be taken to the hospital (not the first time), and lied about it all repeatedly. Even worse, my only other friend has massive abcesses covering his entire arms from injecting improperly -- and I found out they were both shooting speedballs, not just plain H.


    There are a number of reasons I feel justified in my position. I know if he hadn'tdone heroin, he would have never stolen from me or the rest of my family. I know if he hadn'tdone heroin, he wouldn't have lost all remnants of his personality. I know if he hadn't done heroin, he wouldn't have introduced it to my only other friend who is now on the brink of suicide. I (think) I know if he hadn't done heroin, he wouldn't be living in a hellish depression with no job or future in sight. To me, I would be a hypocrite if I just slammed the door on his face. Instead, I still hang out with him and try to be his friend and brother, superficial as our relationship may be, while he still steals from me. Can you blame me for hating the fact he's done this drug since it's turned him into a broke, sad, lying thief? It's either hate the drug or hate him, and I know I still love him.


    Yes I've done my share of drugs, but they've never caused me to inflict deep emotional wounds on loved ones. I get scared everytime the phone rings, thinking it's going to be the local hospital telling me he's dead, or his wife calling to reveal some new trauma. You have to understand thatin my circumstances, it is no longer "just his choice." That used to be my attitude, until hebegan the stealing and the lying. It no longer just involves him, it causes me and my family hurt everytime. If it had been oxy he was addicted to, I'd be posting the exact same message.


    Sure we could argue about if drugs were legal this wouldn't be the case. But that's an abstract argument, I live in a cold reality where I have to hide my valuables when my brother comes over.


    To Mask: My brother's been on methadone before, it helped him quit for a little while, then he got back to chasing the dragon. He and his wife can no longer afford the treatment, and my family won't help him pay for anything unless he gets a job.


    I hope this addresses all the replies, I appreciate your time. I put this here as an unadulterated text of my feelings on the matter, I didn't tone down my rhetoric to make it more acceptable or make any false pretenses about my own past which would make me seem less hypocritical. It's the truth the way I see it, and I'll keep updating this post with any further developments.
     
  9. Hollywood

    Hollywood Gold Member

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    I understand your problem. It is sad and it's not just your brother that suffers from this drug. Everyone that is slightly near him is effected in one way or another. I think the first time you put a needle in your arm, you surrender your sole to the devil. And everyone that fu/ks with H, will become a junky. Iv'e been around a lot of years. Not many of us will live to tell our tell about H,. Most end up dead, in prison and a very few get clean and stay clean.
     
  10. Pitnicker

    Pitnicker Newbie

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    For anyone who's curious about this story... After going "sober," I was rekindling a friendship with my brother. Things seemed to be going well, both he and his wife seemed to be clean. My best friend entered a 30 day drug program and went through it, and came out ok.


    Then one day, my brother came over, and when I looked for my wallet a couple days later... I couldn't find it. It had cash, my credit card, debit card, driver's license, social security card... I didn't want to blame him as I thought maybe I misplaced it. I hadn't left my house since I had last seen my wallet, so I knew it had to either be in my house or in my brother's pocket (he was the only person who I had seen in the interrim).


    I confronted him, he got all sulky, and we cut off ties. I could not accuse him with any conviction because there was the chance my wallet was in the house; a chance, that is, until I went into the bank today and found out all my cards had been maxed out the day I reported the cards stolen (the bureaucracy was a little too slow and whoever took my wallet used my cards first). So, now I find myself sunk backinto debt I've spent half a year trying to get out of, and praying that the bank will give me my money back.


    Well, I don't know if anyone cares about this story anymore, but here is the next chapter. A happy ending doesn't seem to be at the end of this dark tunnel. I am currently deciding whether to call the police or not (I mean, how many times do I let him steal from me before I fight back? That's the question I'm dealing with).


    Thanks for your time.
     
  11. trident.

    trident. Newbie

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    Heroin is Shit. I've never done it and I have no intentions but I've seen what it can do and you all obviously are also aware. I'm just posting this because my uncle just got arrested again last week for trying to rob a bank (how retarded is that). He has two awesome kids who he obviously loves but now he can't see them because he's in jail again. He's been in and out of detox and rehab for years and just can't beat it. He has the support of my whole family, we're all there to provide him with a place to stay if he needs it, work when he'll take it, but heroin always points him in the same direction.


    The love of himself nor the love of his kids can beat the addiction and it pains me to think about how his kids feel (8 and 13)... i'm somewhat close to the 13 year old [we live far away but msn eachother] and already his MSN names are "getting so wasted this weekend" and his display pictures are pot leafs.. i wonder, is heroin addiction hereditary? i'm unclear of his drug routine while conceiving his kids but i know he's been using since i was born 19 years ago... obvousily heroin is addicting for everyone but i wonder where the kids are going...





    perhaps too rhetorical of a question
     
  12. Pitnicker

    Pitnicker Newbie

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    <BLOCKQUOTE> Originally posted by Pitnicker on 26 January 2004
    <HR>



    A Footnote to this last entry: I discovered whoever stole my wallet used my debit card I was firm in my convictions. I saw my brother yesterday and asked him this: I miss hanging out with you, so if you'll tell me the truth -- what I I know to be the trurth -- we can reestablish ties. If not, if you keep wanting to say you didn't do it, maybe in a few months we can patch things up.


    To my great surprise and happiness, he admitted it was him who took the wallet and, that he had ditched it at a dumpster (where some ne'erdowell got it). It's hard to put into words how much this meant to me. He has a job now, and if he can keep it he should be able our family all the money we're owed (over a period of time)


    Something seems... different about him. He doesn't quite seem the hollow shellI spoke of in the past, could that be, underneath the sludge-like layer of apathy, ego centrism and self-hatred... could that be the man I was once proud to call brother?


    Maybe fellow addicts or recovering addict could provide some insight on this situation


    Thanks for your time.
    <HR>
    </BLOCKQUOTE>
     
  13. LostInSpace

    LostInSpace Silver Member

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    Hi Pitnicker,


    Iwish there were some words of great wisdom I could give you and your brother to ease the pain. But, there really are none.


    I had a very serious H habit years ago that lasted about 5 years. As I'm sure it is with your brother, I never intended to become a junkie, and to this day, I cannot hardly believe some of the things that I did to supply that monkey with his craving needs.


    The biggest step is not so much admitting you're a junkie, but admitting just how much you've hurt those you love by your actions.


    I was also in and out of rehabs, clinics, hospitals, but none of them worked. What finally did work was making up my mind that I was sick and tired of hurting friends and family, and I ran away for over a year, and lived in a tent out in the woods miles from any existence.


    I think for the first week and a half I never left that tent. I was so sick, and having hallucinations, and most of the time I couldn't muster up enough strength to even roll over.


    Enough about that, back to your brother...


    I think one of the best and worst things that can happen to a junkie is that their friends and family back off of the support. By support, I DO NOT MEAN LOVE. I mean, money handouts, molly-codling, giving them a place to live, paying their rent, what ever..


    It's usually the best thing for the junkie, because he or she must now own up and handle everything for themselves. Which by the way they can't, and this leads to rock bottom fast.


    It's really, really bad for the family because it rips your heart out.


    But I am telling you these things not as a side line know-it-all, but as an H addict that learned the hard way.


    The only advice that I will give anyone are family members, and that advice is hard love. If you do not understand what hard love is, than I would kindly suggest finding a support group in your area with other people and families who are suffering like you are.


    They can teach you hard love, as well as comfort and support you.


    Will your brother ever be the same as you remember him?


    Most likely not.. He will be a much better and stronger person, because no one, and I do mean no one, walks away from H and is ever the same.


    That's all I have to offer, I hope you can find something of use for you, your family, and brother.
     
    1. 3/5,
      sharing personal experience
      Sep 11, 2010
  14. moldie

    moldie Newbie

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    As far as methadone goes it is garbage, especially if you enjoy chewing food with your teeth. Seriously, don't go on this shit unless you're absolutely going to DIE and youREALLY want to live. You will never get high again, your teeth will fall out one by one, and oh yeah, you will never get high again. Do you want to hold down a regular job? Tough luck when you have to go to the clinic every day for at leats a year before they give you any take home. You can't smoke pot or do any other drug becausethey piss test you regularly. Buprenorphine is the best chemical solution so far, I recommend looking into it. It has worked for a couple of my friends.


    Lostinspace: You did the running away into the woods miles away from everyone thing too? I've been down that road. I squatted in the redwoods around humboldt county, CA for almost 9 months. It was a refreshing experience actually. I met a lot of interesting folks out in the bush. I actually got laid for the first time when I ran into a camp of Earth First people,I was20 (kind of old, but years of dope use had made me disinterested in sex) and thisreally cute chick named Asha was all too accessible. It was fun. I would actually recommend this experience for anyone who is addicted to opiates. While I still use them myself, I don't think I could ever fall back into a state of serious addiction. I actually find myself yearning to be back out in the woods right now. It's been about 3 years and every spring I get so anxious around here that I come VERY close to just taking off again. The best thing for a junky is a little prolonged distance from all the craziness.