Hi, I am the name and I have a problem. SWIM recalls the first time he encountered it, his best friend at the time introduced him. Thats what best friends are for, right? This was 4 years ago. Since that first weekend I have dabbled off and on with a crazy C habit. When it first began I couldnt get enough. It wasn't like 'shrooms or anything crazy where you can't focus your mind - it was just the opposite. And I felt great. SWIM realized it was taking control when he started planning his weekends around it's availablilty. When he found himself hanging out more with addicts, and less with his non-using "true" friends. SWIM regrets that'd he'd even passed up doing things with his girlfriend at the time (now his wife) for doing the other thing. There have been large gaps of a few months with doing nothing. There were times were it was every weekend for a few months. The cycle continues. I have decided to quit and needs your help. I need support to break the cycle. He doesn't have that need to do it every day. It's not like that. He has a good job, a loving family and a great wife. Every reason to stop living a lie and get his shit together. He can't afford to sneak around and lie and say he has a cold/runny nose. He can't stand the depression following a session - although it can be quit enlightening. The comedowns have hit a point for SWIM that he thinks he is going to die this time. And he says a pray, promising beyond promises that this is it. He's going straight and never looking back. He wants it, somewhere deep down. But then the weeks go by and he recovers and again something sets it off...a trigger. A commercial, a song, an email. An upcoming party. Something. And it digs it hooks into my mind and he battles it. Every reason for not doing it versus how just one more time would be okay. He's young - you only live once. Bullshit. It's been winning. The bullshit has been beating SWIM and he's tired of it. He's tired of deleting numbers from his phone only to try and find them in his call log weeks later. He's tired of making empty promises to him. He needs a change. One day at a time. When you wake up you say "Today, sWIM will not do drugs today." and repeat. I have to do this. For me, for my wife, for my future. I am a happy person and this habit is slowly destroying him. Mentally and physically. my left arm sometimes goes tingly. It might be from usage, (and always using with many cigarrets and lots of beer) or it might be from typing all day on a computer. It scares SWIM. I had another session this past weekend, not a lot. But enough to bring on the depression and everything else associated with comedowns. I don't want this post to be "well I was just depressed and venting". SWIM truly want this to be the real start of a change. I know there is someone on this forum that can relate and help me. I have kept this battle to myself for so long and lived the lie so long (wife has no idea) that it's eating me apart. I am tired of the lie. End of story. Thanks for whoever has read through and can understand.