confused about addiction (very long)

Discussion in 'General Addiction discussion' started by Starlite, Jul 11, 2005.

  1. Starlite

    Starlite Newbie

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    Jun 28, 2005
    I have a very confusing story, ok here goes

    im Krissy and a little over a year ago I reconnected with a guy from my past. Everyone has told me for years he was a crack addict I didn’t believe them. well we got together at the time he had just gotten out of jail for non-payment of child support and was living with his mom everything was great for 7 months he was clean of ALL drugs even pot (he has always been a pot head) and promised me that he didn’t want the drugs again.

    Well we decided to move in together back in our home town. Well he works on a land oil rig he is gone for 10 days and home for 5. well his very first 5 days living with me on the 2nd day he had some friends come over a chick and a guy I had met before through an ex well they were talking about finding some weed I was fine with that no big deal well I go to the bath room and come out and she is on the phone telling someone hey bring some brillo also I was like what why do you need that for and my boyfriend was like baby we couldn’t get no weed so they are getting some crack. I freaked out on him bad. well they did what they wanted to do anyway I stayed in the bedroom crying he came in and asked me if I wanted to smoke some I told him I didn’t I have tried it before and it doesn’t do anything for me he called me a liar and told me fine smoke and prove it well my dumbass did we smoked right at $400 that night and I proved my point and went to bed long before they did. Ok well that was my first mistake because after that every hitch home at least 3 days of it was spent smoking crack. I smoked with him but like I said it never did much for me unlike it did for him.

    well one hitch 3 days turned into 5 and I almost od'd well that’s what he says happened all I know is we had been out for about an hour I smoked a joint and was going to go pee got half way down the hall and fell out wasn’t out for maybe 20 seconds and came to. but after that we stopped smoking crack (for the time being) well a friend came over and turned him onto ice (meth) and for like 4 hitches he was doing nothing but smoking meth which ill admit was my thing back in my younger day so I was ok with it up till he over did it and freaked out and started seeing things and accusing me of having men sneaking around the house and I thought he was stupid and I was playing him for a fool well it fried him at that point I was stupid again and told him to start smoking crack again but if he ever smoked meth again I would kill him.

    well it went on ok for a little while well he was at work and had his sister living with us at the time and his sister is a coke addict wanted me to find her some so I called his connect and had him on his way she went to the store said she would be back a little after he had come and gone well the guy didn’t bring powder only rock so I was stuck with it. Well I called a friend who I knew smoked and told her to come over and smoke it with me because it didn’t look like his sister was coming back well we had just finished the last hit and his sister came home no biggy well I explained to her what had happened. Well when he came home from work I was going to tell him what had happened but was waiting till we had a minute alone well she beat me to the punch and made it look worse than it was. He threatened to leave but I explained it to him and he seemed fine but he acted differently after than he accused me of having a problem and cheating on him and a few other things.

    well a few hitches later I had friends over one wanted some rock I was like ok fine I got him the hook up he bought $100 and we smoked it between 4 of us well one chick there started tripping out wanting more and her boyfriend was like "im getting my check tomorrow if you can loan us $100 we will get more and pay you back tomorrow and even smoke it with you" I agreed but after the fact I got scared because of what had happened the last time plus one of the guys that was there my b/f did not like or trust and he had begged me to just not tell Chad what had happened. so I didn’t tell him well a week later my b/f claimed that because of the shit his sister started his ex-wife was telling him unless he moved out of this town he wouldn’t ever see his kids well he moved back to his moms and I moved back to my moms well. I went out like once with the same friends from the last experience. And smoked a little meth and came home. And I called once and bought $100 of rock and smoked $40 of it and gave the rest away.

    Well that’s the wrong ive done. Well after being up at his moms for only 3 weeks he disappears for 3 days misses work almost looses his job when he was found he admits he was in a hotel with 3 friends smoking crack. $700 worth. Well he begged me to forgive him and said he didn’t want to go back to being strung out. Well everything was fine again for a few more weeks then we get into a little spat over him taking a chick other than me to a concert. Well then a couple weeks later he goes on a road trip to a town close by me and stays strung out on ice/meth for 4 days. Well then he breaks down and tells me that pretty much every hitch that he was at his moms he did a little ice every day.

    Well then a couple weeks ago he buys a mini van and puts it in my name because he can’t put it in his. well we get it legal and he wants to come visit friends so we did I told him no dope he said nah we cant afford it we only have enough for gas money to get him back to work and cigarette money till next payday. Well we stay at one of his friend’s house and they were trying to find some weed no biggy. Well he and a friend go to town looking for weed "be back in 20 min" well 2 hours later he comes back WIRED on crack. well I cry and bitch and he says sorry and kisses me I said ok that’s it no more he says ok well he wanted me to ride with them on the next trip and a friend of ours had to drive because I had been drinking well he climbs in the back seat with me and grabs under the seat and pulls out a coke can with a 20 rock on it and starts smoking it but I didn’t say nothing I went to the very back seat and laved down and cried. Well he kissed ass and told me it was so he could sober up from the beer so he didn’t pass out.

    well no more he swore well we went on to bed when we got back the next day I came home and he was going to use the van to go back to his moms because he had to rest up for work the following day. well the next morning he calls and didn’t go back to his moms tells me to find another babysitter he was taking me to the beach so I did I got up and found a baby sitter and tried calling him back well he wasn’t where he was supposed to be I tried to find him for 5 hours and finally the friend he was supposed to be staying with's daughter told me where he was I called and went off on him told him to get his ass to my house then I stopped and listened to his voice and asked him if he had been smoking he swore he hadn’t I called him a liar

    well finally 3 hours later he shows up to my house with the guy that I got high with twice and didn’t tell him about well I didn’t say nothing but that guy told him everything plus added to it so he was pissed and swore I was a addict and that I was a professional liar and didn’t know the truth. well we fought all night that night well we worked things out or so I thought well the nest morning he brought me back home and was headed straight to work he called me a couple hours later and said he was getting a late start could I call his job and tell the tool pusher he was going to be a little late so I did no big deal well I tried calling him at work later that night and the tool pusher tells me he never showed and probably didn’t have a job. well I called everyone we knew and cried and worried and then at 6 am the next morning he calls me and says he ended up being to tired to drive and got his friend lets call him ed to drive him and that ed was bring the van back to me. well I call ed and ed's mom tells me that ed doesn’t have the van ed's sister who is bad strung out and is to the point with it that she sleeps with anyone who will buy her a hit of meth. well I called him back at work and went off on him then he comes out and tells me that he had sex with her and it was my fault for lying to him about the smoking with "lets call him" huey and yeah she had the van but it should be on its way back to me

    well I called the cops and filed charges on her and had the cops looking for my van. well my b/f swore he couldn’t be with me because he was afraid I was going to cheat on him to get back at him then tells me he thinks I had already cheated on him well I got my van back 3 days later. it was tore up the cd player was missing my cd's were missing. it was trashed.

    well my b/f's job tells him if he didn’t go into rehab he had no job. so he does he went into rehab has been there for 11 days now well he still says he wants me to go to NA meetings and get help also which I have been clean for a month almost now on my own and I have no cravings unless I get bad stressed out. I don’t know I haven’t forgiven him for cheating but im trying to over look it and just look at the fact that he is getting help. but he still every time I call him in rehab or when I got see him or bring him cigarettes with my last bit of money he goes on and on about me being a liar and about my lie but if I bring up what he did wrong he goes well if you hadn’t lied to me blah blah blah. see that’s the thing I don’t need the drug I don’t want the drugs I don’t crave the drugs. I want him I need him and a crave him and for a long time I guess I thought to keep him I had to do the drugs with him. and now that he wants to get clean and stay clean (I hope) then I can throw the drugs to the side and never look back. that was part of my question I know im a CoD I have been most of my life but my question is am I an addict if I don’t have to have the drugs and I don’t crave them or need them. ive dabbled with the shit on and off all my life and quit a month ago and without meetings or rehab I haven’t looked back on wanting it. I even sat in a house with 6 people smoking like a train and never took not one hit actually I told them to have fun and I went on to bed. that’s where im confused he keeps telling me he can’t believe that im not addicted because of how much I had done with him. so he insists I have to be. which makes me not want to do it even move to prove it to him. I am a recovering Heroin addict ive been strong and clean for 5 years no relapses that’s why im confused about why he can’t see that hell I went through to get and stay clean of Heroin and it was like dieing and being reborn slowly and painfully. this is something I don’t even feel that way about or even think about I don’t think about crack or meth everyday I don’t sit and wander how to get more or go in debt buying it. I don’t take shit to the pawn shop for the money to get a hit none of the things I did with heroin

    I don’t know I understand I lied it was wrong it was stupid but now he thinks everything I say is a lie. I don’t know what to do I love him more than life its self. If anyone has an opinion or advice ill take every word to heart.
  2. miffy

    miffy Newbie

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    Jun 3, 2005
    Maybe you've just not done enough crack or meth to become addicted yet?
    It could be possible - some people, apparently, have a genetic
    predisposition to addiction to certain substances. You've come off
    heroin (respect!) so you know what a habit feels like. Trouble with
    crack (I've never had a meth habit, so I don't know (don't get it in my
    part of the UK )) is that when you do have a habit it can mess
    your head up to the point that you don't know what's going on. . . then
    it becomes really hard to make objective judgements. . .

    A habit doesn't have to be every day use - it can be once a week,
    whatever. Regular use is a habit of sorts. And it certainly sounds like
    you're a regular user, even if not physically addicted?

    The other thing that occurs to me is that neither of you stand much
    hope of being or staying clean when everyone around you uses. If you're
    not addicted to crack / meth now, you will be if you keep on using it,
    sooner or later. . . it sounds as though you maybe need to uproot, and
    change your environment - difficult, I know - but sometimes necessary.

    Sorry that wasn't much help - but I think if you read back through what
    you posted, you can see there's too much drug-stuff in your life for
    someone who wants to become clean. If that's really what your man wants
    to do, then don't make him chose between being clean and leaving you -
    he'd probably stay with you and the drugs, and resent both. I know I

    As I say - sorry if that wasn't much help - it's hard to know what to
    say, and I don't wanna give advice. If you knew the mess my life's in,
    you wouldn't wanna take it, anyway!
  3. Starlite

    Starlite Newbie

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    Jun 28, 2005
    actually your words help more than you know and good news is i agree with uprooting and leaving this place behind we are in the process of getting that done real soon. i am attending my NA meetings again for moral support and strength. but i thank you more than you know everyone else tells me to leave him and not look back i cant do that. and have been having a hard time with everyone telling me to. i have faith in him like i hope he will in me again. bless you and i wish you the best of love life and happiness