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Does SWIYS parents know?

Discussion in 'General Addiction discussion' started by Hardy Bucks, Mar 14, 2010.

  1. Hardy Bucks

    Hardy Bucks Silver Member

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    Does SWIYS parents know of SWIYS drug abuse and/or addiction? If yes how has it changed things and for better or worse?

    SWIMS parents know of swims drugs use and abuse. SWIM is very honest and SWIMS parents appreciate the honesty; but overall drug abuse has been detrimental to the releationship.
     
  2. Hardy Bucks

    Hardy Bucks Silver Member

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    Does SWIYS parents know of SWIYS drug abuse and/or addiction? If yes how has it changed things and for better or worse?

    SWIMS parents know of swims drugs use and abuse. SWIM is very honest and SWIMS parents appreciate the honesty; but overall drug abuse has been detrimental to the releationship.
     
  3. missparkles

    missparkles Platinum Member & Advisor Donating Member

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    Thing is love, until an addict can admit to themselves they have a problem, they can't be honest with anyone else, can they? I believe our close family (who we live with) know before we do that we have a problem. Any problem. Cos when something affects us and changes our behaviour (like substance addiction) we really think no one can tell.

    And although our behaviour may not seem to change (to us) it's usually quite evident to others that spend a lot of time with us.

    Think about it, our personality changes, our hobbies change, we become preoccupied with things (and people) that support our new lifestyle. And it's so noticeable. Sparkles spent years denying she had a problem, and when she did admit it, she could justify it...or so she thought.

    But there is no real justification for breaking the hearts of the people who love us and want the best for us is there? Sparkles spent years blaming her parents (her mum in particular) for all her problems (they were related to her childhood) it took 30+ years to realise she couldn't change it, all she could do was deal with the consequences.

    At one time her and her mum couldn't be in the same county (let alone the same town) and she really believed her mum hated her. But now, she realises that her mum did the best she could. Sparkles problems (that result from her childhood) are Sparkles problems, and only she can deal with it. But it was convenient to blame her mum, cos that meant it wasn't her fault that she was an addict.

    No, that was BS, and she sees this now.

    Sparkles has shared a house with her mum for the last 15 years, and like Hardy, her mum has become her biggest supporter. You see she could see the pain Sparkles was in, but till Sparkles admitted there was a problem, her mum couldn't help her. Now if she has any problems her mum is the first person she talks to. But usually her mum will mention it first, cos she knows Sparkles so well that she offten sees a problem as it arises.

    Never forget, your parents will always notice that something is wrong. Although they may not know quite what it is, they'll know there's something that's changed. After all, they've known you all your life, so even small changes are so noticeable. But then you'd notice if there was something bothering them...wouldn't you? And usually they'll try to help. They may get it wrong, but they're motives are (mostly) good.

    And since having my own kids I've realised that being a parent is not about being right, or even getting it right (cos no one does) it's about doing the best you can for your kids. And sometimes you get it wrong. This has been the best thing Sparkles could learn. Now she can see both sides of this contentious debate.

    So yeah, I'd say get your parents on side, cos they will be your greatest ally in your fight against any life problems (including addiction). Just remember, they're human too, and not always right, but they do mean well. :)

    Sparkles.:vibes:
     
  4. Pieces Mended

    Pieces Mended Silver Member

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    When SWIM was having serious issues with cocaine, he decided he wasn't telling his parents unless it came down to needing in-patient treatment to quit. He was too well aware that they would blame themselves and that it would cause more stress for SWIM, and probably want him to escape via drugs even more.

    If you're a "good kid" it's amazingly easy to hide even a heavy coke problem while living at home. Denial is strong with most parents and cocaine is the LAST thing they would imagine.

    Whether or not you tell them can only be decided by you, based on your relationship. Thankfully SWIM overcame it by himself without help from another soul and is now years sober.
     
  5. Suboxer

    Suboxer Silver Member

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    My living parent knows of my former heroin addiction, and knows I'm on indefinite maintenance. Probably also suspects I'm still using, a "no-good dirty junky", even though, except for one two or three-day relapse two weeks after I started the program, I haven't had so much as a puff of a blunt in over a year. In that time, I may have had six or seven beers on four or five different occasions (one or two beers per occasion..), and a bottle of Moet et Chandon Nectar Imperial Rose and a bottle of Veuve Clicquot Yellow Label on New Years, shared between four people.

    It really doesn't make that much of a difference. We had a shitty relationship before, and a shitty relationship now. It's not got any better or worse. But unlike my intuition of many people on here, I moved out long ago.
     
  6. Pieces Mended

    Pieces Mended Silver Member

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    The quality and equality of the preexisting relationship is what makes a huge difference. SWIM had already moved out, developed the habit, then moved home for a couple months while looking for a new apartment. SWIM thinks he actually was worse at home, because he felt the urge to get all his useage out of the way when SWIMs parents slept- so he would binge from 10pm to 7am.
     
  7. missparkles

    missparkles Platinum Member & Advisor Donating Member

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    People say they have a bad relationship with their parents, but when the shit hits the fan, it's where we all run to isn't it?;)

    Sparkles.:vibes:
     
  8. nate81

    nate81 Titanium Member

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    SWIMs parents prefer to live in a fantasy realm of puppy dogs and rainbows so he lets them live there. They don't seem to even realize they'll never get to know their real son. They see melatonin use or a beer in the evenings as too much however so there's really not a whole lot SWIM could do. If he told them, they would never leave him alone lol.
     
  9. Jatelka

    Jatelka Psychedelic Shepherdess Platinum Member & Advisor

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    "Don't ask, don't tell"
     
  10. Burgersoft777

    Burgersoft777 Silver Member

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    Fishy mother used to smoke pot and was on Valium for decades, so for the most part the parents were cool about drugs. Fishy's dad, daddy would sit up with fishys friends and chat whilst they smoked. He would not try it himself but believed that he got high from the smoke in the air. Although they were worried when Fishy admitted to being addicted to codeine, they were relived that it wasn't something worse. Daddy would often go into the chemist to get Codeine linctus for fishy. They did not approve of LSD and disliked mushrooms, daddy called then sillysimon mushrooms. For a number of years fishys parents house was a good place to chill out in the middle of nowhere, and they had many visitors who were drug users. Daddy had been addicted to nasal inhalers when they contained a stimulant, and also had gotten into a mess with alcohol when he was a young man. Maybe this explains their attitude, or maybe it was down to them being young adults in the 1960's. All good things come to an end, and eventually Fishy grew up and moved away to live with wifey and raise fry. Daddy is dead now, smoking ciggys damaged his heart, Mum lives not far from Fishy and is a rather eccentric old lady. Fishy gave up smoking ciggys when he saw the state his beloved daddy had gotten into. Mum had a simply horrid time coming off of valium, but fair play to her she eventually made it. Fishy thinks he had good parents but maybe some would disagree.


    Other than when Fishy was pinching mums valium ,or screwed up on a bad trip drugs have had little impact on his-her relationship with his late daddy and he-she gets on well with his mummy. There were times when they were worried about Fishy. When Wifey got ill after to many trips they were very supportive of both of them.
     
    Last edited: Mar 14, 2010
  11. psyloid.menace

    psyloid.menace Newbie

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    SWIMDad brought up Albert's death at the dinner table a few days after it happened, he told SWIM that he took "acid" once but it was so beautiful, he thought if he did it again, he'd be lost in it. SWIM used this opportunity to discuss his own journeys which helped SWIMDad's girlfriend to see the light on the whole drug law issue.

    SWIM was keeping his mother in the dark on this issue, but when he sees her again he will certainly bring it up, it's something that has most surely bettered SWIM, and now that SWIM can form a coherent debate on the topic, can't wait for it to come up.
     
  12. themidnighttoker

    themidnighttoker Newbie

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    This is where SWIM stands as well. Unfortunately SWIM has trouble taking it when his father talks about how evil drugs are and how they destroy lives. SWIM's dad is very passionate about hating drugs; probably due to his profession. This is why it's ironic that his own son uses them.

    SWIM would like to tell his parents someday, probably his mother first, and try to show them the real differences between drug use and drug abuse, as SWIM is not *currently* an addict, due to responsible restraint. Hopefully if SWIM makes a good enough case for the subject he can bring it up, but SWIM will probably not attempt this until he moves out, lest his parents lose their trust in him and become even more protective of him.
     
  13. Piglet

    Piglet Titanium Member

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    They know I blew a lab up, does it get WORSE?
     
  14. chilliker

    chilliker Silver Member

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    SWIM just smokes cannabis that his parents knows of and that is enough to make them go frantic about him having a drug problem. They wont let him live, they think everything SWIM does is because of cannabis and that he should go to a rehab center.
     
  15. liarliar

    liarliar Newbie

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    That's an issue for a lot of people.

    Swim first tried drugs with her father, as he was feeling in a party mode and mostly wanted to see what effect they'd have on swim :) A bit of a cruel experiment in retrospect.

    For the most part, father is informed of use, but not of the abuse. He only knows about the regular weed smoking and some of the ketamine use, yet he is unaware and would be furious if he knew how regular it has become (though swim is in the process of cutting down).
    Swim's father is mostly midly critical, but lets swim live her own life, as long as she doesn't slip into a self-destructive cycle - e.g. keep up with education, have stable finances, etc. If he notices any of that changing he would stage a hardcore intervention.

    Swim's mother on the other hand, is completely ignorant and will remain that way as long as possible, as she has had a friend die from an overdose at a very young age, alcoholic friends and similar experiences, which have scared her for life. As another person mentioned "SWIMs parents prefer to live in a fantasy realm of puppy dogs and rainbows so he lets them live there." - this is mostly the case for her.

    Do the swiy's here live with their parents or alone?
    Swim thinks a lot of factors need to be considered when discussing use with parents - 1. Their own experiences and attitudes, 2. The type of drug and risks associated, 3. Age, education, occupation and personal achievements/failures of the user, 4. Social environment, class, location.

    Sometimes a don't ask, don't tell attitude is best, particularly if the drug use isn't causing any problems. Parents always want the best for their children, but unfortunately a lot of the time refuse to understand that their children aren't just an extension of their own image, but entirely different people who need to make their own mistakes in order to learn from them, and that the effects of the same action can be different for different people.
     
  16. beena

    beena Palladium Member

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    SWIM started using crack ten years ago. She's not sure how long afterwards it was that her Mum became aware, but it was at least a year into quite a heavy addiction. SWIM had begun to really struggle with it. She was a year into a degree course at uni but had virtually stopped going. Her life revolved around getting up, getting money for drugs and getting high, then bed and start again the next day.
    SWIM was living in London (where she still lives) and her parents were across the English Channel in Jersey, so they weren't having any face to face contact at the time. SWIM's Mum must've figured it out just from phone-calls (mother's intuition SWIM guesses).
    Anyway, one day SWIM's Mum was on the phone to her and started talking about a magazine article she'd been reading - asking SWIM if she'd seen it. The article was about a young girl dying from a heroin overdose, written from the parent's perspective. A photo of her death was being bandied about in the media relentlessly at the time. It was of this girl sitting kneeling on the floor, hunched over, dead, with a needle sticking out of her arm. The parents had released the photo to warn others about the dangers and horrors of heroin.
    SWIM's Mum suddenly blurted out "are you using heroin?"
    "Er ... no" SWIM replied hesitantly (well she wasn't, it was crack that was her DOC). SWIM thought "it's now or never". Her Mum had given her the perfect opportunity to speak and tell all so SWIM did.
    "I'm not on heroin Mum ... but there's something else. I'm addicted to crack".

    SWIM will never forget that conversation and those words she uttered. She can't actually remember exactly what followed: the particulars of the conversation but she remembers the awkwardness, embarrassment and shame felt on her side and the disappointment, sadness and confusion on her mothers.
    At first SWIM thinks her Mother might've been slightly relieved: that it wasn't heroin. She hadn't heard of crack before. "Was it as bad as heroin?" she wanted to know, optimistically. Other questions followed of course. One thing SWIM has never been able to get used too is explaining drugs to her parents and answering questions like "how do you take it?" "what does it do to you / how does it make you feel?" "how much does it cost?" "how much do you use?" "how often do you use?" "how do you pay for it?" (ie how do you fund your habit), etc.
    SWIM tried to focus on the positive: it wasn't physically addictive and she wasn't injecting it. It doesn't really matter what you tell your parents though, once they know you're an addict they'll soon find out for themselves. It must be horrible being the parent of an addict, loving and caring for the child you brought into the world and seeing them absorbed into a world that you know so little about, only that it could kill your offspring.
    And the worst part is once they know it actually lets you off the hook somewhat. You've got an excuse for being a fuck-up. You stop trying to conceal the addiction and bit by bit they get to really see the ugly truth about your tawdry little life.

    SWIM has treated her parents shamefully truth be told. It was never intentional of course. In fact by trying to protect them she's probably done more lasting harm than good. You see they let her and her boyfriend stay with them for 6 months - to get clean together. As soon as they returned to London however they relapsed. But for a while SWIM tried to keep up the facade of being a 'recovering addict'. It was a lie and worse than that it was an unmaintainable lie. The truth came out. Again they took SWIM in and again SWIM let them down. This has been the pattern for ten years. Worse still is that SWIM actually did become a heroin addict. That was hard for them to swallow. "How could she be so stupid?" After everything she'd been through ... after everything she'd put them through ...
    They even begged her to think of them - "was she doing it to hurt them?" SWIM was gutted: they were the two people she least wanted to hurt in the world. It wasn't supposed to be like this. She should be making them proud, looking after them, giving them grandchildren ...

    These days SWIM is truthful with them: she owes them that much at least. It's a horrible situation. She can see that their hopes for her have faded somewhat and their belief in her has been shaken to the core. They take her statements of intent to get off drugs with a pinch of salt. Who can blame them?
    SWIM is so sorry she let them down. The had to know though. There's only so long you can keep your loved ones in the dark. The truth hurts, but sometimes it just has to be told.
     
  17. Hardy Bucks

    Hardy Bucks Silver Member

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    Seldom does the addict realise the hurt caused to the people around them - ignorance is bliss - the biggest lie
     
  18. godztear

    godztear Silver Member

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    SWIMs mother never even tried drugs. SWIMs mother knows he indulges from time to time and although she doesn't approve she knows that SWIM is an adult and will make his own decisions.

    It was a long hard road before SWIM reached this point in his motherly relationship.
     
  19. beena

    beena Palladium Member

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    SWIM does get frustrated at times with her parents ignorance regarding drugs, and she sometimes has to check herself by remembering that it's not their fault and that she's introduced them to a world that is so far removed from their day to day life and one they could've probably done without becoming familiar with.

    It is aggravating though and hard to take when SWIM's Mum says things like "if you loved us you'd stop" and "why can't you stop for me?"
    SWIM can explain all day long about what crack or heroin is, how you take it, how much it costs, what it does to her, etc, but it's virtually impossible to explain to someone who's never experienced anything like it themselves what it is to be addicted to something, how addiction takes over everything and why it's so hard to break free.
    What SWIM's Mum really finds hard to understand is why, when she's been clean for a period of time, SWIM can't seem to stay clean: why does she keep relapsing?

    Another grey area is the funding of SWIM's habit. SWIM has hinted to them that she's spent several hundred pounds a time on drugs but has failed to tell them how she gets the money for that.
    One time SWIM asked to borrow twenty quid from her Mum and her Mum started to say "no" cos she didn't want it to go on drugs and SWIM sneered "how much drugs do you actually think I could buy with that?" It wasn't one of SWIM's finest moments ...
    Anyway, SWIM wonders if perhaps that's just one thing too far and maybe they would just rather be in the dark. They must realise that her dole money doesn't cover the costs of the drugs, but perhaps they'd rather just not thing about it.
     
  20. Suboxer

    Suboxer Silver Member

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    ..and many addicts could give a fuck less about the "hurt" they inflict on anyone as long as they can get their fix.

    And they shouldn't care. It's not the addict's problem. It's the problem of the person who placed their concept of happiness within the person who is an addict ("vicarious happiness", to wit), instead of pursuing it for themselves: in this case, the parents of the addict. Read on:

    "Emotional damage" is a far cry from robbing or beating the mick out of another. "Emotional damage", as laughable as the very concept is... if you accept the concept itself, you must also realize the "emotional damage" the addict causes himself is far worse than that which anyone around him must endure.

    Ayn Rand's writings, with a little adaptation, cover this entire concept very well.

    It is not anyone's right to inflict harm upon another in pursuit of one's own happiness, or to interfere with another's pursuit of happiness in pursuit of one's own.

    ...But if my actions, that affect only me, interfere with another's pursuit of happiness, the fault is not mine, it is the other's: for they have based their pursuit of happiness upon what they would wish of me, instead of what they would wish of themselves, regardless of whether it is my pursuit of happiness. Thus, they themselves have interfered with their pursuit of happiness - I have not.

    Freedom is paramount. To abdicate freedom so that another, who has placed their own pursuit of happiness falsely in me, can fulfill their own pursuit, at the cost of my own pursuit, is to take a step down the road of abrogation of free will, just as the other has done by placing their happiness in me in the first place, instead of retaining it to themselves to exercise freely.

    The concept is easily understood through metaphor involving another relationship-type: that of the Romantic relationship. If you give your "heart" to another, and the other decides to end the relationship, your sadness is not their fault; it is the fault of no one. It is the result of two free-wills acting freely in their own pursuit of happiness, which is not always a common goal. Many times, it is a mutually exclusive one.

    Note: this above argument deals with the so-called "hurt" inflicted on people close to an addict by the very state of being an addict: if you add thievery or physical violence, you are directly interfering with another's pursuit of happiness, and thus the argument is void.