Ego death, then diminishing returns...

Discussion in 'Magic Mushrooms (Psilocybe & Amanita)' started by mclane99, Aug 27, 2019.

  1. mclane99

    mclane99 Newbie

    Reputation Points:
    0
    Messages:
    3
    Joined:
    Aug 27, 2019
    48 y/o from Canada
    This year, in my 40's, I decided to try psilocybin mushrooms. I lead a fairly healthy lifestyle, and am a moderate drinker/cannabis user. I'm very introspective, seeking growth while working out old issues.

    My first time was in February. I believe it was around 1.6 grams (lemon trek). I didn't know what to expect, but mostly felt high and happy (no real visual component).

    The next time was around a month later, and it was 2.8 (I think). I expected to feel the same but a little more. Instead, I had what felt like the most eye-opening, life-changing, universal oneness experience that I could NEVER even imagined...

    The night began the same (I did this at home) with a similar nice feeling, then visuals kicked in which was new for me (pictures and patterns moving/swirling). Then, for some reason, I felt compelled to spend time in the bathroom, looking at the mirror. It was like I had never seen myself before. Soon, I felt my identity, life experiences and interests were unimportant. For about 40 minutes straight, I saw beyond my own existence and felt like I had seen through the illusion of every day life and all of its insignificant concerns. This feeling and insight rose and peaked until I felt a rush and a wild sensation - like I saw through all of time and space and how we're all connected.

    I did NOT expect any of that. I had to research what I experienced which I thought was unique. It was ego death.

    In the following days, there was a definite change to my personality, witnessed by my wife and certainly felt by me. I had lost my fear of death, I didn't speak as much, I had no interest in social media, and even more so, felt complacent to let go of a long term, highly passionate career goal. It was no longer important if I ever achieved it. I understood (in the most humbling way), that it ultimately didn't matter. I felt a liberation and internal confidence like I had NEVER experienced and never wanted to lose.

    As the days went by, this feeling began to slide as I felt the pull of day-to-day reality and familiar silly concerns closing in. I began to mourn the loss of this most incredible feeling and harmony that I had ever had.

    The following month, I went to 3 grams. It was a decent trip, but didn't quite reach same high climax. I did feel great again the next day however (again, in a state of 'nothing matters'), but it was very short lived. I started to meditate, which helped somewhat, but hasn't been habit forming.

    4-5 weeks later, I went to 3.2 grams. This experience had the same visuals, but even less of a personal impact. I felt disappointed during the trip, as I knew I was not reaching that same point. All I wanted was to return to that point of complete liberation post trip and have it take over my approach to life.

    Another month or so later, I had experienced several personal setbacks. Mostly career/financial and desired opportunities that were slowly falling apart. In short, I was becoming depressed by circumstance. I had an opportunity to do a tab of LSD at this time and took it. I ended up having an incredible day, mostly listening to music, jamming on my guitar, and watching the clouds roll by. I had similar visuals as the shrooms and some nice introspection/universal connection, but mostly just felt goose-bump happy for hours. No ego death.

    In the following days, life caught up all over again. My work opportunities hadn't improved, and depression was slowly moving in, although I didn't want to admit it.

    This last weekend, I went camping and did 3.4 grams (I know the size isn't going up leaps, but it's all I've had access to). I got the same visuals, some introspection/universal connection again, but mostly felt bad. I was finding mistakes in myself. Not from a point of love, but hard criticism. The next day, I felt like I usually do. Back to the same concerns. Nothing had changed.

    Having said all this, I'm just wondering if anyone had a similar experience with shrooms - ego death, feelings of confidence and universal understanding, followed by diminishing returns?

    I think because I had such an intense experience early on, that lasted for days, I've felt I could 'get back' there with the right 'trip' and perhaps create a permanent new outlook in life. I've realized now that I'm trying to chase that. I suppose nothing is that simple. I know I should meditate more and also concentrate on the lessons/insights I experienced from psychedelics that remain clear to me.

    Any helpful insight or related experience would be appreciated.
     
  2. jazzyj9

    jazzyj9 Titanium Member Donating Member

    Reputation Points:
    2,210
    Messages:
    1,359
    Joined:
    Sep 30, 2012
    from U.S.A.
    I’ve had some amazing shroom trips and a great acid trip too. My first mushroom trip was the best. I think that psychedelics are a door to another way of thinking but that other methods of sustaining the state of consciousness are required. Meditation for example.

    Additionally you may need a higher dose or something stronger for “ego death “. But be careful make sure it is the right time and place. I also don’t think “ego death “ is necessary for benefits of psychedelics. In fact in order to function in society we need our ego. Might as well make peace with it and use it to do good rather than dispense with it which is not realistic for day to day life.
     
  3. TheBigBadWolf

    TheBigBadWolf Chicxulub Impactor Gold Member Donating Member

    Reputation Points:
    15,427
    Messages:
    8,677
    Joined:
    Apr 11, 2010
    from Germany
    there is your own insight.
    every possible experience of self-influencing by psychedelics needs to be transcended into everyday's life.
    A good way to remind the mind of the experience is meditation.

    Not even the holiest most spiritual person is enlightened all of the time. Meditation, trance, chanting, all that jive.

    Psychedelics are the map to learn navigating from.
    BBW
     
  4. mclane99

    mclane99 Newbie

    Reputation Points:
    0
    Messages:
    3
    Joined:
    Aug 27, 2019
    48 y/o from Canada
    Thanks for the replies. Will process further.
     
  5. mclane99

    mclane99 Newbie

    Reputation Points:
    0
    Messages:
    3
    Joined:
    Aug 27, 2019
    48 y/o from Canada
    UPDATE: Since my last post, I have slowly begun to experience the same 'liberated' sensation that I have desperately been trying to return to (as in the days following my life-changing ego death mentioned above). This week, through previous insights, I have begun to realize how crazy active my mind always is. It is NEVER 'present'. If my mind is not problem solving or worrying about something, it's fantasizing, or playing a song, or thinking about some trivia. Or worse, it's being too judgemental, or having fake arguments with someone. The point is, I've realized how constantly occupied my mind always is.

    For whatever reason though, I have found it progressively easier this week to shut down my running brain dialogue (normally quite impossible). I've somehow been going about my day feeling like every moment as new (even in routine). As a result, I had two interesting situations that demonstrated presentness. The first was a few days ago. On my way to work, I had parked at a store. As I came out, I watched someone back their truck into my car with their trailer hitch denting my front bumper. While this was a very unexpected inconvenience (knowing I'd be late for work, and now had to deal with the driver, make an insurance claim, go to a mechanic, etc), I instead found that I had no real emotion about. I wasn't emotionless like a zombie, but instead, I understood that the accident was already over (hence, in the past). All I could do in the present moment was to exchange info. It all worked out fine.

    The second situation was the opposite of an accident.

    I mentioned earlier that my financial situation and career had some very unexpected setbacks this year. As a result, for the past month or so, I have found myself employed very outside of my established career doing mindless work. I would have previously felt quite humiliated by this. Instead, I have embraced the change, seeing it as a teachable moment, while also feeling grateful to make a few dollars and working with some pretty nice people. And it's worked out well.

    So the day after my fender bender, I had a random exchange with a contact for me to be involved in a green-lit, high-paying project in the career field that I've been actively chasing (mentioned above). But like the accident, I found that while I would certainly love the opportunity, my inner response was trying to be neutral. I provided all the relevant information and expressed my keen interest, but realized that the final decision is very much out of my hands. Normally I'd be thinking enthusiastic thoughts about the possibilities (living in the future), or replaying what I said in our correspondence, or should have said ('the 'past'). Instead, I found myself being present and practicing neutrality: Maybe it'll happen. Maybe it won't. Life is 'change'. Every single moment is change. You can't control it. You can only confront each moment as it happens. The only thing that exists.

    LASTLY, I should have also mentioned in my original post... A couple of the many insights I had following the ego death experience, resulted in addictive bad habits/patterns of thought (along the lines of quitting smoking) that have not returned in the 7 months since my ego death experience.

    I'm slowly feeling myself changing. Who I am, how I want to live, and how I view the world, this universe, and my place in it. This is existential. It's vastly different than the way I've been running and viewing my reality my entire life. As this new consciousness rises, the pending change feels a little scary at times, because my 'ego' recognizes that I may not return to the person I was if I continue delving deeper into this psyche. My ego fear sthat it's losing, and as a result, is trying to create this anxiety with thoughts like, "How can I be me, if I'm no longer the things I've always associated myself with or always presented myself to the world as?"

    But in confronting that anxiety, my 'insight' knows it's offering a better path longterm. Even if it means that I end up doing mindless work forever, I know that as long as I can put food on the table, I just may be content in life. Because my previous existence has mostly only offered desire, regret, envy, vanity, impatience, concern about how I'm perceived - and ultimately, dissatisfaction. Happiness, it seems, has mostly been brief moments, while the remaining time is spent caught up in the constant noise of my mind/ego.

    I know this new outlook will require work, including meditation and mindfulness, but this change is beginning to feel exponential. It's so very different. It'll be quite interesting to see where it goes from here...