This year, in my 40's, I decided to try psilocybin mushrooms. I lead a fairly healthy lifestyle, and am a moderate drinker/cannabis user. I'm very introspective, seeking growth while working out old issues. My first time was in February. I believe it was around 1.6 grams (lemon trek). I didn't know what to expect, but mostly felt high and happy (no real visual component). The next time was around a month later, and it was 2.8 (I think). I expected to feel the same but a little more. Instead, I had what felt like the most eye-opening, life-changing, universal oneness experience that I could NEVER even imagined... The night began the same (I did this at home) with a similar nice feeling, then visuals kicked in which was new for me (pictures and patterns moving/swirling). Then, for some reason, I felt compelled to spend time in the bathroom, looking at the mirror. It was like I had never seen myself before. Soon, I felt my identity, life experiences and interests were unimportant. For about 40 minutes straight, I saw beyond my own existence and felt like I had seen through the illusion of every day life and all of its insignificant concerns. This feeling and insight rose and peaked until I felt a rush and a wild sensation - like I saw through all of time and space and how we're all connected. I did NOT expect any of that. I had to research what I experienced which I thought was unique. It was ego death. In the following days, there was a definite change to my personality, witnessed by my wife and certainly felt by me. I had lost my fear of death, I didn't speak as much, I had no interest in social media, and even more so, felt complacent to let go of a long term, highly passionate career goal. It was no longer important if I ever achieved it. I understood (in the most humbling way), that it ultimately didn't matter. I felt a liberation and internal confidence like I had NEVER experienced and never wanted to lose. As the days went by, this feeling began to slide as I felt the pull of day-to-day reality and familiar silly concerns closing in. I began to mourn the loss of this most incredible feeling and harmony that I had ever had. The following month, I went to 3 grams. It was a decent trip, but didn't quite reach same high climax. I did feel great again the next day however (again, in a state of 'nothing matters'), but it was very short lived. I started to meditate, which helped somewhat, but hasn't been habit forming. 4-5 weeks later, I went to 3.2 grams. This experience had the same visuals, but even less of a personal impact. I felt disappointed during the trip, as I knew I was not reaching that same point. All I wanted was to return to that point of complete liberation post trip and have it take over my approach to life. Another month or so later, I had experienced several personal setbacks. Mostly career/financial and desired opportunities that were slowly falling apart. In short, I was becoming depressed by circumstance. I had an opportunity to do a tab of LSD at this time and took it. I ended up having an incredible day, mostly listening to music, jamming on my guitar, and watching the clouds roll by. I had similar visuals as the shrooms and some nice introspection/universal connection, but mostly just felt goose-bump happy for hours. No ego death. In the following days, life caught up all over again. My work opportunities hadn't improved, and depression was slowly moving in, although I didn't want to admit it. This last weekend, I went camping and did 3.4 grams (I know the size isn't going up leaps, but it's all I've had access to). I got the same visuals, some introspection/universal connection again, but mostly felt bad. I was finding mistakes in myself. Not from a point of love, but hard criticism. The next day, I felt like I usually do. Back to the same concerns. Nothing had changed. Having said all this, I'm just wondering if anyone had a similar experience with shrooms - ego death, feelings of confidence and universal understanding, followed by diminishing returns? I think because I had such an intense experience early on, that lasted for days, I've felt I could 'get back' there with the right 'trip' and perhaps create a permanent new outlook in life. I've realized now that I'm trying to chase that. I suppose nothing is that simple. I know I should meditate more and also concentrate on the lessons/insights I experienced from psychedelics that remain clear to me. Any helpful insight or related experience would be appreciated.