Experience Report - First time use of psilocybe mushrooms: to battle depression and addiction

Discussion in 'Magic Mushrooms (Psilocybe & Amanita)' started by EternalEmbrace, Apr 6, 2019.

  1. EternalEmbrace

    EternalEmbrace Silver Member

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    Hi there. Before I share my trip report, let me share a little of my life story first if you don't mind...

    I have mostly been posting on Opiates sections throughout these years. That is, because I have developed a nasty addiction through the last 10 years - mostly due to the fact that I'm allergic to NSAIDs. I can only take opiates for pain (and I do suffer from more than one kind of pain), so I have unlimited access to them, and the cycle of abuse goes on... Tramadol, Codeine, Oxycodone, Methadone, and now Morphine...
    I'm done with it. I want an alternative therapy for pain and want to be free from them once and for all.

    Also, I've been diagnosed with many "mental disorders" throughout my life. Depression, bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder... But my depression, rage problems and lack of self-love is my main issue.

    With all of that said, those 2 reasons above (contained in those 2 paragraphs) are the main reasons that led me to try Psilocybe Cubensis. I'm not going to lie and say I didn't get excited to get the cool hallucinations, but this is nothing compared to the way out out depression and addiction.

    Day of the trip.

    18:00 I took 2g of dried mushroom powder. Started reading on the internet how much time it would take for it to kick in. First sources said 15-60 min. So I decided to take a walk with my dog before the possibility of it kicking in at 15 minutes...
    I came back and talked with my mother (my trip-sitter). Explained to her how long the trip was probably going to be etc. And said that it would all be okay, that I would meditate, light an incense, listen to music and that with the right set and setting there was no possibility of a bad trip (she witnessed me in a marijuana bad trip in the past). So I went back to my bedroom.

    19:00 As time passed, I kept reading about the onset of mushrooms and mushrooms overall (trip guides etc.) and kept telling me to "keep calm, it's coming". In the last 30 minutes I started to feel my body a little heavy and started to think "are these the effects?". "Are 2g this weak?". Then I decided to close my eyes and meditate for some 10 minutes. There was a slightly nice "body high" and something that I don't know if were slight closed eyed visuals or just my imagination, but, hell, even when meditating without mushrooms I can get a better "body high". So again I thought "Is this all?". Then I found another source on the internet saying that mushrooms could take up to 2 hours to kick in. I was relieved. With the capsules, I put on an extra 30 minutes, so I guessed "with my 'metabolism' and with the capsules, let's wait 2:30 hours".

    20:00 With a somewhat heavy body, I decided to lie down in the dark to see what happened. Sometimes with eyes closed, sometimes with eyes open... Nothing remarkable. Until... I took a deep breath. That breath seemed to go very, very, very deep. It was "asking" me: - "let me in". I then allowed the breath to come in very deeply and I knew it: the effect was finally on. After more than 2 hours, but whatever, it was on. It was just the beginning of a beautiful journey. I let myself take more of those breaths and drown in the bed for some time... A great experience. But I decided it was enough.

    21:00 I went to the computer quickly to search if you could eat while on mushrooms, because I was hungry. People reported great experiences, so I went to the kitchen, grabbed some chicken McNuggets, made a cold coffe/chocolate/milk/ice shake, and went back to the computer. I started to have conversations with people in an online forum (about depression) and started telling people that I loved them, while I ate and drank. It felt good and very emotionally satisfying. It came to a point, however, that my legs became cold and that I started to get uncontrollable waves of pleasure through the body. I never experienced such physical pleasure before. But it was not hedonistic, it was a mixture of physical-emotional pleasure. Not so easy to describe.

    I noticed that my hands, as I was smoking cigarettes, were moving too slow. So it was best to lay down and listen to music for the rest of the night. I went out of the bedroom, said to my mother that she could sleep because I didn't know anymore when my trip was going to end (given the fact that it started very late). I said it has been very good to me so far and she had no reasons to be worried. I said goodnight to her and went back to the bedroom.

    22:00 The best part of the trip starts here. I don't remember so much detail so this will be shorter. I made a playlist consisting most of mellow electropop, light techno songs, all with female vocalists. It worked great for me. First, the physical pleasure came back and I started to drown in the bed etc. Then the hallucinations, the emotions, the insights, started to come.

    Most of my actual hallucinations were with eyes closed (and they were so intense that sometimes I feared "not coming back" from that dream world). Machinery, colours (so vivid neon colours I can't describe how beautiful they were) etc. Some hallucinations happened with eyes opened as well - some shapes and colours - but only at the height of the mushroom's effect.

    But the most important part of everything about this trip were the insights. There were a couple of moments which brought me to tears... The first moment was when the song "Night of Light" by Miss Kittin was playing. I felt like the lyrics were "me speaking to me". When she sang/whispered "You are my light in the night and I pray for you", I was brought to tears. Of course you won't know what this means without me explaining, but I'll just say it meant that I must love myself. It was me talking to myself in a reassuring and comforting way, with a message of self-love and self-respect - I have been doing self-harm all my life.There was another insight with another song, but it was less clear and I won't go into detail.

    This is where the trip took another turn for me: it changed my life for good.

    23:45 - 1:30 From this time on, I started to go to the bathroom (to take a pee) very often, the hallucinations started to wear off, I had to add other (not so adequate) songs to the playlist, no more insights... The trip was not the same. When I saw that I was just trying to extract hallucinations and pleasure from the trip, and was not getting anything "real" from it anymore, I waited for the effects to wear off more, and decided it was over. Got up, took a shower, spent some 20-30 minutes on the PC enjoying a nice feeling of "clear-headedness", and went to sleep.

    That is the end of the trip.


    Now, 1 and a half day after it, I have decided to quit opiates for good. I haven't used morphine for 5 days. I may get withdrawals, but who cares. I endured a day-long headache and leg pain yesterday without resorting to opiates. I have yet to find the alternative medicine, but I will only put opiates in my mouth in an extreme case. It's a matter of self-love, as I've learned in the trip.

    As for the depression, I feel like I'm slowly starting to get up too. But it's a slower process and will take more doses of psilocybin.

    Edit.: I am weeping (of good emotions) all the time and it will take some time to recover before the next journey... Any suggestions of a recovery time are welcome.

    Thank you for reading (if anyone actually did...)!
     
    Last edited: Apr 6, 2019
  2. Supra025

    Supra025 Newbie

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    That was an awesome read and good for you that you found peace, happiness and self-love. Those things are very important!