How to help my child's father addicted to prescriptions and meth

Discussion in 'Family & friends' started by SadBabyMomma, Aug 22, 2018.

  1. ladywolf2012

    ladywolf2012 Got diamonds in the soles of my shoes! Palladium Member Donating Member

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    Honey, is there a shelter for battered women in your town? Even though he hasn't exactly battered you (or maybe he has?), it sounds like you are just not getting this. You cannot be with this man! You need to be in a safe place, and that would be AWAY FROM HIM. You need to be in a place where people understand the issues and can really help you. At the very least, you are being emotionally and verbally battered, and I wouldn't be surprised if he just went ballistic at some point and really started slamming you and your child around.

    You MUST get away from him. That's your program now. There is NO looking back to when it was lovely and it worked. He has become so toxic that he is evil. Yes, maybe it is not entirely his fault, but the fault of the drugs in part. But he has chosen the drugs over being a rational human being.

    I had a private practice in psychotherapy for twenty years. Many, many of my clients were battered women with severe childhood abuse in their histories. I don't know what your childhood story is, and in some ways it doesn't matter right now. You just need to get away from him. If you don't, you will be jeopardizing your child and your unborn child, and you will be then be committing a crime. Sometimes, with my former clients, I just wanted to grab them and shake them into consciousness--but of course, I never did. I waited patiently for them to take the steps they needed to take--but in one case, my client ended up in the hospital having metal plates put into her head. I just about went crazy...she almost died...just because she was hanging in with a lost-cause partner. She has never been quite right in the head since.

    I don't know what else we can do to convince you to get away from this man. It feels to me like this is your last chance. Leave him now, or forever suffer.I won't listen to a word about how much you love him. That time is OVER. This is about survival now, and you have a huge responsibility to your son, and your unborn child. Suppose he decides to punch you in the stomach? All kinds of awful things could happen...I can imagine them now.

    All we can do is tell it like we see it and hear it. Only you can make the choice to save your life and that of your children. I still wish you all the best, but I wonder why you are having so much trouble getting this? I hope it doesn't take an act of violence to convince you to get away from him.

    We care about you and your kids, we really do. We have, many of us, been right where you are. We are only where we are now by virtue of having realized, finally, how much we had to lose if we didn't leave. I wish you all the best in the world--but please come to your senses. It's painful to watch it from this side. We can see where all this is heading, and maybe you can't right now--but you need to wake up.

    Sorry to be so blunt, but I don't want to see you and your four-year-old in the hospital. The whole situation makes me feel a little crazy since I can't do anything but talk to you about it from a distance. Ultimately, the choice is up to you, of course. Please choose life!
     
  2. Cmenot

    Cmenot Silver Member

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    Sadbabymomma,

    I will again recommend that you get some counseling.. please- The only reason your children might be taken from you is your continued relationship with an abusive addict. It doesn't matter that he donated the DNA to these children- he is still an abusive addict and your children should not be around him.

    Girls that grow up watching abuse, end up with abusive men, or they become abusive women. Boys that grow up watching this are more likely to abusive themselves. Its normal to them. Verbal and emotional abuse can be so much worse than physical. And statistically, pregnant women are abused more often and more severely than non-pregnant women.

    I agree that he is using your children to manipulate his parents. Do you think he makes good father or husband material? He cannot love anyone right now.. Get your restraining order reinstated.. and be very careful. When a woman leaves her abuser, this is the most dangerous time. There is an "if I cant have them, no-one else can" mentality. I am concerned that when the verbal manipulation is not working, he may resort to physical.

    You are in a fragile state right now- work on your own recovery. He will encourage you to relapse because then you wont leave him. Please; we have all recommended that you go to a counselor or at least attend an al-anon or nar-anon meeting.. or both- You are as addicted to him as he is to his drug. You may be in love with a man that no longer exists. Believe us when we tell you, you are not thinking clearly. I think he has convinced you that no other man will ever want you. He is SO wrong.

    Try to remember that raising children as a single Mom is way better than raising children in a house with drugs and abuse. Go for sole custody. If he ever gets clean you can easily allow visitation.. supervised until you are convinced he is clean. If he were allowed visitation at this point- do you think he would spend quality time with the kids? no, he would likely drop them at his parents house.

    When I think of qualities that I would value in a possible husband.. I think of what this potential mate is bringing into the household. Honesty? integrity? sense of humor- fun? Income? family values? Dependability? Ways to see this are to look at his friends and family. Does he have long standing friendships? Are his friends good people? Does he value his family and do they care deeply and trust him? Drug addict, drug dealer and abusive are all deal killers. You deserve better.

    There is only one person you can change here-- YOU. Become the person you have always been meant to be. A healthy, independent, strong woman and Mom. This woman, confident in her sobriety and abilities, would never choose to spend time with that man.

    Cmenot :)
     
  3. SadBabyMomma

    SadBabyMomma Newbie

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    @ladywolf2012

    I do understand he is mentally abusing me. He has for a while now. I am at a safe place away from him.

    However we are now battling for custody. I feel I have to stay in his good graces because if I don't he may have my child 50% of the time while he is ALONE! THAT IS TERRIFYING! He has managed to use meth, abuse scripts and be a shitty human for the past 10 years without being caught, and I don't want to have to wait for a call telling me that my child is not okay. I know that no one has the answers for me when it comes to that. It's hard to have faith it will all work out when kids are hurt every day due to this stuff.
     
  4. SadBabyMomma

    SadBabyMomma Newbie

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    @Cmenot

    I do go to therapy, I have been going for a couple years now regularly. It is the fear of him having my children alone as I mentioned above that keeps me around him. And the minute I am around him he has me so twisted up. Confused and feeling guilty for his problems. It does all sound crazy when I say it aloud. That he wants me to accept him as a criminal when he has other options but is just lazy. His parents won't watch my son very often as they live out of state. They just pay for everything for him. He has it all so he thinks. His house paid for, his new truck paid for, they pay all his bills and when they come back once a month they buy him food and give him gas or pay for gas over the phone on a credit card.

    Makes me want to freaking puke! I am trying to trust it will work out, but the anxiety that comes when he has my baby alone is debilitating and my 7 year old daughter suffers so much seeing me in so much pain (her dad is wonderful thankfully). Thankfully I have a great lawyer who is doing her best to keep him and I away from each other. She has seen so much abuse also and knows exactly what he is doing to me. I am scared that he will be able to rattle my cage enough in a trial that I will lose my shit. He knows I was down right suicidal for a while because of his mental abuse. Of course he uses that against me. I know I need support that is local and my family is 10 hours away and while we are in court I can't leave.

    I know I am making excuses. I just worry for myself not having the support I need while pregnant and working full time for peanuts and raising two kids alone. The month the protection order was in place was simple and nice albeit I cried day and night feeling guilt for up and leaving. And like I said he tells me now I am in debt to him and I have to make it right.

    Yes, there are way worse scenarios and I am thankful for what I do have. I am contemplating just leaving and being in hiding but that likely would not bode well in the long game for my children and me. But I truly know my son isn't safe with him. He ran out of 1200 mg of oxy and 600 mg of Percocet that was supposed to last a month in 10 days. This is a monthly thing. He manages to beg, borrow and steal to get by month by month. Finds anything to get him through. Suboxone and opioids found illegally. I have made reports to his small town sheriff and narcotics investigators. I feel like they don't believe me, but I think that is this man's voice and not the truth.

    Again, thank you, I am appreciative to have this forum to seek advice and I like the brutal honesty. I need to hear it and I may need to hear it 100 times a day to drown out his voice. I know what the right thing to do is and being in a different house is my saving grace. The next step is going back to no contact and praying his drug test is positive if he ever gets around to taking it since he is already in contempt for not taking it. I am appreciative I have a place to vent where people actually understand because while my family loves me they just cannot understand why I would consider going back. Or why I am worried. Or how I can't just leave once and for all. I see it. I feel it. I am unfortunately accustomed to it. I feel like I have caused him to be physical because I would nag at him to just talk to me, or love me, or care.

    Pregnant and hormonal I felt so neglected. I cried and that annoyed him. Some days I would stick up for myself and that angered him. But then if I just admitted the fault he wanted to hear, he would go on and on and make sure I admitted my faults and mistakes and stupidity for every scenario that was ever in question. I know this is total abuse. But him abusing me isn't enough to keep him from seeing my son. I know the drugs are, but proof is hard to get. It sucks something terrible may have to happen to my baby before the system believes me.

    Thank you everyone. All the insight is reassuring and it's nice to hear from both sides as I have been the one abusing a substance (alcohol) and now I am on the other side of things. But I have never had experience with someone addicted to pills and illicit drugs. I sincerely had no idea of their severity when I first met him. I mean, I knew they were terrifying, but I did not really ever think they could be as bad than me as a drunk. I see they are in fact they are equally terrible to a point of changing a person to an unrecognizable demon that doesn't just sleep it off and end up with a hangover.
     
  5. JaneGault

    JaneGault Seeking Shelter from the Norm Silver Member Donating Member

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    I can only imagine the fear and frustration you must experience at the thought of leaving your children with him.

    I strongly advise that you stay put, running off would be a mistake in the long run. I am confident complying with any visitation agreement and legal rulings will serve you well. Choose your battles wisely and be certain you have proof of any allegations you make. Family court officials generally have a pretty good sense of who is a responsible parent and who is not. He will most likely land in some kind of legal trouble soon and that will be your opportunity to get the upper hand. Work closely with your attorney, attorneys "play the game" routinely and know all the ins and outs.

    I am pleased to hear you are and have been working with a counselor. Your plate is certainly full and your stress level is bound to be off the charts. I don't know how you feel about it, but a DF journal might be a good tool for you. DF members are good listeners and do our best to be supportive.

    You should be very proud of abstaining from alcohol. Try to focus on some positive aspects of your current situation, i.e. being sober, the joy of another child, and anything else that is uplifting. You have done a great job keeping up with posts and we appreciate you keeping us informed. We love follow up posts (the good, the bad and the ugly). Know that we will be here to listen when you need an ear.

    All my best, Jane
     
  6. SadBabyMomma

    SadBabyMomma Newbie

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    So I've totally been weak and have been seeing my son's father again regularly. Same old shit. He never took the court ordered drug test and won't ever do it. I could use this but I still fear he will get some custody of our son which terrifies me. Although I am starting to wonder, is he an addict? I think he just occasionally uses meth. Like a couple times a month. He tells me that is no worse than a night out drinking. I don't know what to think. He can't get his prescriptions balanced but that's because he is on oxy, Adderall and Xanax. Weird combo to be prescribed. One lawyer I retained in the beginning told me point blank this guy will get overnights with my son. He is mentally and verbally abusive. But if what he says is true am I just taking the fact he abuses me and applying it to my son? Should he have some custody if he only uses meth a couple times a month and abuses his scripts? I'm really confused because of all the torment he has put me through.
     
  7. SadBabyMomma

    SadBabyMomma Newbie

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    And to add I have full custody until he drug tests but I have been letting him see his son although he is always a couple hours later than he says and was at the casino of all places losing the only money he had on the day he received it. I have lent him over $8k and am in dire straits financially and he can't even throw me a few bucks to help me out. I really don't care about the money. Am I just holding a grudge and that's why I want full custody. I feel occasional use and abuse of his scripts is NOT okay. He is delusional often.

    For example he thinks a woman I knew 15 years ago in high school is really someone else that he knows now .That she changed her name and has some agenda. He thinks this coin collection he has is from George Washingtons basement when some of the coins are from the 1940s. It's nonsensical. He thinks I am constantly setting him up when I have given him all I can. Granted getting the 30 day TPO did not help him trust me,but he slapped me and I found meth in a pocket of his on the floor where my son could get it.

    I can't prove these things and will he do them when I am not around? I don't know .I'm just worried my personal feelings are driving this over the safety of my son. Kind of he gaslights me and has me so mind fucked. I am so thankful for continued advice. I'm never settling on being with an addict. I'm just so worried for my baby and he has me so worried about what he can bring out in court from my past as an alcoholic although logically I am sober almost 9 months and employed and in therapy.
     
  8. ladywolf2012

    ladywolf2012 Got diamonds in the soles of my shoes! Palladium Member Donating Member

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    Honey, I have to say that your current report is very distressing. After almost two full pages of your input and our feedback about your situation, and the need for you to get away from him for the safety and sanity of both you and your children, you have gone back to seeing him yet again? Of course, you are free to make whatever choices you want to make, but I kind of feel like our responses to you have been totally useless by now.

    Let me address this point first. In your earlier posts you made it pretty clear that he was abusing all his prescriptions, trying to hide his meth use, and smoking pot all day long. And then he compares his methamphetamine use to a night out drinking, like drinking is totally harmless and is not addictive behavior either? All of his prescriptions are for highly addictive drugs. You know that. You have told us that he always runs out of these drugs way before refill time. He is also addicted to being abusive--yes, I believe that behavior too can become addictive.

    And now you tell us that he is a gambler too? If I understood you correctly way back in this thread, he has also already been physically abusive towards you? Okay, I finally found your words:

    Why, oh why, are you still trying so hard to let him off the hook? WHY are you still trying to explain away his totally threatening, destructive, and abusive behaviors to make him seem more benign? Why are you still trying to forgive him for mistreating you hideously and constantly? Yes, the time may come when forgiveness becomes an important part of your own personal growth process, but that time is NOT now, while you are still hanging out with this miserable excuse for a man (forgive my bluntness) and placing yourself and your children and your unborn in constant danger?

    While I am not a lawyer (if we're lucky, maybe a lawyer will jump in here and comment on the situation), I believe that the custody issue will work itself out somehow without you having to fake "being nice" to him. He has already missed court-ordered drug tests, so he is violating probation or parole or whatever he is on, and perhaps in contempt of court too. The courts will not take kindly to this. He is clearly not going to cooperate with the law, and you will, so yes, I can understand why you are worried about the custody issue, but I believe that it will resolve itself in your favor whether you are hanging out with him anymore or not.

    (Of course, one can never be sure about that, because judges and lawyers and outcomes are always unpredictable. But generally, family courts lean towards giving the major share of the custody, if not all of it, to the mother if she is clearly in better shape than the father is.) And you have been sober now for at least nine months, which I hope you can prove through meeting attendance records or something, but even if you can't, it should be clear in family court who is the responsible party.

    You know what? I hardly know what else to say to you at this point. I have pretty much used up my own arsenal of psychological knowledge and insight. I feel badly for you, but as a psychotherapist who worked extensively with abused women for many years, often in relationships with addicts, I find your situation to be very frustrating by now. You really MUST take the time to truly and calmly appraise and evaluate what is really going on, and what your priorities really are. And the safety of your children just must be placed first. If you don't place their safety and well-being first, then you are violating your own parental responsibilities!

    Okay. I am breathing deeply and sighing, and I just don't know what more to say. So I am going to close this post with a poem written by Portia Nelson. It's not terribly long, and it's certainly applicable to your whole situation:

    An Autobiography in Five Chapters
    by Portia Nelson


    Chapter 1
    I walk down the street.
    There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
    I fall in. I am lost….I am helpless.
    It isn’t my fault.
    It takes forever to find a way out.

    Chapter 2
    I walk down the same street.
    There is a deep hole in the side walk.
    I pretend I don’t see it. I fall in again.
    I can’t believe I am in the same place.
    But it isn’t my fault.
    It still takes a long time to get out.

    Chapter 3
    I walk down the same street.
    There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
    I see it is there.
    I fall in….it’s a habit…but my eyes are open.
    I know where I am. It is my fault.
    I get out immediately.

    Chapter 4
    I walk down the same street.
    There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
    I walk around it.

    Chapter 5
    I walk down a different street.
     
    Last edited: Sep 10, 2018
  9. Cmenot

    Cmenot Silver Member

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    Sadbabymama... He likely wont show up for the custody hearing, in which case he might forfeit. I doubt a judge will give him unsupervised visitation with that list of prescriptions, especially if he doesn't provide a drug test.
    How can you ask if he is truly an addict- meth use aside, he abuses his prescription meds.
    I have to be honest with you, although we want to help you- you aren't hearing us. We cant help you move forward if you wont turn around. Stop letting this abusive drug addict spend time your kids-- It makes YOU look bad- in the eyes of the court, etc
    I know this is hard (lord do I know), but you CAN do it!
    C
     
  10. SadBabyMomma

    SadBabyMomma Newbie

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    @Cmenot and @ladywolf2012

    I am equally frustrated with myself. I am in therapy as I've already said and my therapist is going to beat my ass, not literally, when he hears of my relapse back to my child's dad. I know it makes me look bad. I don't know how this man has gotten so far into my head I'm questioning meth use! He has learned to guilt me from my past mistakes when I drank after our son was born. I carry that guilt and always will because I wasn't the best mom I could be then. And I'm not being the best now by letting the chaos he causes ruin me.

    I appreciate even the ability to vent and have it out there because I feel having the truth out there helps me see what is real. He has made me feel like a terrible person because he paints himself as this great and helpful person. I am ashamed of how I was when I was drinking and I am ashamed of who I am when this man is in my life. Co-dependent doesn't even touch the sick pull I feel to him. I have been bonded through trauma to him and he has used every page in the abusers handbook of control on me.

    I hate that I an terrified to leave and terrified to stay. I'm terrified of the blow back I'll receive. Its most frustrating to not be able to talk as an adult with him. No conversation is candid. It's all full of twisting words and projection and deflection.

    I'm going to leave. I know I have to. I don't want to hit a bottom and be regret filled when my kids are taken from me which WILL happen if I stay. He gives me enough hope to stay and then tramples it with a day from hell full of head games that leave me feeling powerless and empty.

    Thanks for all the feedback and advice. Praying for strength and clarity.
     
  11. ladywolf2012

    ladywolf2012 Got diamonds in the soles of my shoes! Palladium Member Donating Member

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    SadBabyMomma--You state your awareness of your own position pretty clearly, and I really get the pain and confusion that you are feeling around the prospect of leaving this man forever. I'm going to try to emphasize one more point, and then, if I can resist adding yet another post after this one, I am done. It's called Tough Love.

    You are obviously an extremely strong-willed and powerful person. You have actually had control over me almost all day, because I am an empath like so many addicts are. I haven't been able to get my own rage and fury over some of the things I have allowed myself to endure at the hands of abusive partners in the past out of my mind, as well as your specific situation. I have been spitting out my words, crashing into doorways, all kinds of stuff like that since I read your post saying that you have gone back to him. This is obviously my own responsibility and issue to deal with, and is not in any way your fault.

    But one final point. In the list I wrote a long time ago, and linked you to in a post way back when about How to Recognize Codependency in Yourself, is the following item: "7) You have a desperate need to control situations, because you were so not in control when you were a child. Your efforts to help your addicted partner are actually also efforts to control him or her, and this is one of the very hardest behaviors to recognize and change. 'But I only want to help,' you may protest. Right. Help by telling your partner what to do, which often falls on deaf and resentful ears, usually backfires on you."

    So I just want to throw this out there again for your own consideration. Your motives may not, in fact, be totally selfless. Take a look at this, please. Do you still want to run his life for him?

    That's about it from me. I am drained. I still want to support you, but I no longer know how to even try. I'm glad you have a good therapist. I don't know what it's going to take. I have tried, we all have tried very hard here to help and support you. We understand the roots and the manifestations of your pain. Peace to you, and the very best of luck in the future.
     
    Last edited: Sep 11, 2018
  12. TheBigBadWolf

    TheBigBadWolf Imperial Wizzard Gold Member Donating Member

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    Dear @SadBabyMomma,

    You seem to not be aware that you are ruining your position in a custody fight when you allow him to see your child.
    If it only were for you I d not care to write this, but in the name of both your born and unborn kid, keep to what is written, visit wise, don't have contact with him that is more than saying hallo and goodbye when you have no lawyer of yours present.

    He is again manipulating you and the fears he puts in your head will come true if you don't have the size to finally let go off that guy.

    He does this on Purpose and will use it against you.

    Finally wake up!!

    (Gods damn!)
    BBW
     
  13. SadBabyMomma

    SadBabyMomma Newbie

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    Update to all. It's been months. I finally have left...again. I filed another protection order. He has taken me for thousands and continued to use until early March. The mental and verbal abuse was so bad. I'm due with his baby any day. I feel bad for leaving. I know however I shouldn't. I have a hearing for the PO on the 18th and will try to get a stay or work out custody where he only gets supervised visits. He can choose.

    I let it get too bad. He took me for all my money and it feels like part of my soul is gone. I feel a fool for not getting out while I still had my head above water but my kids are safe and so am I. His delusions are becoming insane.

    When I left he stopped using and now of course he is being kind and he's sorry etc. He has way too much trust to earn back right now.

    I feel fortunate to have gotten out with only money lost and my feelings badly injured. I still have my kids and a new baby here any day.

    The PTSD is awful. From being location tracked and accused of being a whore daily and my name may as well have been bitch. Sigh. I deserve better and for sure my babies do.
     
  14. ICEMAN1216

    ICEMAN1216 Newbie

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    Great news, for you and your unborn baby!!!
    the stress you two ( and your son) has been Huge!!
    i am so glad you made it to term and now can relax a bit before that bundle of Joy arrives:)

    Sorry to say this but as a Male : He is a real Asshole.... you are doing All the work to bring his child in to this world, and he sounds like a Selfish , self-centered, child, not a Parent to be..
    All the best