Opinions - I just finished a 5 year bid, and cant imagine living so drug free

Discussion in 'Hydromorphone' started by Taraa66, Apr 14, 2019 at 1:02 PM.

  1. Taraa66

    Taraa66 NH girl in Cali Donating Member Newbie

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    Not sure if this is the right place for this, as I am a new member. Though I was a member 6 years ago before being sent to prison for DUI and possession of heroin. I was high on ghb and drove my car of the road. I HAVE DRUGS I prefer, right now it's hydromorphone since I have a pretty good amount for free. But I will do anything to avoid sobriety. I got out some months ago, been lucky so far my parole officer hasn't tested me. But its boundaries d to happen. I went and got legit prescription s for 2 mg klonopin a day, phentermine, wellbutrin, and lexapro. I need help in staying content with that and drinking.

    Sometimes I think I hate myself so much I won't give myself a chance to succeed. I'm lucky in that my finances are secure, my children are successful adults, and truly there is nothing wrong with my life. I just love being high, and cant not be high.

    Has anyone tried hypnosis? Or any other suggestions to stay on my script only , If I stay clean till the end of the year I'm off parole. Every time I try to cut back to stop the diludid, I start back before I even get sick, just mentally justifying it. Making up excuses for when i get caught. That's the most fucked up part, i know I will eventually get caught with a dirty test at the least. And my daughter won't speak to me again if that happens. Among other negative consequences.

    Anyway, I'm hoping to get some advice, or maybe just find someone to relate to. Perhaps even have a chance to help someone else. I've certainly gone through a lot and tried any drug I could get my hands on.

    This is a great site, I look forward to being apart of it, and learning what I can.
    Tried it all, ready to slow down
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 14, 2019 at 2:23 PM
  2. TheBigBadWolf

    TheBigBadWolf Imperial Wizzard Gold Member Donating Member

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    hey @Taraa66
    what about Kratom?
    And what about marijuana?

    I don't know where exactly you are based, but outside San Diego Kratom is allowed. (sorry just saw it is Sacramento).
    That would - in my view - be a good substitute to hydromorphone which will - if I understand you right - eventually put you in danger to go inside again.
    And are you legally allowed to use Marijuana while on parole ( European citizen here.)?

    BBW
     
  3. torn2bits

    torn2bits Titanium Member

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    Hiya Taraa66 and welcome to the forum.

    Your in a bit of a tough spot, the fact that your out of jail is a great thing, restarting a opiate habit is really rough.
    How long are you on parole?
    I'm curious the penalty of a hot drug screen for you, jail wise?
    Can you be allowed onto a maintenance drug like Suboxone or methadone?
    Again I understand it's tough to ask for maintenance medication without admitting you are using hydromorphone, have you ever considered this though?
    The prescription medication you take, it sounds to be for depression & anxiety is it helping?
    I'm asking these things hoping that possibly by getting you medication stable and working for you, it could help you use less hydromorphone and possibly give you a chance to evaluate things.
    Welcome again to the forum, stay safe .
    ~ToRn
     
  4. jazzyj9

    jazzyj9 Titanium Member Donating Member

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    I wanted to add to the list of alternatives mushrooms. I had the opportunity to try recently and was impressed by the medicinal value. Not only was the experience fun but boosted my mood significantly. There are alternatives to highly addictive opioids and other addictive destructive drugs like meth and coke. As mentioned above Kratom and marijuana are also good alternatives.
     
  5. Taraa66

    Taraa66 NH girl in Cali Donating Member Newbie

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    Thanks for the responses. I've never tried kraton, and asides from this site haven't heard of anyone doing it. But I will look into it. I got some ghb,gbl not sure. And got carried away. I think I like it to much . Mushrooms hadn't occurred to me , a little hard to get but I'm going to look into it.
    Yes, my scripts are for depression and anxiety, the phentermine is a weight loss drug, klonopin to help me sleep. This seems like it should be an adequate menu.....but there's really something wrong with me and it's never enough. I can reason logically that my life is easy, I have support and legit drugs. But that changes nothing about the way I feel. And unfortunately my feelings tend to override logic. Looking at others journals, seeing how they overcome the struggle I hope will help. It's more logic I know, but eventually logic should override emotion.
    To answer the question about consequences, my first dirty test will probably be made to go to aa ,the next maybe 3 days in jail, but the worst is my year of parole starts at the beginning again. Like right now,if all goes well, I'm done with the system this December. If I mess up,I start back at square one and will but e on parole until at least summer of 2020. So if anyone knows how to make logic weigh more than emotion, that's what I'm trying for.
    Thank you
     
  6. torn2bits

    torn2bits Titanium Member

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    There's a compulsion that comes with drug use for many people, it isn't wrong or right, it simply is.
    Psilocybin "mushrooms" there are many study's online that large colleges have done that show they help with depression and anxiety.
    Please use your downtime to continue to read of others that have learned to gain control of their drug use, especially when their drug use could effect them so harshly as ending back into the system.
    Kratom, is legal and may help you ease back away from you current drug of choice.
    My concern for you here is that, noone wants you back into the public system, as you know that's very tough, aswell will be your daughter separating herself from you, as you've mentioned.
    Many through time have used AA and NA as a support network, that have successfully learned to not continue to use drugs , you can find a meeting almost anywhere.
    We all hope you find your way to stay safe and find the peace your looking for, I hope things get better and you learn a different route and never forget, you as a person are better than any substance.
    Stay safe, always my best to you.
    ~ToRn
     
  7. jazzyj9

    jazzyj9 Titanium Member Donating Member

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    Do you have a career goal or educational goal you are pursuing? After my meth addiction I was able to finish my education and become a nurse. This has been very rewarding and stabilizing for me. I have severe depression as well but recently was able to try a bunch of different treatments that helped a lot. My point is that I think building your non addict identity up and identity outside of any psych diagnosis will help you.

    You have the ability to live a meaningful and rewarding life and contribute to the greater community. If you get stuck back in a shitty addiction that might not be possible. Don’t waste your potential and precious life on that.
     
  8. Taraa66

    Taraa66 NH girl in Cali Donating Member Newbie

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    Thank you, I was looking into school and took almost 2 years of college level courses,transferable to the cCA university system. But now I just feel so overwhelmed. IM slowly getting more into life again.
    Just focusing on my plants and getting g back in shape.I just had surgery to get 3 dental implants yesterday, that will help my self esteem to go out and do things as well.
    Congratulations on going back to school, especially after a meth habit. I know meth gives you energy so not getting the energy must've been a challenge.
    Always, Tara