I still love him, but............What do I do with an addicted boyfriend?

Discussion in 'Family & friends' started by heartbroken, Jun 25, 2004.

  1. heartbroken

    heartbroken Newbie

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    Hi there. I've been with my boyfriend for 2 years now. When I first met him, I couldn't believe that I had lucked out so much...He was great - nice, sensitive, funny, caring, cuteand extremely extremely intelligent....I knew he had problems stemming from his past - he was abused as a child by drug-addicted parents. He had to practically raise himself and his 2 younger sisters. At the age of 20, he met a woman who would become his wife, but she treated him like crap and he left after 13 years. Then he met another woman who treated him the exact same way and he left her after 7 years. He had 1 daughter with each of these women.

    When he met me, he said he was so happy, I was completely different from these other women (meaning his mother and the 2 exes), I was loving, affectionate, and truly loved him. And it's true. I still love him. But last September, he started doing crack. At first, it was only once in a while, it wasn't out of control yet. But then I heard from one of his sisters, that he has had this problem before, but always pulled himself out before it was too late. (He's been to rehab before and actually stayed clean from everything for 5 years) But now he's deeper into it. His other sister is a crack-addict prostitute. He's been starting to frequent her place, where she lives with her boyfriend. Now he has started lying to me, he's pawned the t.v., "forced" me to give him money (you know what I mean by forced - never-ending insisting and pleading and begging, etc.) I gave it to him just to make him stop. He's doing it more and more. He can't go a week clean now. What scares me is that he gets some fronted to him and then panics because we don't have the money to pay them back.

    The boyfriend I had before, for 10 years, gave me SO many problems. He also had a cocaine and major alcohol problem. I can't do this anymore. I've always held a job (a pretty good one), but the guys I'm with NEVER work. My boyfriend now apparently has always worked before, but now he's in a bad depression, and he's got pain, ......... I'm always the only one who works. No wonder I find it hard to get up and go to work in the mornings. In one breath, he says he'll get help and that's it, in the next breath, he asks me for just another $40. Arghhhh!!! It pisses me off - he's got so much potential - such a terrific and amazing human being besides this problem. What do you think of this? I just need some advice......Thanks
     
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  2. Jetset

    Jetset Gold Member

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    I know this can be hard, I used to be the one with a major addiction to drugs at one time in our relationship. Some people may say if you there for him then he will stop, if he loves you he will stop, but this is all BS as far as I am concerned. You can be the best thing for him and he may know it but the temptation is far to great. Even if you tell him you'll leave him if he does it one more time means that the next time he will just hide it from you. Make sure you never give him that altamadem sp?. This may sound really hard but the best thjing you can possible do is move and movce hime from the area. thats what helped me and my wife cut down from an every weekend self destruct life to a far better life. I am not saying we have not used since wer moved but it has gone from every weekend to 2 to 3 times a year. Move is the best thing i can say.
     
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  3. heartbroken

    heartbroken Newbie

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    Thanks so much for your reply. We WERE going to move a few months back to a town near his Mom's but then we heard stuff she said like "well, they better not think they're moving in with ME". Real jerk-like. This really hurt him - he had been hoping to maybe have some kind of relationship with her. We weren't going to move IN with her, just get a place in the same town. Instead we ended up staying in this neighbourhood, which is truly infested with crack. I agree with you and mentioned it to HIM a couple of weeks ago, but he said that it wouldn't make a difference. Maybe not, but I think moving to a small town would have.
     
  4. manda

    manda Palladium Member

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    When he asks for money, hand him the help-wanted adds.
     
  5. Jetset

    Jetset Gold Member

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    Move far enough away that he can't get it from the normal lines of traffic and he has to go out of his way to get it. If you move far enough away he will have to make a bigger effort to find the stuff in a new town, and thats where you come in by keeping him occupied so he won't have time to go find it. Movies, walks, sports you name it. Try it
     
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  6. Nadingo

    Nadingo Newbie

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    I know your pain, all too well. You have to be strong, whatever you do. It's so easy to fall into depression, but you can't do that to yourself. Remember how special you are, and that you deserve more than being used and abused. And don't kid yourself: you are being used and abused. Tap into any and all support networks at your disposal- it does help. If you work on loving yourself, maybe being with him won't matter so much and you can be free from that pain. People who don't know what you are going through can be very sanctimonious and matter of fact when they say things like, "Leave him!" Like it's that easy. I know it's hard, and heart-breaking. It makes your soul ache to have to face the reality that this person you love so much loves his crack more than even himself. It's hard to respect yourself in this situation, and once you lose self-respect, you lose the will to make your life worth living. But it IS worth living, and you DO deserve better. If you have to leave him to live a better life, then that's what you have to do. Taking care of yourself is the FIRST priority. Be the wonderful, strong person you are, and never compromise on yourself. I know this is a little preachy, but I'm right there with you, so I'm preaching to myself as well.


    You take care...I wish you the best
     
  7. manda

    manda Palladium Member

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    Myself, I draw the line at any addict worse than me to date or live with... Since you're not an addict, maybe you should draw the line at him because all he'll do is take your money and turn on you when shit don't go his way.
     
  8. heartbroken

    heartbroken Newbie

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    Thanks so much for your replies. They really have helped me in trying to decide what to do. Thanks JetSet and Nadingo. You guys are really great.
     
  9. Pinkavvy

    Pinkavvy Platinum Member & Advisor

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    Take him to rehab. While he's in there, move. Stay in contact with him, visit him. Have a clean house ready when he gets out. If that doesn't work, or he resents you for it, move on.
     
  10. OneDiaDem

    OneDiaDem Nefelibata Platinum Member

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    People, remember, wherever you go, you take you with you.The town is not the problem. The only question you need to be asking yourself is, Do I want to live the rest of my life like this? Because that is a possibility.


    Quit enabling. Make him responsible for his addiction. So what if he has stuff fronted to him. Is that your responsibility to pay for, are you doing the drugs? No. When he has to literally pay for his addiction, whether by getting a job, or paying with a broken leg, the addiction will lose some of its appeal. As long as you are his safety net, he has no reason to not feed the beast.
     
  11. Guest

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    Rehab is a great start. If you dont want to do that, or he refuses, make him get a job and pay for his own monkeys.
     
  12. lost

    lost Newbie

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    A struggle between your head and your heart isunbelivebly tough--believe me I know. I have been in this position myself. Being in love with an addict can drag you down so far that you begin to wonder if you are worthy of love and happiness. Don't let this happen to you! Just remember you need to stay true to yourself and put your needs first.


    I wish you the best in whatever decision you choose.
     
  13. cristina

    cristina Silver Member

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    Heartbroken ~

    I am in the same boat right now. Began a relationship with a man who was absolutely wonderful - in every way. Stayed wonderful for 5 years - we bought a house together, were planning our wedding. The last year he has been using crack and is now an addict and it is something I just confirmed in the last few days. He has lied, stayed out all night and spent most of our money. My initial feeling was that my life was turned upside down.

    I asked him to leave...for now..so I can get my head straight. Even after a couple days, I feel like I am thinking more clearly. I very much want to stand by him, support him and spend my life with him...but not if he is using.

    I don't know where this is all going to end up...I hope with him getting help and getting clean...but I dont know. I am taking it one step at a time and trying to stay strong...for me and for the kids.

    I will keep you in my thoughts and be hoping for a positive outcome for both of us.
     
  14. Space Numpty

    Space Numpty Bad Mother-Fucker Palladium Member Donating Member

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    Hey love, just a heads up, but this thread is actually 8 years old so the outcome has probably been and gone.

    I noticed your thread and Missparkles long and considered reply to you. What she said is exactly spot on and i think you are doing the right thing by refusing to stay with him if he keeps using.

    There is tons of advice/support here for you whatever the case. I hope what you hope for happens, which i imagine is that he gets clean and you move on together.

    If he does decide to get clean it would do him no harm atall to check this forum out himself.

    Whatever the outcome i wish you all the happiness...
     
    1. 4/5,
      very informative and supportive reply
      Jan 9, 2012
  15. cristina

    cristina Silver Member

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    Thank you for the support, Space Numpty!

    And sorry...my head isn't all together right now..didn't even look at the date!!
     
  16. Name Less

    Name Less Silver Member

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    Ah, Love. Leave him. I became engaged with a heroin addict, he in turn turned my best friend's cousin into one too because ONE lifestyle is eventually shared in the relationship, and both people become dependent on each other for support in their addictions. It is then translated into love. My best friend's cousin thought through support and understanding, her bf would quit using. It's a fool's dream and you and your money will be caught in the middle. Out of experience, I can tell you, leave before it's too late. My best friend's cousin was one of the two wrongs that will never make a "right."

    Take care.
     
  17. Trynasmile

    Trynasmile Silver Member

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    Name Less although your own experience was terrible, not all relationships end the way yours did. I'm sure there are some people who have been through a lot with their partner and came through the other end together.

    Cristina my cat Smily is currently trying to support her boyfriend who is addicted to coke (sniffing not smoking) and I understand completely when you say you can think clearly without him there as she felt the same when Tom was away for a few days. Smily didn't feel completely responsible for him and his actions weren't dictating how she felt every second of the day.

    I've been reading that it's important not to feel guilty. You have to do the right thing for yourself first and foremost. If someone is ready to face and overcome their addiction, it has to be their decision. No amount of love can persuade them.

    Whatever you decide, I wish you and yours all the luck in the world:vibes:

    Trynasmile x
     
  18. milton5a

    milton5a Newbie

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    Sounds very familiar.

    My bf doesn't beg just sits there with a hoody over his head until I give in & pass over the money.

    I work, pay for everything plus his addiction ..... Dumb right? days seem to merge into one & the never ending cycle of money giving never stops. You have to make it stop, you're the only one who can. If he is persistent and you can't say no then you have to move on otherwise like me you will be his never ending cash machine.