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Letter from an addict to you ........

Discussion in 'Family & friends' started by brokenangel, Aug 7, 2012.

  1. brokenangel

    brokenangel Titanium Member

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    "That's what addicts do......"

    I'm an addict. And this is what addicts do.....

    You cannot and will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat you better, let alone with any respect. All I care about and all I think about, is my needs and how to go about fufilling them. You are a tool to me, something to use. When I say I love you I am lying through my teeth, because love is impossible for someone in active addiction. I wouldn't be using if I loved myself, and since I don't, I cannot love you.

    My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my drugs that I could be considered sociopathic. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't phase me that I hurt you, leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat on you and steal from you.

    My behavior cannot and will not change until I make a decison to stop using and then follow it up with a plan of action.

    And until I make that decsion, I will hurt you again and again and again.

    Stop being surprised.

    I am an addict.... And that's what addicts do.






    (found online, multiple sites - author unkown)
     
    Last edited: Oct 15, 2012
  2. trdofbeingtrd

    trdofbeingtrd Palladium Member

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    Sorry, but I have to REALLY disagree with the reply above me (broken angel).

    It's not that some of that nonsense CAN be true, it's that this paints addicts as something they are not. Can they lie? Yes. Can they use people? Yes. Can they seem as if they drug is all that matters? Yes.

    However, this neat and terrible painting is taking all the human out of the masterpiece and leaving the ugly flaws.....there is still the original canvas at the core.

    Humans are individuals. There are some people out there that can love a drug so much that it turns them into people that are just terrible, people that will break all family ties, friendships, and relationships for the drug. What's important to know is that this is how those individuals are because of who they are.

    When I was addicted to methamphetamine I loved the drug, but I dropped it. I didn't drop it because I had to, I dropped it because one day a tragedy caused me to see who I was because of the drug and the environment I was living in, the insanity I was a part of. I didn't have anyone there to help me quit, I did it myself, it was my will power, MY LOVE for my family and friends.....most importantly, MY LOVE for MYSELF.

    Addicts can be certain ways, and they can seem to be just terrible no soul monsters, but as I said, it's the individual.

    I over take my pain medication, and I take kratom for the help it gives me. Have me choose between those I love and both of those substances and I know which I will pick. I don't have to lie, I don't have to steal, and I don't have to hurt people to take the pain medication and kratom, if I did, I would again drop the addictions for those I love as I have before.

    It's not that the above cannot be true for some, it's that it is NOT true for all.
     
  3. LittleBabyNothing

    LittleBabyNothing Silver Member

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    I allso dissagree!

    For example, my Kitty cat, despite her addiction, will never use her Tom cat, because they love each other and respect each other and are in the same shit togeather. They may (and do) use others arround, but not each other, because each other is all they have. They understand that if they will loose each other, they will stop existing, because they somehow comfort each other. Tom cat reacently admitted that without Kitty cat he would not have managed to live so far and that without her life would be unbearable. The same thing is with Kitty cat, Tom cat is the only thing she is still living for, otherwise she would have commited suicide (He is the only reason why she has not done it yet).
     
  4. Twizal

    Twizal

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    Hello Brokenangel, I'm wondering why you wrote what you did? If you don't care about anyone and the drugs make you "almost sociopathic " why would you waste time on a drug forum?
    We will still listen to you and just incidentally lots of people have felt like you. If you let yourself admit you care you'll crumble.
    Sounds like you were trampled on before you had a chance to get up. No one here can make you do anything.....it's you who choose .
    You sound pretty gutsy ,hope you post again.
     
  5. Fentiful

    Fentiful Titanium Member

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    While I do disagree with many of the concepts in the OP's letter, perhaps she intended it as an expression of her state of mind and conflicting feelings during HER struggle with substances. I don't think she was trying to make a blanket statement regarding how ALL addicts are, or necessarily how she is, but rather an attempt to describe, explain and voice the struggle an addict and their loved ones go through when someone is in the middle and grips of an all consuming addiction.

    In my personal experience as well as seeing it first hand, drug use and addiction, which are different, go through many different phases. There is no clear cut time frame for everyone as far as how long they will remain in one and when and if they will pass to another. During the latent phases of full blown addiction this may very well "seem" to be the case, as self love and empathy are pushed down, numbed, and degraded severely due to the psychological and physiological changes that have occured through out and during the latter stages of addiction.

    Often times during early stages of addiction the conflict of emotions, guilt, care, confusion, appointment can all be "triggers" to justify using. As the brain and mind get used to the reward that drugs bring rather than solving those emotional conflicts with behavior changes, eventually turning to substances becomes the addicts sole way of coping and functioning. There's no denying that extensive drug use cause physical changes as well as mental changes, and eventually the user can not deal with their mental states and former coping mechanisms unless drastic intervention occurs.

    Just my two cents on the matter. I wrote this while waking up with my coffee, so hopefully it is logical lol. M
     
  6. trdofbeingtrd

    trdofbeingtrd Palladium Member

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    You know, if the OP wrote this because this is how she felt regarding how she has been treated by a loved one, well she can't be wrong. If this is her personal feelings on how she see's her loved one, then it's the way she feels. I can't say her opinion is wrong. I really hope my reply did not seem as if I was trying to take that away from her, I took it as her feeling about all addicts which is why I felt the need to reply the way I did.

    When someone is hurt because their partner is addicted then of course this is how they would feel. So Broken Angel, honestly, if this is not how you feel about all addicts then please take my apology as I don't want anyone to feel as if they can't share who they are and how they feel here. I did not mean it to sound like an attack, even if you did mean it regarding all addicts.

    I just put my view if you did mean it regarding all addicts and my view plus two cents still gets me whatever two cents can get me.

    My opinion and views are no more important than any other persons on this site, and I know that, so please don't take it as an attack and that I don't want you to share, even if you think that way about all addicts.
     
  7. missparkles

    missparkles Platinum Member & Advisor

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    Firstly let me apologise, I couldn't remember how to use the quote function in each post so I quoted each part individually. I'll get it right one day...maybe.:eek:

    To be completely honest BrokenAngel, I totally agree with you. When someone is in active addiction their DOC comes first, second and last. They will lie, cheat and steal from people (including loved ones) if necessary.

    I see nothing wrong in this part of the post either. Just because an addict can mask (incredibly well) just how they really feel doesn't mean they're not in excruciating emotional pain, does it? They will say everything is going ok, but in reality it really isn't. And if they're unable to acknowledge their own feelings they cannot acknowledge yours can they?

    And this is what its all about. And the only way to stop this existence (cuz its definitely not living) is to make out a plan of action, quit using, then put that plan in motion.

    And again and again.

    Loved ones are so desperate to have things change, they're almost as good at being in denial as the addict is adept at manipulation, friends and family will usually believe everything the addict tells them. They so desperately wanna believe that the addict is finally getting their act together.


    And that's exactly what we do, isn't it?

    I have to say that although I agree with everything said in that first post by BrokenAngel, it does make it appear that an addict will do all of this, behave this way, as if its premeditated? Its not. It reads as if an addict will set out to lie cheat and steal from loved ones on purpose? They don't. In fact the motives behind the behaviour (mentioned above) can occur on a subconscious level, and when pointed out can be as much a surprise to them, as it is to others. I mean, who in their right mind would willingly, consciously, gladly behave in such a way, would wish for themselves a life such as this? No one would.

    I believe that's why so many posters disagreed with that first post, simply cuz it portrayed addicts in such a negative light. But lets face it, that's just the way it really is for all addicts at some time (usually the end) of their using, isn't it? I'd love to say that my 40+ years of using was all sweetness and light, but looking back I now see nothing but misery, misery that I (no one else) allowed to happen.

    Now whether BrokenAngel is speaking from experience, or they're just attempting to provide every addict at DF with a wake up call, I'm not sure. But I thank them with all of my heart. Why? Because they care enough and were brave enough to post something that was likely to produce such strong feelings from everyone, as it did. If you're speaking from what appears to be very painful experience then keep on posting BrokenAngel, you will get the support that you need. I appreciate that some people have difficulty in asking for help, and sometimes a post such as yours is a cry for help.

    You can PM me anytime if you feel you wanna talk.:)

    Sparkles.:vibes:
     
    Last edited: Aug 10, 2012
  8. simieon

    simieon Newbie

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    as a former addict, admittedly, i got off the wagon early, and hence might have had an easier time than most doing so. (only had somewhere in between 1 and 2 years of daily use of the substance in question. the precise time eludes me)
    but i still have to disagree. in both definitions of the word love addiction doesn't make you incapable of having such emotions, merely uninterested in pursuing them.

    defined as love for a person, that gives you sweaty hands, makes time slow down, and willing to sacrifice everything for the person in question (otherwise defined as a chemical reaction in the brain, intended to break down boundaries in the way of forming couples, and producing offspring).
    it still possible, although unlikely. and not your first priority. none the less, it is still what got me clean in the first place. "i met a girl, and damn she was fine. she had the looks, the wits, and that i pretend to be slightly dumber than i am blonde thing going on i honestly find way to attractive. but still i regularly caught her with her nose buried deep in my books (psychology seemed to be a proffered subject for her). anyways, i fell for her, head over heels, and she had absolutely no interest in me, but she was honest. told me to get clean, get my act straight, and whatnot before she could even consider it, and even then it would still be unlikely. my cold turkey started that moment. a few days later she turned up, and saw me feeling, and looking like shit, i told her why, and she felt so bad for me she brought me to her place, and took care of me for the next week or so. at the end of the sweating, morning vomiting, shakiness, and having job interviews while barely being able to think, she fell for me to." love got me clean, and when she eventually left me because i didnt stay completely off all drugs forever, and didn't treat her as well as she deserved. another form of love kept me away from addiction.

    the love i feel for my music is another definition of love, probably the same as what old married couples feel for each-other. its about something being such an integral part of your life that you couldn't bear to loose it. about needing and craving the comfort it gives you. this is also the sort of love i felt for my addiction.
    when she left all i had left was this need and craving which i had managed to transfer onto something else, something that the drugs got in the way off. i love my music, and even if sparse recreational use can serve as inspiration, i know that heavy abuse will make me unable to improve. and when i put myself in a situation where i have to choose between what i love, and what i used to love, its still hard to say no, but its doable.

    dude, don't flee from love, but don't chase it either (that will lead to loads of disappointments). just be ready to use it for your own selfish needs when it shows up, in whatever form.
     
  9. source

    source Palladium Member

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    Wow *clears throat* that was very deep, and also very very honest.

    People can disagree or agree with the whole post, or bits of it, but to me its definitely an accurate, emotional depiction of the worst stages of addiction. And also so perfectly put.

    Yes, its all the negative aspects of addiction, but isn't that what makes people accept an addict for who they are? Or help an addict to become clean?

    Its the 'I don't give a flying fuck' attitude that addicts have.

    However, to be able to admit thats why you are an addict, whilst 'being' an addict, is also admitting to the fact that these traits are infact negative and therefore not good. Either that or its like saying all addicts love to be completely selfish and self-absorbed, which I don't believe to be the case.

    Very thought provoking indeed.
     
  10. brokenangel

    brokenangel Titanium Member

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    Thank you everyone for your input! Both those who agree & disagree. I didn't mean for it to offend anyone, but merely as a poetic view of addiction. I posted a letter from an enabler as well, as a poetic depiction of both sides. This letter is actually something I came across online, no author - and thought it was definately worth sharing. Same with the enabler letter. As I said, just a poetic depiction of "Addiction" and the pain associated within the user, and how addiction affects the people around them.

    To me, everyone who reads this may see it differently... just as you may view a painting. That was my point, for everyone to see it and take away something from it in their own unique way. When I read it, I saw it as a work of art....................... and it hit me, hard.
    Thanks for viewing.





    "What Codependents Do"

    I'm a codependent. And this is what codependents do.

    You cannot and will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat myself better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, is everyone else’s needs and how to go about fulfilling them. Within five minutes of meeting you, I will be offering you help.

    My own feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my enabling that I have no empathy for myself.

    My behavior cannot and will not change until I make a decision to stop enabling and then follow it up with a plan of action to practice acceptance, self-compassion and self-care.

    And until I make that decision, I will help again and again and again.

    Stop being surprised.

    I am a codependent. And that's what codependents do

    Read more: http://www.drugs-forum.com/forum/showthread.php?t=191358#ixzz23BiC5e8T
     
  11. Twizal

    Twizal

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    Hello broken angel, after the dialogue I still want to know how you are traveling ? Hope you're going ok.
     
  12. iceflame

    iceflame Palladium Member

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    Hi broken angel,
    I've been searching for the original(s) as I recall coming across them myself some time ago, and I've located them.

    Please don't think I'm attempting to be 'The Plagiarism Police' this isn't my intention whatsoever, you haven't claimed the work as your own, I noticed in a post above that the author was anonymous and I thought perhaps you'd like to clarify the origins of the several pieces of prose.
    Mainly to avoid any misunderstandings/conflict/whatever.

    Tell me to bugga off if you think I'm being rediculous, but I'm slightly OCD when it comes to these matters.

    I won't link to the site as I'm unsure who they may be affiliated with (eg: narCONon = Scientology although I highly doubt it you must be wary), but mainly because there's advertising visible to non-members (which is a violation of our forums rules).

    • www soberrecovery com
    • The author is 'Jon'. (apparently he founded the site, unsure of the credibility of source)

    If you choose to edit your post(s)/threads that contain these 'Letters from...' perhaps just add the address at the very end.
    Just a suggestion....I will bugga off now because I sound like I'm running a dictatorship, uggh, I apologise for that! :)

    I have thoroughly enjoyed all your posts since you joined, nice to have you on-board!

    Ice xo
     
    Last edited: Aug 11, 2012
  13. brokenangel

    brokenangel Titanium Member

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    Thanks Ice! Unfortunataley NOOB's can not edit their posts :( !! But thanks for that, I came across it online randomly (a couple different places, actually) looking up addiction & sobriety.

    Twiz, I am hangining in there, thank you. Going through all of this has awakened a muse within me, and I think I am going to start writing again as psychological therapy.....

    Hope all is well for each and every one of you also. Keep those noggin's ticking & thought provoked!!
     
  14. pbuilder

    pbuilder Newbie

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    This non-sense about, "I am an addict and will forever be one, treatment can not help me" is such bullsh*t lol. Get over yourself just because you decided to hurt everyone in your life because you have no self control, and would rather be a f*cking junky for a short high rather than build a successful life is no one's fault but your own. And YOU CAN CHANGE THAT, it ain't gonna be easy. But don't f*cking kid yourself and pretend it's a disease.

    And I'ma drug user myself, I just hate that mentality, like how can you ever recover if you really believe you are helpless to it.
     
    Last edited: Aug 12, 2012
  15. Twizal

    Twizal

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    Destructive comments delivered with venom. Not helpful mate.
    Please read later post (12/08/12) made a mistake as a newbie .
     
    Last edited: Sep 11, 2012
  16. iceflame

    iceflame Palladium Member

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    pbuilder,
    you are entitled to your opinion, although I think you misunderstand the 'mentality' behind admitting you're 'helpless'.

    I beleive it's more about admitting you no longer have control of your drug use, the drugs now dictate your life, and until you make peace with yourself over that idea 'mentally' you can never make steps forward.
    You'll be perpetually stuck in that sick cycle.

    Unless you admit to yourself genuinely, and then reach out to others and speak honestly to them and ask for 'help' you'll never progress.
    Whatever your goals may be, from complete abstinence from your DofC or 'help' to manage a prescription med dependancy/addiction (drugs that you physically require to live a decent life) that has gotten completly out of control.

    I beleive everyone who is struggling, or has struggled with addiction ( in any way, shape, or form) has fought with themselves on a daily basis mentally, that inner dialogue of knowing you really cannot keep living this way but how can I change this? Where do I start? Who can I reach out to? What's my rock bottom? etcetera.

    When you are in the land of the walking dead, or already dead, in all that darkness and all you can do is turn to your drug(s) that's 'helplessness'.

    It's less about the stigma of being 'a weak piece of junkie scum' who lacks willpower, lies, steals, manipulates, murders, and would sell their mother & baby sister for a hit/or whatever, and more about shaking off your ego and pride, and admitting defeat.

    To choose to end your personal war, to raise the white flag and surrender.
    There will be some collateral damage, but there was damage done before drugs entered the picture...that's life.
    Making peace with yourself, and forgiving yourself and choosing a better life, beleiving you deserve better is key.

    "When you know better, you do better."

    (sorry for the rant everyone)
     
  17. Twizal

    Twizal

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    Sorry folks ,I meant my last post to be directed to pbuilder ,forgot to add the name. Ok ,I'll fess up I was actually trying to put the comment on the ' rate post ' and stuffed up.
    Now I think about it , it's the usual stereotypical misinformed verbosity you hear from generally ignorant people.,I was surprised to see pbuilder says he/ she is an addict!
    Pbuilder ,for your sake I pray you are one of the lucky ones that by odd life circumstances doesn't have to go beyond rock bottom just to start to get back up. Keep smiling mate. If in the future things go pear shaped we will still be here....for you. X
     
  18. source

    source Palladium Member

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    I was going to put some of your post in bold so I could comment on certain parts, but really all of it is a bit harsh, and the last sentence.. well... sums up your attitude really: you are a drug user but not addicted to anything right?

    I don't see myself as having a 'disease' per se. I see myself with a few mental issues which have unfortunately led to my drug use. I don't really like the word disease, it sounds as if addicts contracted their addictions, or were born with them or something. Addictions develop. We all have our ways of coping, and its not a conscious decision... I didn't wake up one morning and decide 'right, the only way I'm going to solve this is by taking a shitload of drugs', it just happens. Well it did with me anyway.

    There was a 'reason' why I started to recreationally use drugs when I was younger, I didn't know at the time, I just went with what my mind wanted to do. You might be in that position at the moment, idk.

    Well, thats a very stereotypical view, which is very naive and very nasty. I work full time and I actually do have quite a successful job - even with my drug use and recovery struggles.

    I'll leave it at that, but please have a read through the recovery and addiction forums if you have time, you might understand things from another point of view, instead of from an occasional recreational drug users perspective.

    Just 'my' opinion =P
     
  19. mygfuses

    mygfuses Silver Member

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    With age I can look back on all the twists and turns in my life and wonder at what could have been, had I known then what I do now. Plenty of regrets, but having to move forward with the choices I made.

    I gave up the most fabulous soul-mate anyone could ever possibly have over her heroin addiction. We met in college. Our love for each other was complete and intense, we were planning a life together. Get through school, get married, launch our careers, live our dreams together. Stay together.

    Found out she was still an occasional user, so I broke up. I wish I had communicated better and been more supportive, but she had two lives.

    One, upper middle class pre-med student as brilliant as they come, with family, friends, and relatives. Got superior grades in all classes, and worked at becoming a doctor. Turns out she went through medical school and is living her dream of an MD, in a tough competitive specialty.

    Second, heroin user and addict, with dealers and users that welcomed her into their world. A world of lies and cheating and using. Shooting up in the women's room and walking out into a formal dinner party. Having dealers come to her dorm room, with me sitting there wondering what they were doing.

    I saw both sides, and was dumbfounded at her dual world. But, at 19 I didn't know and hadn't been exposed to the drug culture, so I had no idea what to do. Even if I could have done anything. My reaction was, you can't do this. If you get arrested for possession, there goes medical school.

    Not a day goes by I don't think of what could have been, and I've never stopped being in love. But I wasn't going to come home and find her stretched out on the floor with an OD.

    I think she wanted to live a double life, both were exciting and fulfilling. But it was a life I couldn't participate in.
     
  20. brokenangel

    brokenangel Titanium Member

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    Fuses, I am so sorry to hear of your loss. It is a terrible thing to suffer such losses, especially loss of loved ones in any way. I am in a similar situation with a "functional" addict in the process of recovery.

    I too, have feared losing him due to being forced to cut ties. It is a long hard road to go down, that I just can not be a part of long term. Even though I love him deeply, and can't imagine wanting to be with anyone other than him. It breaks my heart all the time to have to think about moving on with my life, if that is what it comes down to. I do not wish to picture my future with anyone else. It makes me SO angry that I feel like I am being "forced" to even entertain the idea, of living my life alone - or with someone else..... one day, down the road. So goes the tragedy of a wasted love. Heroin has such a deep power over lives... the life of the user, and equally with the peoples lives surrounding them.

    You did what you had to do, and made a huge sacrifice to secure & protect your own future. No one can blame you for that, you could have lost everything. Far too often, people neglect their own needs to try and save someone else over, and over, and over. Somtimes, you have to know when to quit. When it endangers your own wellbeing, or threats are looming for one's own future ... then enough is "ENOUGH".

    This isn't something you can blame yourself for, you were there, with her, giving yourself to her. She chose the road she wanted to travel, and that is what we have to force ourselves to remember, "We can not control or cure addiction". There is nothing you could have done, she had to do it for herself.

    PLease do take care, and thank you for sharing your story with us.....
    (((hugs)))