My brother killed himself and i believe he was on meth

Discussion in 'Family & friends' started by ChristineR, Apr 15, 2019.

  1. ChristineR

    ChristineR Newbie

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    My only brother just turned 38 on March 1st. On March 10th he took his own life. We were very close (less than two years apart). I always felt more like his mother than sister. I always felt more like the mother of the whole family actually. I have an older sister as well. Our parents were always going out on the weekends and then they would come home and beat each other up and ransack the house then we would leave and live somewhere else for a while. I was the only person it seemed, in my house that cared about what happened to us kids, or our parents. I am beyond crushed without him. It's always been a shitty life but it didn't effect me like it did my brother and sister.

    I pretty much never tried anything but weed and that was only like five times. My brother was steady taking suboxone for years even though he never used opiates much, he jst got hooked to those cursed things. Also (he would never admit to me) he liked Benzos if he could get them (his wife would tell me sometimes he took too much and she was concerned). The only thing that stuck long term was the suboxone (subs as he would call them).

    We lived together from about 2012 to 2016. He was always in a relationship with his common law wife who he also has a daughter with that's 17 years old. He lived with me when they were fighting too much and he had to leave or he would go to jail. He got himself clean from the Subs like two times while living with me, cold turkey. But he wanted to go back to the area she and his daughter lived in to spend time with them. And he went back to using.

    He was such a wonderful person, he was more of a father figure to my kids than their dad. Taught my son everything he knows about hunting and fishing. Always checked up with us and everyone to make sure we were ok and all. He was very talented artist and gave people tattoos, could draw, tie flies for fly fishing. He's also always been somewhat of a self-destructive person and very unbelieving or suspicious and anxious. For example, he read the Bible but never fully bought in to any one ideology.

    All last summer I saw him happy, taking walks, didn't hear of any fighting with him an the Mrs., he seemed very happy. I thought my prayers for him were finally answered his wife has a little two year old grandkid from her daughter from her previous marriage. I thought the baby was giving him a new purpose and he loved her I could see.

    In about November he started sending me messages saying that I should start preparing just in case our country gets invaded, and he even said, "I know I sound crazy, but I'm ok. I'm just saying we need to be better prepared". And telling me I should have a protection permit and get a gun and learn how to use it(I lived two hours away and was a single mother by myself). Or he was constantly watching like conspiracy theory type videos on YouTube and sending them to me, about nuclear scare hoaxes, Vegas concert heli shooter, etc. I'd never really watch them and never suspected anything just thought he was concerned as he always was.

    Near the end of February he found out (or thought he found out) that she was cheating on him. He sent me pictures of birth control pills she had bought thru the mail. The were fighting and he even spent a night outside as she thru him out. He ended up getting arrested. I tried and tried to get him away from her and get help. I still didn't know he wasn't sleeping, was using anything other than most likely Subs he always did. The last couple times I talked to him, he was very aggressive and wouldn't listen to me, just accused me of calling him crazy and all. He was telling me she had his phone bugged and was trying to poison him. I tried to tell him to come back to me and live. He sad she didn't allow him.

    March 4th, He went to jail and that's where he killed himself. I can't really find any joy now. His daughter is crushed. Today she posted his and her picture and "I love you Dad and I miss you so much. Please come home." I can't. I can't . I can't. We are still waiting for autopsy and toxicology results. And I don't know for sure but I suspect he was doing Meth. He told me she (wife) was and is daughter says he admitted to her that both were doing it and they did it together(him and wife). The more I read about it, it sounds like he was doing it and maybe even had psychosis as well.

    And now I watch some of the videos he sent me I'm so sad and ashamed because they made me scared and anxious and knowing how he wasn't sleeping, was already anxious, and how he felt in his last days is too much for me. I'm just so heart broken. And scared for anyone that has similar mental health issues that decides to use Meth as well. I'm just seeking some insight and perhaps it may help me to get all these feelings out amongst adults and perhaps remind someone how important they are to their family even if they think the are not.
     
  2. Hee-man420

    Hee-man420 Silver Member Supporter

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    Your story touched me and my eyes got watery. Going through grief is extremely hard, and to be honest, I haven't experienced it like you.

    It is okay to be sad and ashamed and think of what you could have done. I would suggest you to share the guilt, depression and anxiety you feel as they are part of a healthy recovery.

    The results of the autopsy, I suggest you do not look at them, as I don't see how they would help you(someone, contradict me please). Meth and psychosis might have participated in his bad condition or his bad condition may have participated in developing a meth habit that induced psychosis.

    One thing is sure, his sickness took the better of him before someone felt it was necessary to bring extra/external help and had the guts to do it. I would feel guilty, personally (not projecting) and would try to educate myself and people around me to react at the right time given a change in behavior in a friend consuming X type of drug.

    I may go out of bounds for saying this, but finding the culprit, might it be you, him, meth or psychosis, won't make you feel any better. Go for acceptance and peace. Spread the words about the dangers of meth, the signs of psychosis and how to go through the death of a cherished individual in such circumstances... Forget about finding someone or something to blame, look forward.

    I'm no psychologist and I wrote this like walking on eggshells. I hope you perceive the respect I tried to convey and I wish you lots of courage to go through your very hard times.

    Take care
     
    Last edited: Apr 15, 2019
  3. ChristineR

    ChristineR Newbie

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    Well I thank you very much for your thoughts and concern. It’s the most terrible awful rendition of groundhogs day the movie playing again and again in my life. I work nights and nights are the bad time. So I sit a re-read messages from him and I’m working thru it the best way I can. I know it’s not good to figure out who to blame but not every night is an angry night. I realize I have a part in the blame. We all do. But that’s just a part of grief I think. It breaks my heart to think how much he meant to his daughter and all of us, but he didn’t know it or in his typical fashion, took it with a grain of salt as obligatory “you’re my sister” “you’re my daughter” love.

    I don’t want this that’s all I keep thinking. I never imagined in a million years he would leave me like this. He called me Friday and I was sleeping cus I worked the night before. Sunday he killed himself. I go thru the why didn’t he call me again and I’ve had some verrrrrry darrrrk nights. They let us go see him in the hospital before they took him for an autopsy... I replay that in my head. Seeing him lying there in a orange jail jumpsuit that they cut off of him... terrible...it has gotten somewhat easier. I guess the question I have tight is... if he was arrested on the 4th. And did this on the 10th, would be still be feeling terrible withdrawals? Still somewhat delusional?
     
  4. Hee-man420

    Hee-man420 Silver Member Supporter

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    That's a question I would ask a lawyer, really. But, imagine getting money for emotional distress caused by a faultive juridic system and still feel the void, all the replays and what ifs. I mean, it's honorable because it would make the system better, maybe, but I don't see how you'd benefit from it.

    But, I can't help but read that you're going through lots of pain, cognitive dissonance,confusion, empathy and even suicidal ideation. I wish I had enough experience to give you a great advice but at this point, I would abstain. Have you looked up resources for grief counseling?
     
  5. ChristineR

    ChristineR Newbie

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    I truly appreciate your insight and I totally did perceive your respect and I think you are right.

    I’m trying to move forward and today those terrible memories are fading some as well as the intrusive thoughts about it all. I have no regrets going to see him either. He looked peaceful and I had to travel back to help my mother decide what to do with him since he wasn’t married. Wife said he wanted to be cremated so that’s what we did. So thankful I got to see him looking peaceful sleeping instead of never seeing his lovely handsome face again.

    The feelings of needing to know the results are fading. It happened in a jail and they are keeping it quiet. He was telling my mom he was sleeping on the floor but warden said he was in a cell with cell mate? But then last week I made some calls and found out he left a note. So that calmed my fears that maybe someone killed him in there. It’s just a awful situation. I wish everyone could take from this that everyone has someone that truly needs them and loves them and thinks they’re wonderful and needed and valuable
     
  6. ChristineR

    ChristineR Newbie

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    Yes. I have went to a couple sessions with a grief counselor. I am far better today than I was the first weeks. It helps just to talk about it. I have a good support group. Two kids and a fiancé.

    My future is bright. My life is the best it’s ever been. I just got my RN not too long ago and dated making some good money. I’m about to close on a house as well. That’s perhaps why I feel most guilt. I feel as tho out of the shitty life we always had, he got me this far and I kind of got him this far. Now the past year, I got the future hubs and all happy stuff and so I let off a bit out of his everyday life. I was seeing all happiness with the baby and his wife and thought I could. Even with the kind of weird videos and stuff.
     
  7. Gnostic13

    Gnostic13 Titanium Member

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    I’m very sorry for your loss.

    I’m going to make this brief, a time like this doesn’t call for long drawn out lectures...you just need someone to listen for now. I hope you have such a person who will and knows how to do that for you close by.

    I come from a completely broken family. Never saw my dad. My mom was an alcoholic whore and I never met any other family member except my sis, and only once, when I managed to track her down when I was 14...over the phone, making more calls and asking more questions to more strangers who thought I was lying or a scammer than I care to ever remember. When my drunk of a father divorced my dysfunctional mom, she took me and he took her and that was that. Separated for life.

    Well, I found out somehow, too many years have gone by for me to remember, that she was in the army. She was 8 years older than me, but I do remember that even then, when we made contact and she flew out from San Francisco to see me, that something wasn’t quite right, that she was into dope or something, and she made cryptic hints that her bf in Cali wasn’t quite Mr. Perfect.

    I never saw her again. She disappeared and never made it past PFC first class in army. Well I looked for her again about 10 years ago. Google search turned up mention of her in the Mormon genealogical records in Utah...in the deceased section.

    One person who turned out to be my first cousin I never met who I found on a family history website after I posted looking for any other family only asked if I knew about her. I said yes, and asked if it was bad. They said yes. I left it alone. That person too has never responded again, just vanished like everyone else.

    A year later I flew out alone and located her grave. I placed flowers on it and talked to her awhile. I told her I understand...that deep down she too was as damaged as I was by our shit childhoods. That it caused a self sabotage like it had in me. That I forgive her for selfishly leaving like that but do hope her pain now is at an end and some higher power or better place now has eternally embraced her, and that pain I know all too well myself will never again be able to torment her while having no one or nothing else to turn to for relief, love, acceptance...

    While I was there it would have been an easy thing for me to inquire with the state to tell me what happened. I didn’t. Still haven’t. Won’t. It won’t bring her back, and if it is indeed bad, there’s no reason I want to know precisely. I only had to let her go. Another one. I hope a last one.

    I no longer try to find family. I ran away when I was 14 never looked back. I don’t let the scars it left affect me as much, I don’t wander and sabotage so much, but for years when I did, it only depressed me, made me dysfunctional myself and left me hoping some fatal mishap would just kill me and get it over with, in and out of jails, trap houses, shit jobs and failed relationships, not giving a damn. I’m done. Moved on. There would have been nothing I could have done to save her.

    And there was nothing...nothing at all, you could have done to save him. Only he could have, by finally having had enough of letting a painful past continue to wreck his life. But he didn’t get disgusted enough, didn’t have enough time. Like my sister.

    Maybe they are both up there somewhere, looking at us now and wishing we wouldn’t dwell on them, to simply remember them with love and nothing else, and hoping we then forget them, for they are gone now and WE are still ALIVE, we still have a choice not to follow that track, and they wish us to achieve what we want and make something else, far greater, with our lives.

    And I intend not to let her down. Don’t let him. He will find his final peace if you don’t, if he can see you finally be happy.

    Do that for him only. It’s all that matters now.

    Everyday above ground is a good day
     
  8. ChristineR

    ChristineR Newbie

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    Oh thank you so much. I’m very sorry for your situation as well. And sorry for your loss. Your words are truly touching and I appreciate them. I will remember them. That’s one that has helped, trying to remember that I do believe that he’s still around and sees us all. He’s just not physically here. And I just hope that he’s finally happy and at peace. I hope he’s not seeing us grieving so immensely over him and feeling even worse. It’s a great thing to be able to love yourself enough to go on with life despite bad things we have been exposed to
     
  9. Jack Davis

    Jack Davis Silver Member

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    I’m so sorry for your loss, reading this was crushing. I wish I could offer some insight to help you but the fact is that drugs steal people away from us and, eventually, take their lives. It sounds like he lived a full and happy life when he wasn’t using and at least you can cherish those memories. Maybe it’s nice to think he’s in a better place now, because it does sound like he was using meth and that can completely disfigure a person’s personality. All I can say is stay strong and keep going on. His memory will live on but your grief will fade.
    Once again Im so sorry for your loss, even reading this was painful to me. Be strong and keep living. Remember that there was nothing anyone could to help his struggle. Remember the good times you had with him. You have my utmost sympathies, stay strong. It might be good to reach out to other people who loved them because other people in his life are probably going through the same thing. Just remember, grieving is a process and in time the pain will fade.
     
  10. ChristineR

    ChristineR Newbie

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    You are right it’s nice to focus on the good times. And it may sound messed up but it makes it easier if he was because maybe that’s the only way he would’ve done this to me and us. His daughter is about to graduate at the end of May. And she’s all he won’t see my kids or my husband... I’m positive that my actually brother would have thought that through. But if someone is hurting so bad and their sense of reality is messed up. Then that’s more understandable in some way
     
  11. ladywolf2012

    ladywolf2012 Got diamonds in the soles of my shoes! Palladium Member Donating Member

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    Oh, Christine, I feel so sad for you. This was a painful thread to read because my mother committed suicide herself, although she waited until she was 64, and I was 32. Her whole life she had struggled with the demons of severe bipolar disorder, crippling depressions, and alcohol and pill abuse. I--we, my dad and I--both always knew that this was the way she would go, so the question was not "if" but "when." So her death was not a total surprise, but you can never be fully prepared for it, even if you expect it. She had a good long run and she fought tough battles, and even in her condition she managed to earn a Masters in Library Science and become the director of a large public library--so she was something of an enigma. Also, the funniest person I have ever known.

    I've written my memoirs by now (I am almost 69), and a lot of the writing relates to processing her life and death. This was absolutely essential for me to do, to let my own demons out. Unfortunately, I haven't published them yet, but should you be interested in reading a very strange, very personal book, I will be happy to send it to you. At the end of it comes forgiveness and redemption--and that's the direction that you should be heading now (though I hate the word "should.")

    Please, don't waste much time on guilt. Guilt is utterly useless and will chew you up and spit you out. In these situations, all of us who are left behind have done everything we could to try to help. Do not allow the phrase "if only" to creep into your consciousness. There is absolutely nothing more that we could have done than what we did. We each have our own destinies, our own roads to follow, and our journeys cannot be usefully interrupted by anyone else. We can offer support and aide of all kinds, but in the end, obviously, we all make our own choices.

    I kind of disagree about you finding out the results of the autopsy. Not that you should have all the gory details, but if there is a chance that he was murdered and did not kill himself, I think I would want to know that. Just that, no more. But that is, of course, totally up to you.

    Time will indeed work her magic, as she always does. Every feeling that comes up for you right now is totally valid, even if there are feelings that seem kind of "icky." You need to full process this for yourself and for your family as a group. I hope it brings you all closer together. Just know that you are likely to be all over the emotional map for some time to come, and that every emotion that arises is acceptable. Kubler-Ross's five stages of grieving: depression, denial, anger, bargaining, and acceptance do not come to you in a linear fashion, not at all. One moment you may be feeling depressed and then a beautiful butterfly will pass by and you will sigh a sigh of contentment. Accept whatever you are feeling, and drop any expectations you may have.

    Your brother was obviously a beautiful being. While it is way too bad that the latter part of his life got tainted by drug use, that does not negate his wonderfulness. Focus on that, not on the other. Be sure to take good care of yourself right now--you need it and deserve it.

    If you feel the desire to PM me, please do. I happen to be a Grief Counselor, among other things, so I am very accustomed to talking about death and loss. I am available to you any time!
     
  12. ChristineR

    ChristineR Newbie

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    Oh my goodness. Thank you so much for all your kind words and advice. I just may take you up on that offer. It’s like I can’t quit thinking about I. Or I do for a short time then I think of him and it’s a slap back to reality. But talking does help and hearing others insights helps to process different points of view. That’s what I figured would help me. Is talking about it certain times and thoughts and things. Other times I don’t want to even admit to my fiancé that I’m thinking about it... again... he’s so supportive but I fear he feels like he’s trying and trying and it’s not helping. I’m sure my mom feels the same way with her husband. But I can’t talk to her because again, she’s so child like it’s like you gotta watch what you say
     
  13. ladywolf2012

    ladywolf2012 Got diamonds in the soles of my shoes! Palladium Member Donating Member

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    Oh honey, it is all so hard. But I do want to agree with the feedback I got above about not offering professional grief counseling. Of course, I cannot do that. Everything is here is done on a layman, volunteer basis. But I would be happy to share with you what I have learned experientially. My mother's death is partly what drove me into the fields I chose. But I am retired now, and can talk about what I have learned, but on a non-professional basis.

    One thing I do know is that most deaths, be they suicides or accidents or illnesses, bring up feelings of responsibility in the survivors that are unrealistic. And sometimes even ugly feelings can come up, and they are the hardest to express. For example, when my dad--my last living relative--was lying in his bed dying of terminal brain cancer, it would occasionally occur to me that the kindest gentlest thing I could do for both of us would be to smother him with a pillow. This seemed like a HORRIBLE thought, but I had it, and the Hospice Support Group I belonged to totally got it and accepted it. Death and dying can bring up some pretty peculiar stuff at times!

    So I'll amend my offer. Yes, I would still be very willing to talk with you privately, but it would be on a casual basis--one member to another--that's all. I'm sure you have experiences of your own that would be valuable to explore now as a support to how you handle the processing of your grief.
     
  14. ChristineR

    ChristineR Newbie

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    Oh yes, no harm. I would not expect help professionally from you. I would accept anything that can help me get thru this and from someone that actually knows what it’s like. I still appreciate it and it’s definitely helped just talking to you all now. I am meeting with a grief counselor in my city. I just don’t want to feel like this I know that so whatever helps is appreciated. Especially knowledge and relatability.
     
  15. ChristineR

    ChristineR Newbie

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    Yesterday was my day off and for once I just wanted to feel happy. I got off at 630 am and drive two hours to future hubs to visit with him and the kids. I wanted to see the sun and do something outside. It was a good time.

    Today my brothers wife said his daughters graduation party is in June. His daughter also turns 18 the beginning of June. And that we should start planning the memorial now.

    I just feel sad. So sad. I think what I realize is, that I don’t believe he truly wanted to die. And that if there was one person he would have heard or listened to meth or not, it was me. I truly believe if I had went up there I would’ve seen him and known. And I would’ve done something about it. I believe he also knew that, that’s why he didn’t ask me to come up or ask me to do anything.

    It’s also partly their faults (my sister, his wife) because they all knew how he truly was acting and no one said anything to me really until he went to jail, about how bad the situation truly was.

    One of the last times I talked to him I told him come down here with me. He said “I want to but she doesn’t allow me” and his wife told my mom that she doesn’t want him to move down here and get clean then find someone else, and that new lady gets what she’s wanted all along with my brother...

    My mom also told me that before I got to the hospital to the day he died, his wife was looking at and checking my brothers face all over (he had a little beard) and she told my mom she was looking for bite marks from when she bit him during their fight.

    He was in trouble more than once for fighting with her even tho he usually had the black eye or the bite marks. I feel in the end, he was the abused one by almost everyone
     
  16. ChristineR

    ChristineR Newbie

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    It says I can’t message you
     
  17. ladywolf2012

    ladywolf2012 Got diamonds in the soles of my shoes! Palladium Member Donating Member

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    Sweety, oh, can I feel your pain. There is almost nothing worse than the blame we put on ourselves after a loss like this one--that feeling that we could have done something to prevent what happened, but we didn't. First off, though, let me congratulate you for deciding to take a day off to feel happy. You need to do this as much as you can!

    You're doing the "if only" thing right now, and I know that this is almost impossible to stop. But it serves no useful purpose for anyone--especially not for you. You were operating on incomplete information from your family and you just can't blame yourself for that. Yes, everyone in the family did play a role in this, but--please believe me--no one is to blame. Your brother was an adult who made some very poor choices, and his ultimate choice apparently led to his departure from the earth. Of course, your "normal" brother did not want to die, but your drug-addicted brother was another person entirely.

    The whole situation is just terribly sad, and my heart breaks for you. After my mother died, I spent months...maybe years...dissecting what happened and trying to figure out what I could have done differently, but in the end, my behavior would have made no difference at all. She was on a collision course with her own destiny, as was your brother, and none of us can run anyone else's life for them.

    Let the sadness well up, and let it out in any way you can. I hope you have a close friend or two you can use for support right now. A grief support group would be a wonderful idea for you. You can start by calling your local hospices--many of them offer grief support.

    Know that I am holding you in a very special place in my heart right now, for whatever good that does. Just know that you are NOT alone with this.

    I'll check out the message thing--that's weird, because I am getting messages from others just fine. Please try it again, and if you get an error message, please copy it and send it to me, or post it here if you can't send it to me.
     
    Last edited: Apr 17, 2019 at 5:37 AM
  18. ChristineR

    ChristineR Newbie

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    It’s so hard. It feels sometimes like I’ll never be whole again. I’m not whole I guess. I believe the people in our lives are part of our make up.

    It’s kind of bizarre, me and him were having a text conversation not long ago. And I told him that my bible study coach said each person has a spiritual gift. She said she believed that mine is empathy because I was telling her when people talk to me or I talk with them, I can feel their hurt, anger etc. and it feels like it actually sticks to me and sometimes weighs me down or sometimes feels like it takes my strength or will haha.

    And he made a comment that he thought that kind of made sense and that he thought our DNA seems to have memory or something to that effect. And that that’s probably why my gift is what it is... empathy.

    Now I’ve always always hated Sundays for some odd reason, they’ve always just kind made me sad or anxious and like I’ve always felt that I wanted my family and kids home with me and just for everyone to stick together. For as long as I can remember... I’ve also always struggled to take myself to church because of this. There was always something scary about it or the whole day that’s tied to it.

    And now that this happened I got that call at 7:26am on a Sunday, I feel like my heart always knew something terrible was going to happen on a Sunday.

    Ohhh night shift.... what other torture do you have for me tonight
     
  19. JaneGault

    JaneGault Seeking Shelter from the Norm Titanium Member

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    I have the same "gift". I suppose it is a gift in a way, but feels more like a curse at times. It can be a heavy burden for us. I have made myself physically ill by dwelling on others problems and misfortune. The only way I have found to deal with it is to avoid the source, usually a person. People don't understand when you tell them, I just need a break right now, because this typically happens at the time they need your support the most. I am still learning to take care of myself first.

    People with an over active sense of empathy sometimes use inappropriate coping strategies to protect themselves. Personally, I have gotten very angry and lashed out at loved ones when they really needed a good listener. I'm ashamed to admit that, but it has happened, and it is almost impossible to explain.

    If you have found something that works for you, I'd love to hear about it. My most sincere condolences. Your story serves as a reminder to stay close to those we hold dear, and I thank you for it.

    I hope you find a strategy to ease your pain. Please let us know if we can help in any way.

    Best wishes, Jane
     
  20. ChristineR

    ChristineR Newbie

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    Oh wow yes you are right! Sadly it’s usually my mom that this happens and I don’t really blow up on her I just get short then end up apologizing. She lives two hours away which is a good thing. And probably why it don’t get to a blow up.

    Honestly when I see something really terrible that makes me hurt for the person, I juts say the Lords Prayer over their situation and them. I’d i can help someone though I do. I’m developed a fine balance of taking care of me and when enough is enough.

    This is the most profound sadness I’ve ever experienced in my life for sure. I have no strategy. I haven’t found anything words or comparisons that can accurately describe it or interpret it.

    I’m still in the comparing stage, or relating everything back to this situation. Where I see older people at work and think about how he will never get old with me like them. And he’s everywhere... in my house, my town. Last summer was the last time I actually saw him.

    He left his favorite sunglasses sitting on a dresser in my computer room. They’re still sitting there. He fixed my screen door for me and I hugged him before he left and had the usual “he feels too skinny” thought. I look over at that parking lot and try to see him there.

    My heart hurts for his daughter she was with him every day of her life pretty much except when he was here with me.