My only brother just turned 38 on March 1st. On March 10th he took his own life. We were very close (less than two years apart). I always felt more like his mother than sister. I always felt more like the mother of the whole family actually. I have an older sister as well. Our parents were always going out on the weekends and then they would come home and beat each other up and ransack the house then we would leave and live somewhere else for a while. I was the only person it seemed, in my house that cared about what happened to us kids, or our parents. I am beyond crushed without him. It's always been a shitty life but it didn't effect me like it did my brother and sister. I pretty much never tried anything but weed and that was only like five times. My brother was steady taking suboxone for years even though he never used opiates much, he jst got hooked to those cursed things. Also (he would never admit to me) he liked Benzos if he could get them (his wife would tell me sometimes he took too much and she was concerned). The only thing that stuck long term was the suboxone (subs as he would call them). We lived together from about 2012 to 2016. He was always in a relationship with his common law wife who he also has a daughter with that's 17 years old. He lived with me when they were fighting too much and he had to leave or he would go to jail. He got himself clean from the Subs like two times while living with me, cold turkey. But he wanted to go back to the area she and his daughter lived in to spend time with them. And he went back to using. He was such a wonderful person, he was more of a father figure to my kids than their dad. Taught my son everything he knows about hunting and fishing. Always checked up with us and everyone to make sure we were ok and all. He was very talented artist and gave people tattoos, could draw, tie flies for fly fishing. He's also always been somewhat of a self-destructive person and very unbelieving or suspicious and anxious. For example, he read the Bible but never fully bought in to any one ideology. All last summer I saw him happy, taking walks, didn't hear of any fighting with him an the Mrs., he seemed very happy. I thought my prayers for him were finally answered his wife has a little two year old grandkid from her daughter from her previous marriage. I thought the baby was giving him a new purpose and he loved her I could see. In about November he started sending me messages saying that I should start preparing just in case our country gets invaded, and he even said, "I know I sound crazy, but I'm ok. I'm just saying we need to be better prepared". And telling me I should have a protection permit and get a gun and learn how to use it(I lived two hours away and was a single mother by myself). Or he was constantly watching like conspiracy theory type videos on YouTube and sending them to me, about nuclear scare hoaxes, Vegas concert heli shooter, etc. I'd never really watch them and never suspected anything just thought he was concerned as he always was. Near the end of February he found out (or thought he found out) that she was cheating on him. He sent me pictures of birth control pills she had bought thru the mail. The were fighting and he even spent a night outside as she thru him out. He ended up getting arrested. I tried and tried to get him away from her and get help. I still didn't know he wasn't sleeping, was using anything other than most likely Subs he always did. The last couple times I talked to him, he was very aggressive and wouldn't listen to me, just accused me of calling him crazy and all. He was telling me she had his phone bugged and was trying to poison him. I tried to tell him to come back to me and live. He sad she didn't allow him. March 4th, He went to jail and that's where he killed himself. I can't really find any joy now. His daughter is crushed. Today she posted his and her picture and "I love you Dad and I miss you so much. Please come home." I can't. I can't . I can't. We are still waiting for autopsy and toxicology results. And I don't know for sure but I suspect he was doing Meth. He told me she (wife) was and is daughter says he admitted to her that both were doing it and they did it together(him and wife). The more I read about it, it sounds like he was doing it and maybe even had psychosis as well. And now I watch some of the videos he sent me I'm so sad and ashamed because they made me scared and anxious and knowing how he wasn't sleeping, was already anxious, and how he felt in his last days is too much for me. I'm just so heart broken. And scared for anyone that has similar mental health issues that decides to use Meth as well. I'm just seeking some insight and perhaps it may help me to get all these feelings out amongst adults and perhaps remind someone how important they are to their family even if they think the are not.