SWIM told me.... Okay so I'm just going to explain my story anI want opinions on if i should be here and what the hell this place is about. I'm from Newfoundland, canada, moved to Grande Prairie Alberta this summer 2005 first time i've ever done coke, did 4 g's between myself and another friend, andtogether we weigh like 225 lbs. so i'm assuming that was a lot for my first time. Started doing it twice a month probbably 2 g's each time then started doing it every weekend, then twice a weekend, then got a boyfriend and the both of us started, thinking i would be able to not becom an addict. october month i was doing it 4 to 5 times a week, averaging a gram a day for the whole week, but weekend s would do probably a ball to myself, not alone though, like it even matters, then right after oct did it everyday, averaging apx 2g's a day, and every 3 days probably a ball at least, and that what its been like until dec 22 2005, came home for x mas and when i got home i had a hole in my septum, i was only using coke heavily for about 4 months but extremely heavily for 3 and during the time i could tell i was getting a crater in my nose, but figured it took yrs of absue to put a hole in the septum, I was wrong. I lost my job because of lateness, and calling in sick, i lost my boyfriend because we did so much and we were just so unhealthy together, home now trying to get clean, so we can be back together. I've never felt so addicted to soemthing in my entire life, and the come down for my is so incredibly excruciating and anxious that i feel like knocking myself out after that last rail is gone. I have support from fam and friends here, and i am so depressed, besides i had depression for yrs and have been taking celexa for that and i have an anxiety disorder, which is why i think the come down was worse for me then a lot of ppl. I've done it several times since i've been home, but the blow here literally blows, its garbage, and is a total waste of money time and of my health. its just so hard, all i want to do i a huge fat rail and i can't, which is good i guess. i'm used to doing half g rails and i have a serious problem, its really hard to stop thinking about it so i'm on clonazapam and occasionally ativan for the anxiety. i just need to talk with ppl who understand whats going on in my warped twisted mind right now. i want to get better, but i want to get fucked up so bad. I've been off it for 24 days now, except for the 4 times i've done it here. but the first was like 1.5 gs myself, the second was a half g and the 3rd was a third of a g (between 3 ppl) and the last time which was just this weekend, a g between 2 ppl. i think thats great considering the amt i used to do, but i feel so guilty for doing it period. anyone want to comment? It would be greatly appreciated, what helps, what can I do, and what has worked for you and just anything, anything at all. i feel worthless and hopeless, i don't know what i'm doing anymore. thanks.