New to the site and trying to quit coke

Discussion in 'Cocaine addiction' started by youngandwasted, Jan 17, 2006.

  1. youngandwasted

    youngandwasted Newbie

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    SWIM told me....

    Okay so I'm just going to explain my story anI want opinions on if i should be here and what the hell this place is about.
    I'm from Newfoundland, canada, moved to Grande Prairie Alberta this summer 2005 first time i've ever done coke, did 4 g's between myself and another friend, andtogether we weigh like 225 lbs. so i'm assuming that was a lot for my first time. Started doing it twice a month probbably 2 g's each time then started doing it every weekend, then twice a weekend, then got a boyfriend and the both of us started, thinking i would be able to not becom an addict. october month i was doing it 4 to 5 times a week, averaging a gram a day for the whole week, but weekend s would do probably a ball to myself, not alone though, like it even matters, then right after oct did it everyday, averaging apx 2g's a day, and every 3 days probably a ball at least, and that what its been like until dec 22 2005, came home for x mas and when i got home i had a hole in my septum, i was only using coke heavily for about 4 months but extremely heavily for 3 and during the time i could tell i was getting a crater in my nose, but figured it took yrs of absue to put a hole in the septum, I was wrong.

    I lost my job because of lateness, and calling in sick, i lost my boyfriend because we did so much and we were just so unhealthy together, home now trying to get clean, so we can be back together. I've never felt so addicted to soemthing in my entire life, and the come down for my is so incredibly excruciating and anxious that i feel like knocking myself out after that last rail is gone. I have support from fam and friends here, and i am so depressed, besides i had depression for yrs and have been taking celexa for that and i have an anxiety disorder, which is why i think the come down was worse for me then a lot of ppl. I've done it several times since i've been home, but the blow here literally blows, its garbage, and is a total waste of money time and of my health. its just so hard, all i want to do i a huge fat rail and i can't, which is good i guess. i'm used to doing half g rails and i have a serious problem, its really hard to stop thinking about it so i'm on clonazapam and occasionally ativan for the anxiety.

    i just need to talk with ppl who understand whats going on in my warped twisted mind right now. i want to get better, but i want to get fucked up so bad. I've been off it for 24 days now, except for the 4 times i've done it here. but the first was like 1.5 gs myself, the second was a half g and the 3rd was a third of a g (between 3 ppl) and the last time which was just this weekend, a g between 2 ppl. i think thats great considering the amt i used to do, but i feel so guilty for doing it period.

    anyone want to comment? It would be greatly appreciated, what helps, what can I do, and what has worked for you and just anything, anything at all. i feel worthless and hopeless, i don't know what i'm doing anymore. thanks.
     
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  2. Nature Boy

    Nature Boy Gold Member

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    Sounds like you're in trouble. You've been taking WAY too much, way too soon. The problem with coke addiction is that there's really nothing you can take to take off the edge of the withdrawal. You're basically gonna have to use incredible willpower. You have to take everyday as it comes and just prevent yourself in any way possible from doing that one line you so badly want. Try to preoccupy yourself with something that still interests you. I wouldn't recommend trying different drugs as a substitute (I would normally recommend psychedelics but with your anxiety disorder it's best not advised).

    All I can really say is good luck and keep the fuck away from that line. Punch yourself in the face if you have one in front of you, anything, just don't do it. At the rate you've been snorting your heart is probably under great stress already so remember that the next 8 ball, the next gram, the next line even, could put you in hospital or kill you.
     
    1. 4/5,
      Good advice
      Jun 12, 2014
  3. Putty

    Putty Newbie

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    I know what you are going through. The first few months are extremely tough. You simply must avoid the people, places, and things that may take you there. You must also avoid alcohol completely. This is a contest of will and no one will tell you straight except another addict but if you can't beat that little pile of powder, yoy really aren't worth shit. I only say that to help you.

    Cocaine is one of the if not THE most addictive substance. You are in for a fight and nothing is going to help you except will power, the desire to win, and some friendship support if you can find it. You can't get support from others that are using though. No matter how good of friends they are you must avoid them.

    keep a calender with the days marked off, keep a diary of how you feel, and create lists...lists of things that are important, goals, your strengths, weeknesses, aspirations, to do, whatever...keep youself busy and be absorbed in yourself in as positive a way as possible

    courage and strength to you...you'll need it
    one last thing...there's no such thing as cutting back...quit 100% or you lose
     
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  4. youngandwasted

    youngandwasted Newbie

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    SWIM asked me to pass this on....

    thanks so much guys, really appreciate the input, i know what i have to do, it just eats at me wondering how ong before i don't want it anymore. there is one side of my brain telling me, i WANT it, the other is whippering, you don't. and i now i don't but the twisted part does.
    i had a total flash back last night, decided to right down what it was, and started writting about the situation that led up to this photographic memory of what was happening. and i realized the flash back was not imp, it was what happened that day. it was so significant, almost like a turning point in my life there where i choose to become an addict. i choose to go out and do coke with loser rather then go home with my man. I felt so good after i wrote for an hour straight. but the whole time i was writting i was majorly jonsing and craving and physically and emotionallly hurting for coke. but i got through it. and i just felt so wonderful after.
    its alll about celestine prophacies.........no coincidence.
     
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  5. Putty

    Putty Newbie

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    SWIM passed this on.....

    the heavy jonesing should pass in a couple of months or less. It gets more difficult if the people are around or contact you that you use with. You know waht you must do about this if you are sincere.

    I quit in 1990 after a 10 year, daily use run. I went through a fortune and was close to death many times. The desire for it never goes away and I mean never. But you don't crave, if you can see the diff here. I am still vulnerable today and so I watch my step. You must do the same. You have a bad habit and the worst thing you could do is minimize it.

    It can kill ya early and soon...I've been to the funerals. Those that have quit...they run into the wrong people, go on a little run and end up in a box. The ones in my experience are the most vulnerable are those that were heavy
    into sports in school. The enlarged heart thing. I'm no doctor, I just know of 3 right now off of the top of my head that are dead with this same history.

    happy trails and don't be a weak suck...stand up for yourself. It's probably the closest thing to the actual devil you will experience in your life time.
     
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  6. youngandwasted

    youngandwasted Newbie

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    SWIM passed this on....

    you know i'm starting to really believe that this is one of the worst and hardest addictions one can experience. but my uncle was a heroin addict for 8 yrs or more. he started doing that to get rid of the come down off coke. fucked up jump, don't think i would ever do that, just tylenol or my anti d'd and my ativan and rivitral(clonazapam). I know I can't cut down, i have to stop and that why i'm here back home and i want to do whatever it takes to get better so i can go back to edmonton, not grande prairie because thats the shit hole that got me into this shit in the first place, but i have friends and fam in ed, and my bf is quittitng selling it soon, and hes going to come live with me this summer in ed. I feel like i have a great oppertunity to change my life around again, and i really need and want to take it. i've only been at it for 1/2 yr, but it was obviously alot, so i'm hoping it will be okay, i know it will be okay. i think like this, i fucked up young, i'm only 20, and i still have the rest of my life. i'm glad in a way to have screwed up at an early age, and to hopefully be done with it now. thank you so much, you guys are great.
     
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  7. u4ic

    u4ic Silver Member

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    SWIM passed this on to me...

    Time heals all wounds. Make it as easy as posible on yourself by elimating all temptations. Your will power is going to fluctuate. You would be best by cutting off any ties to sources you have. Never personally been addicted to coke. The main reason is that it's not around enough for that too happen. It wouldn't be good if it were in my face all the time. I like the fact that it requires some time and work to get. It's things like that, that will keep it away from you. Expecially in the beginning when you are the most vulernable. But the more clean time you have under your belt the stronger you will become. I would say you and your bf need to take a break until your both commited to being clean and staying the heck away from the stuff. Don't think you can quit while he still sells.
     
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    1. 4/5,
      Sensible advice
      Jun 12, 2014
  8. youngandwasted

    youngandwasted Newbie

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    I said...

    yeah i just smoked at joint, got enough for the weekend and i am also having a cig right now. lol.
    I actually moved back home by myself and he is still in AB and He made me stay home after xmas, because we both were 2 very unhealty ppl to be together. I love him and he loves me but we agreed to get better before we can ever be together. He was still selling it for a while but he just told me a couple days ago he is soon going to quit selling it, go to school(10 up grading bullshit) then is moving to Edmonton where i'm going to be the end of spring. SO we'll see what happens. anything could happen. its that that is kind of pushing me to get through this as quick as possible, so i am going to this 4 week stay rehab place thats really small and nice. i think it will help to be around ppl who are dealing with the same stuff, as well as constant councel. Only 15 ppl at a time or something.
    I really want it to be over, so badly. but i still, so badly want to do it. But kicking it was what i want most. theres no way i can live with it anymore.
     
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  9. Zaphod_1

    Zaphod_1 Newbie

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    There is hope

    :) Hi, right now your churning emotions will be tearing you up inside but you've made a good choice to go to rehab, stick with it and you'll be a whole new person in a month's time, guaranteed. It's a process you have no choice but to go through unless you want more of the same.

    When rehab is over, I would strongly recommend NA (Narcotics Anonymous) meetings, some people don't believe in 12 step programs but you must realize that your addiction is much stronger than your resolve or will power - any-one can stop for a few days or so under pressure but it takes strength that goes beyond personal strength and the support of other addicts to make for a genuine life-changing experience.

    Get a sponsor as soon as possible so you have some-one you trust to talk about the things that you can't discuss openly in meetings, remember you will be in a state of emotional flux for a time so avoid being too open in meetings during that time of vulnerability as you don't want to alienate yourself from others who also have their own issues. The therapeutic value of one addict helping another has no parallel but addicts certainly have their faults so if you remember not to place great expectations on others, you'll do fine.

    Hope it all goes well for you, this too will pass, take care now.
     
  10. youngandwasted

    youngandwasted Newbie

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    thank you so much, that really gives me some hope and aspiration to get rid of this demon. And i totally understand whhat youre saying about totally relying on another addict. they have theyre probs and i have mine, and i certainly wouldn't want any added stress to mine, but talking and sharing and connecting will be beneficial to me.
     
  11. Zaphod_1

    Zaphod_1 Newbie

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    Re: Rehab & NA

    Swim's life was recently turned upside down by relapse, he realizes his neglect of NA meetings and understands your circumstances. So much pain on physical, mental and spiritual levels but cold turkey withdrawal is also a very cleansing process.

    I am dealing with some very powerful emotions at this point in his recovery but is deeply relieved to have real feelings and to be participating in life again as opposed to living in a comfortably numb plastic paradise that can never be sustained.

    Hope all is well, take care!
     
  12. youngandwasted

    youngandwasted Newbie

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    cool. thanks for the enlightenment. I'm not sure it takes a whole lot of shit to get in, have to get a social worker and psychiatrist and my gp, to fill out shit, then i have to fill out shit, then i either get turned down or accepted, and they only take 14 ppl at a time here in nfld, so it coiuld be forever so i wnatto go to nova scotia or something if its going to take that long. maybe in 2 months though i won't want to go.
    whats your deal anyhow? what's your flavor?
     
  13. Zaphod_1

    Zaphod_1 Newbie

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    That long wait for rehab sucks, hope they come through for you soon, just do NA meetings for now (at least one a day). You may even be able to get into an Out-Patient program which is the next best thing. Swim's poison was opiate painkillers.
     
  14. youngandwasted

    youngandwasted Newbie

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    i was thikning about buying and growing some poppy seeds to try smoking. i've never done it before
     
  15. Zaphod_1

    Zaphod_1 Newbie

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    You'd do well to keep that thought out of your mind. There's no denying that opiates give a strong euphoric high for a time but then they turn you into a slave because it's very very easy to get addicted. I've never known any one who could successfully chip at or casually use these drugs unless they were addicted to something else.

    Casual use turns into daily use which turns into hourly use and at that point it's only done to avoid getting dope-sick (withdrawals) - where's the pleasure in that! The drug demands your total devotion every single day. Once a habit is established (which happens all to easily), you will eventually have to come down, your supplier may let you down or for whatever other reason, you'll have to come off it and it's a nasty drawn out nightmarish experience to go through and there's no avoiding it period. Some treatment methods involve substitute drugs like Buprenorphin or Methadone which help to prevent withdrawals but they are still opiates.

    Another reason not to try opiates is that they change your psyche permanently - you never rid yourself of that nagging background craving. You can however learn how to deal with cravings through the NA program. Point being, you are better off not trying it in the first place because it will leave you with indelible memories which can over-ride all rational thoughts if you are not vigilant.
     
  16. youngandwasted

    youngandwasted Newbie

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    I said...

    yeah, i was thinking about it, now i'm thinking its to much trouble to go through,buying, growing, and cultivating, and then you tell me all that shit, thanks, i'm not even going to bother, or try it.
    Its funny how when you are an addict the "rational" things you think about when they are extremely stupid, and once again getting into another addivtion, which is much worse. my mind was saying heroin is bad, but opium isn't as bad. and thinking i would just try it once in a while. but thats exactly what i did with coke, and look wherer that took me.
    I'm a nut.
     
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  17. Zaphod_1

    Zaphod_1 Newbie

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    Young&Wasted, I'm relieved to see that you are getting some clarity here, Swim considered cultivation also, so many people do and it's great to see that you recognize what drove the Cocaine addiction. One thing I would emphasize here is that drug addiction kills us in a spiritual and emotional sense long before over-dose and death become a possible outcome.

    I know that working the NA program builds up our spirits & lays the foundation for the fulfilment of our dreams and then some i.e. more than we could possibly hope for or conceptualise especially in early recovery. Consider high profile recovering addicts like the members of Aerosmith, they are now living life beyond their wildest dreams but if they hadn't taken hold of a 12 step recovery program they'd most likely not be here today because our disease of addiction is progressive, incurable and fatal - also cunning, baffling & powerful. I love being clean today for so many reasons, we get to have real feelings instead of anaesthetized or deadened feelings and although we get the harsh, negative emotions (along with the good) at various times in recovery, I would not trade my worst day in recovery for any "best" day in active addiction!

    In NA we learn that compulsive use of drugs is the physical aspect of the disease of addiction, obsession is the mental side of it and the spiritual aspect (the core of addiction) is our self-centeredness. From the NA Basic Text on Step 1: "We felt that we could stop whenever we wanted to, despite all evidence to the contrary. Denial, substitution, rationalization, justification, distrust of others, guilt, embarrassment, dereliction, degradation, isolation and loss of control are all results of our disease (of addiction). Most of us are relieved to find out we have a disease instead of a moral deficiency. We are not responsible for our disease, but we are responsible for our recovery."

    The first step in NA: "We admitted that we were powerless over our addiction and that our lives had become unmanageable", 2nd Step: "We came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity" Note that NA does not endorse or impose any specific religion or creed or dogma, no pledges to sign, and no sermons or hymns in NA period. The main point of the second step is that we need to believe that the God of our understanding can restore us to sanity and all it takes is a sincere desire to stop trying to solve the problem on our own (because we've proven many times over that we can't) and to reach out to the God of our understanding who can. The steps that follow on, hinge on our honesty and willingness to take a fearless moral inventory of our lives, to over-come our self centeredness - that all is rewarded with restoration of our lives on all levels.

    I hope this has been of some help to you and I would stress that if you can't get into a rehab center, NA meetings on a daily basis will benefit you hugely.

    Take care now.
     
  18. RunRedFox

    RunRedFox Gold Member

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    alright i have a completely different view on how to overcome addiction. ive been to a 12 month rehab that didnt work ive been to outpatient and inpatient and NA and AA none of these worked although they wernt my choice in the first place.

    my answer to addiction that has helped SWIM overcome his morphine/coke addiction is a regimine of pyschedelic experiences. I have found that tryptamines interrupt his addictive thinking and phenethylamines make coke feel almost inactive. I think some mushrooms could help your plight without a traumatizing stay in an instution but just a thought.
     
  19. RunRedFox

    RunRedFox Gold Member

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    also wellbutrin interrupts some of the mechanisms in our brain that contribute to addiction, also helped SWIM with morphine also a regimine of vitamins will get your body feeling normal faster and tyrosine can help replinish your dopamine quicker so you dont feel so bad that cocaine seems to be your only option.
     
  20. TheTrueBlackMeat

    TheTrueBlackMeat Newbie

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    First off, don't admit to selling drugs on a public forum such as this. Please use the acronym SWIM. You would not want the police or law to hassle you, or the people who provide this forum.

    William Burroughs (a trustable source) cites that you only crave cocaine as long as the cocaine channels are stimulated. Stay off the coke, maroon yourself away from society for a while where you cannot get any if you have to. I have never taken cocaine, so he cannot relate.

    However, what I can say is the following:

    The drug addict is fueled by the search for something that their default state of mind does not provide, something that is required. Ultimately, the choice to take cocaine is always in your hands, understand this. Remember, if you quit cocaine now, you don't have to quit forever. You can always go back to cocaine if you want to. If you think you have to quit forever, it makes staying away from the drug 10,000x harder.

    Your feelings of hopelessness and worthlessness may be accurate, examine why you have them and if you should have them. I'm not going to tell you you're a golden magical human being, but I'm not going to say you're not either.

    Figure out what you want in life and go for it. That's the only thing that will help you. Otherwise, you are choosing your own misery, and I have no urge to help a person that brings shitty things on themselves.

    If you are not willing to endure feeling like shit (i.e. withdrawal) to get what you want (non-addiction/not feeling like crap due to drugs), you will always feel like shit. Remember this.

    I have his own addiction, but he is aware of his reasons and he is fine with it, and the effects of it on his life. I could quit... But he doesn't care, he likes it.

    How you interpret/use this information is completely up to you.