Off of the Opiates (longish)

Discussion in 'Opiate & Opioid addiction' started by greener, May 31, 2005.

  1. greener

    greener Silver Member

    Reputation Points:
    May 29, 2005
    Alright, well here's my story...

    I've done a lot of different types drugs, but never liked any of them,
    with the exception of those in the opiate family... After
    experiencing nearly every opiate, I found what I thought was all the
    happiness in the world: poppy tea. Best of all, it was easy;
    though the drug is illegal, all the ingredients and supplies are quite
    easy to obtain legally AND cheaply. It was so easy, in fact, that
    I kept poppy tea as a very closely guarded secret. I did it for
    two years without a soul finding out, and I sure as hell didn't tell
    anyone. I could function quite well on it -- better while on than
    off, actually. While dealing with some immense mental health
    issues, it seemed to make things okay, or at least make the world not
    seem quite so daunting. Needless to say, use became daily and
    remained that way, my dosage increasing substantially as I
    went... Still, none of my friends found out (and none of them
    would have been understanding of such things, so that's good), not even
    my girlfriend (of nearly 4 years, still going)

    Then, my parents found out. I was just getting ready to move out,
    and I was discovered. So, I quit. Withdrawal was absolute
    hell, but I made it through. The problem was, I knew in the back
    of the mind that I didn't want to quit. Everyone thinks you feel
    better after a successful kick, right? Not true at all...
    Everything in my life became impossible to deal with, and I lost
    interest in even my strongest interests. It didn't take too long
    for me to break down and rationalize the situation... I thought,
    "Well, I'm not strong enough for life without my filter. What are
    my options?" The only two that I could come up with were suicide
    or using again... I did this several times, and could always stay
    clean until something came along that shifted my world and I didn't
    know how to cope. In all, I was addicted for about 4 years, and
    all the while, poppy tea was my drug of choice. Sometimes this
    was only 2 weeks, at its longest it was just over 5 months -- and after
    returning to use after my longest break, I realized all the things that
    I'd previously kept in the back of my mind...

    I didn't ever use the drug to get high -- in fact, I avoided drugs that
    got me high, as I don't like the feeling of not being functional.
    That was the precise reason I used for so long -- it MADE me
    functional... All I wanted was to feel normal, and that part of
    me hasn't changed. Now, however, I feel that I must be normal
    without this crutch, as all the lying and deception I've performed in
    its name have become too much to bear. I am still very in love
    with my girlfriend, and knowing that I am too chickenshit to let her
    know about these issues is tearing me up inside. Beyond that, the
    fact that I have this complete secret from everyone has made me wonder
    if I will ever be able to be the compassionate, intelligent, funny, and
    kind person that so many believe I am, or if that person is merely a
    product of drugs.

    So, I took my last dose six days ago, and my resolve to find that
    person has made any withdrawals seem so minor that they went virtually
    unnoticed. I know the resolve is only temporary, however, and
    that while I can stop using this drug on my own, I can't stop being an
    addict, and that side of me will be able to rationalize future use, no
    matter how far down the road. So, tomorrow morning I begin
    outpatient treatment, to learn how to deal with the inevitabilities of
    sobriety and perhaps see the ways in which I can still be the same
    person that the drug made me. I am scared as hell, and I have no
    idea how I'm going to manage a job and treatment (3x / week), but I
    paid in advance so I'd be damn sure not to find a way out.

    Sorry about the long post, but once I got going, it was hard to stop,
    especially since this was the most lucid and coherent I've ever been
    while sober. And I'm only going to get better....

    Edited by: greener
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 3, 2009
  2. Yassy

    Yassy Newbie

    Reputation Points:
    May 16, 2005
    [​IMG]well done !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    i think half the battle is actually getting the nerve not to start the day with your drug of choice

    it is scarey but it can be done,,i done residental treatment(rehab) for 5 months the first time and 6 months the last time,,i had afew wobbles but now a few yrs clean but i do like a spliff in the evening[​IMG]

    i hope you succeed and there may be times where you think that everyone is talking bollox but they are trying help

    take care[​IMG]
  3. daveman

    daveman Silver Member

    Reputation Points:
    Jan 19, 2005
    yeah after doing a drug so long you think you need it to become normal, and that is when you get fucked. because you wil do what you ahve to inorder to get it. you have to learn to like life sober, although it is better on opiates, since they are the best drug out there.