Recovery? Addiction? and other curiosities.

Laying in bed after work do last night and thought I should check in. Last time I did coke was on the 17th September, I didn't post it at the time as was taking a new approach of trying to put less pressure on it and overthinking every time I do it. Was one of you lovely people who pointed out my usage isn't an addiction but not a great outlet nevertheless. Been using recreationally for 10+ years but it is a slippery slope and no one is invincible so need to keep balance between not putting...

I was in two minds whether to post an entry for the most recent use but the whole point is to time stamp usage, plus I kinda just need to put my thoughts somewhere. So I did coke again last night and I also did it last weekend, so it's now two weekends on the bounce. I've was on a pretty rough 5 day depressive comedown since the first weekend so how I even managed to look at it this weekend is beyond me but here we are. Still dating the new guy, still excites me, he's been away this week...

Me again - Just having a little re-read of my previous entry and I remember posting that which at the time was when the tide shifted and I really started to feel better mentally after being away from cocaine for a few weeks. That has continued and mentally I have been doing great, I found the excitement for life again now that I have been away from the pit of the comedown for a few weeks. Even met this guy who for first time since the divorce feels difference, I have dated etc but this one...

It has been 5 weeks since my last post and can pridefully say all has been well. Almost. For me, I am 5 weeks' clean and in a much much better state of mind, a lot of the bouts of depression I had I think were due to the cycle of coming down all the time, I get moments of apathy and anger but trying to quit cigarettes and I can be hormonal at times so its probably that! I think its human to have a variety of emotion, not everything can be good all the time but now when I am sad or down...

So I think its best to start off with a bit of backstory. I first took cocaine 11 years ago at the age of 15 and looking back I was far too young to understand process of the high, comedown and after effects. Since then cocaine has been a feature in my life consistently but sporadically. I have never seen my relationship with the drug an 'issue' because my usage was once every 2-3 months. I have never used daily, its only at weekends, most frequent it has ever been is 5 weekends in a row but...