Shadows of my Mind

I was doing really well stayed clean for weeks and then last week I messed up. I went to my doctor for a Suboxone dose last Tuesday. And ever since I haven't been there and I've been using. I used my last dose of street fentanyl Monday morning at 8:30. And Im going back to my doctor finally today in 5 hours at 9 am. I'm so scared I woke up anxious and little sick. I'm guessing around 8 in the morning I'll start feeling really bad. Idk what went wrong I was doing so well. Then I couldn't get...

at the void Throw empty alcohol bottle across the room cuz I don't fckin want it I'm just replacing one addiction for another I'm Suboxone sick surprise and I used a whole 5 days or so starting on my birthday Missed my appointments Fcked up If I just loved myself more I wouldn't be giving all my time and energy away to them and letting them run my emotions into self destructive behaviors No more risky behavior no more drugs no more fckin living with straight up addicts No more relationships...

Swear to god I'm going nuts. Bro you can't just hold on to my money my id my belongings my things don't belong to you I don't make money just for you to take!!!!! I don't exist to keep you high I swear to god I will leave And maybe one day you'll get yourself help too I'm sorry Iim sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry It just hit me I'm just about to turn 28 and I've wasted an entire decade almost doing this.. I've been using here in this place since 2016!!!! Sure the homes have changed.... But...