Hi guys, I'm making this post to vent about how I've been feeling the past 2 weeks, preview it hasn't been good. I've been feeling incredibly empty, to the point where I've been looking for enjoyment anywhere, first I resorted to casual hookups, now I'm looking to relapse on drugs and it's definitely not something I want to do.
My DOC was Fentanyl, I'm 22, been clean from them about a year now with the help of rehab and Subutex treatment. I'm living with my parents now, but wasn't before, I abandoned my old apartment in a bad area of PHX where all the Fent Pushers are. Needless to say my addiction brought on a lot of trauma. Relationship torn with my parents, instable relationship with my Girlfriend for a year resulting in a breakup and cut contact. I still feel the pain from these things, and still feel alienated.
These nights are the worse, I swear I wake up in the mornings optimistic, but when the day progresses the more and more I start to feel empty. It's a very physical feeling, it feels like a lack of dopamine, it feels like a hole in my chest constantly nagging at me. Crawling in my skin, begging me to search for something to relieve it.
I really don't know how to get to a point where I'm not feeling this way anymore. I have a lot of fears instilled in me from my prior addiction. I realize how fickle a lot of things are, material objects and such, people. I feel like I have an idea of where I want to be, but no idea of how to get there. It's one of the most frustrating feelings.