Another day wasted. I'm now two truck payments behind. It's getting it paid tomorrow but that's all the money we have. I'm sad, truth is I woke up today, everything hit me as if I was shot in the brain and i went right back to using. I spent every possible sent we have for nearly 3 weeks on cola, It's like I completely disconnected from myself and went on auto pilot for nearly 3 weeks.
We spent nearly 10k in less than 3 weeks to the point where my dealr actually cut us off.
My husband did too but he suffers
So badly the entire time with psychosis, he's almost paralyzed and can't stop me. I have moments of clarity and completely break down, once that small excruciating reality subsides , I Immediately go back to the needle, I'll get it all cost.
This time it literally cost me everything, my job, apartment by month end, every bill is behind. I already lost custody to my Mother years ago, lost it all.
Him and I constantly argue over how I've become this consuming monster. I literally just don't care about anything right now I go through 5 g in about 14 hours then move on to his. I hate it in this moment because I'm not that evil person. But after I start craving , it's game over, it's like I literally walk out of my body and mind to become an absolute delirious monster.
I just can't stop. I have no choice but to call detox tomorrow and go. But I'm after I'll keep keep dreaming
Playing out this nightmare.