Where I Am With Drugs: Marijuana Addiction and others

So, currently I am seeking to quit a marijuana addiction. Considering my experience with drugs this may not seem like a big deal, however this has been my biggest crutch since my mid teens. The effect the marijuana provides is mildy enjoyable at best due to such an extreme tolerance, averaging an eighth a day. I depend on marijuana to an obscene degree for basic destressing and daily functionality. I've truly convinced myself that basic emotions beyond psychotic rage and depression are simply impossible without marijuana. Recently I was fired from a job because a coworker ratted on me for smoking at work. I often choose not to eat reliably in favor of buying drugs. I am embarrassed to be so dependent on something that provides no real benefit for me, and in fact has been harming me for years. So, I would really like to quit using marijuana everyday as a crutch.

I've been familiar with drugs my entire life. From roughly age 3 I would watch my mother drink so much that I'd rather not speak of it. I tried my first cigarette at nine. At age 11 I encountered my parents smoking marijuana. At age 15 I snorted cocaine with them, and by 18 I was a reformed amateur opiate addict experimenting with all sorts of psychedelics and stimulants. Drugs were the way my family coped with the stress and injustice of the world around them. From what I witnessed, it was a very effective and powerful way to disconnect from reality, and enter an altered state to achieve a desired emotional or mental state. In fact, as far as I know, there is no other method more extreme and expedient to change mood and behavior, for better or worse. From a young age I aggrandized the culture and effects of drugs, surrounded by people under it's influence. I can remember chugging caffeinated soda and eating junk food to get sugar rushes as an early consequence of my addictive tendencies. I really couldn't wait to drink a beer just like mom to see why it was consuming her life.

My real drug use began with my marijuana use when I was about 15. Before that point I had certainly gotten drunk and goofed around with cigarettes, but the effects of marijuana were so overwhelming and captivating that I became a daily user virtually immediately. The power and intensity of my own thoughts when enhanced by marijuana was simply unmatched euphoria at that point in my life, and perhaps since. My mother permitted me to be homeschooled so I could smoke all day. Many aspects of my life dropped in quality, and some increased as you may expect from a high school drug user. The details are irrelevant, but in short it was quite a fun period of youth balanced by serious mistakes and shortcomings. I had many good surface level social interactions at events such as parties, my confidence had increased somewhat and when I used drugs alone (which was the vast majority of the time) it assisted in the creation of my initial adult identity through self reflection and exploration of rudimentary philosophy concepts. On the other hand, I completely ignored such human aspects of life like love/romance, formal education, and self discipline all in favor of abusing drugs alone in my parent's basement. Drugs became the primary sense of satisfaction and achievement in my life, fueled by a daily addiction and a compulsion to force changes in my state of mind for novel thought processes leading to some level of personal growth.

I depend on drugs way too much to be healthy, and that is clear to me. I have conquered both opiate and cocaine addiction as a teenager, neither being particularly easy even considering I caught myself mere days into the daily use period. Despite my reckless relationship with drugs I always respected the power and damage they are capable of causing. Every addiction I've had I've recognized as a problem as it arose and attempted to deal with it early. I've tried other addictive drugs such as amphetamines and alcohol without the same result of daily use, primarily due to my respect for the power of drugs. However, despite all this, I have been using marijuana constantly throughout all of this, an approximately 7 year period. I attempted to quit once, and was clean for about a month before coming back to due to the simple desire to be high again, bewildered and enchanted by my own brain. At some point I justified my addiction by claiming at least it wasn't a "hard drug" like cocaine or hydromorphone (although I was using weed the whole time through those as well). This perception was not helped when my government did what I perceived as a validation on my thoughts on marijuana addiction being "safe-ish" for daily use by legalizing it and selling it on every street corner. Now I know how alcoholics feel about liquor stores. My marijuana addiction was normalized in comparison to the "harder" drugs I had struggled with before, and this led to complacency with marijuana being a necessary part of my life.

As I type this I am smoking marijuana. I want to break this cycle of using drugs every day. At the same time I am fucking terrified to live life sober. Where will I run to when the loneliness becomes too much? How can I live in a world I find so upsetting without a crutch to lean on? I think every addict has some perfect vision in their mind of the best case scenario for their drug use, somehow magically using drugs just often enough to not cause a panic attack about being sober for life, but just sparingly enough to avoid any addictions or compulsions. I don't know if something like this is possible for someone like me, and that terrifies me too. I want so badly to have a healthy relationship with drugs, but I wonder if I am capable of reasonable use. Is it all or nothing for me? Is the old AA adage true? I am really looking for consultation on what healthy drug use could look for someone like me, as to give hope for a future where I am not an addict but I am still involved and interested in drugs. This concept of using drugs without caving to addiction will lead me to my next, most controversial and stupidest decision.

When I lost my job because of my marijuana addiction, a switch went off in my head. It wasn't shame or guilt, but it was a desire to break free. It would be accurate to describe it as rage directed at myself and my addiction demons. In that moment I wanted nothing more then to be free of daily use marijuana. This led me to think about my other drug addictions and general drug knowledge. In short, I remember how painful it was to quit marijuana cold turkey the first time, and using that as an excuse, I purchased a lump sum of kratom to "help me make the transition from an ounce a week to a joint on the weekends," or something along those lines. Considering my previous opiate addiction, this seems quite fucking stupid. I continue to justify this decision by saying since it's so hard to get reliably (through the mail etc), once I run out that'll be that, and a week of kratom use will be a cake walk compared to 7 years of marijuana smoking. In truth, this is still my plan, but I have extreme doubts as to it's efficacy. On Monday I'll get my kratom, and I plan to take five grams to see how a lower dose feels. Assuming all is well after a day or two, I will take ten grams from there, and perhaps fifteen if a more intense high is desired. I have a naloxone kit just in case, but I don't think anybody has sprayed oregano with tramadol analogues since the early 2010s. I am going to try to do this safe, and truly pray that I don't swap one addiction for another.

That is the short summary of where I am today in relation with drugs. I would really love to discuss this with anyone who cares to leave a comment. I feel very confused and afraid about all of this, and whenever I had questions about drugs as a young man I came to this lovely website. So once again I call to you drugs-forum, for help in understanding my self and my situation. Feel free to ask for details and no question is too personal for me, I love the attention . I hope I can use this to catalog my journey both past and present. Thanks for sticking till the end.