I am sick of myown addiction

By LittleBabyNothing · Mar 7, 2017 · 3.3K · 6

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I have finnally reached the point where I am sick of myown drug abuse. I have basically no veins left, I do not get high anymore.It just gets worse. I am in a really dark place at the moment (That is the reason of my dissapearance from DF for a while) and my addiction has gone totally out of controll.

I hate this intoxicated feeling my body has, like it would be full of something really sickening.Besides, my skin has strange reactions and I guess, I have to check my liver.

I guess, I will take a break (At least- try), because I want to feel like a normal human being.Like to wake up and feel good, satisfied with life, not only having this feeling that everything ok only when I shoot up, not having this rithual in place of morning coffee.I want to learn feeling good without drugs (Don' t we all, haha).But, in the same time, I know that maybe even tomorrow I will (Well, I am actually 100%sure) start to carve them bad and they will be the only thing in my mind. Sad, but true.This love and hate relationship will never end. And I will never be the same person I was before all this drug thing happened in my life.I am sick of my DOC, but, in the same time, I would not mind staying permanently high for the rest of my life.This is not going to end up well.But, after all, life ends up with death anyway, so it is going to have a bad result in 100%of cases.

UPD. And do you know what is the saddest part of it? Not long after writing this I did it again. Somewhere deep inside I knew this is going to happen.
I guess, it was Nikki Sixx who said that you are an addict when you can not use drugs anymore.
Ironically right.
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Comments

I believe with enough determination, strength and faith in yourself; you'll get out of deaths grip. You just gotta at least try..

Mandizzle, Apr 1, 2017
1. Obviously, I am not ready jet, as this entry was posted some time ago and I just keep trying to quit and allways returning to needles. But thanx for good words.
  
  LittleBabyNothing, Apr 1, 2017
2. You'll get there luvvy... you just got really want to, and do the things you need to in order to make sure you stop for good... I'm here if you need moral support, I have my faith in you
  
  Mandizzle, Apr 1, 2017
3. Yes, some day, I know.In my fifties, I guess.At the moment I have relapsed hard and have no illusion about the whole situation.In this aspect I know myself too good to have any faith in myself, haha
  
  LittleBabyNothing, Apr 1, 2017
You claim you want to learn how to live happy without drugs... Always remember, one passion needs to be replaced with another one, if u have reached the point of your life where u feel like it is no longer easy/possible to handle a drug addiction, then try to replace your drug abuse with another entertainment. U don't often find me high, because i believe there's a thin line between "use" and "abuse", my tolerance to any substance I abuse is very low and that's why u don't find me high all the time, cuz I know how to escape from boredom when I am sober.

TumajNuri, May 16, 2017
1. Amazing advice. I personally used meditation and yoga for those times when I was bored and craving.
  
  SuddenlySober, Mar 9, 2018
If you are having troubles with the withdrawals then maybe try kratom..ive been on it for a few months and the red strain has worked wonderful for me..I dont get high off it I am just able to maintain. I would also like to point out that if your sick of your own addiction the option of taking a break "for a while" isn't an option..its either u stop for good or dont..we addicts cannot control our use..its either death jail or sobriety for us.. No other way is possible..can't socially use, in time it will be back to daily use..

Tonya koehne, May 25, 2017
Is it just me, or is recognizing your own struggle someone else's, kinda feel like running into a long lost, beloved friend? Thank you for posting. I'm tired.
I hope this site is what I'm missing. 7yr 12 stepper, now finding bigots are alive and well. I want so bad to connect, but those who "get it" in the rooms often miss the insight, of "I do but I don't" use. If that make sense. Thanks again.

J5228, Sep 24, 2017
1. I think, you will find a lot of good stuff in this site. I have been thinking about going to some of 12 steps meetings in my country, but I am in a quite stupid position at the moment for that (Not going into details).
  I am still suprised that people find this article (At that time this was personal blog section) and comments on it.Since that time I have managed to be in a lot of worse places than that I could not even imagine existed (Like lost everything in few seconds etc) and I am still using. Witch leaves quite sad options for future, I guess...
  
  LittleBabyNothing, Sep 24, 2017
I know exactly where your at brother. I’ve been back and forth from hydrocodone , morphine , and heroin for about 8 years and I hate my decision that I made my first time taking a bunch to get high, because it changed my entire outlook on the world. I suggest suboxone if you want to get anywhere close to quitting instead of cold turkey. The DTs you go thru are terrible depending on how long you’ve been using and tolerance. I’ve purchased my doc before and wanted to throw it out the window because I was sick of the routine. Prayers to you and your journey. I’m on the same road as we speak

Houstontx1989, Jan 5, 2018
1. Suboxone is definitely the way to go y'all. I know from personal experience with oxycontin and heroin and fentanyl addiction that id be dead without the Subs. Its only a start though because while you're on the subs you have to change your way of thinking. Please try meditation. Do some research on how it can literally change the way you think and not only help you when you're having a craving, but retrain your Brain to just not want the drug at all. I was a heavy heavvvvy user and with subs and meditation I am completely sober. And then the meditation helped me so much that I am successfully living without the Suboxone now as well. There is hope for us guys.... we don't have to let this disease win. -Brittani
  
  SuddenlySober, Mar 9, 2018
  
  MethHead69 likes this.
I think addiction is such a disempowering concept. I support people to do what they need to d. But I have been dependent on multiple substances but it isn't static. I'll have issues with meth, and then be able to cut don and use every now and then. I can have opioid dependence and then make sure I quit for a couple weeks every month or so (mostly because it breaks the shit out of my bank account in Aus 1g = $600-700 RN).

Pont being that whole "addict" I am a victim of disease and have no control theory takes away agency and ignores ow dyanmic ost people's use is.

Good luck on your journey but maybe look at other ways of understanding your dependence whether emotional or phsycial. Some ways to control or decrease use can be empowering and not so final.

drugbabe, Oct 20, 2022