Wait it Out

everybody says that time heals everything;
but what of the wretched hollow, the endless in-between?
are we just going to wait it out?

- Wait it Out, Imogen Heap


Lost in Time by ashsivils on DeviantArt

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11.37p

it's been a little over an hour and a half since i popped 150mg of dextromethorphan. still not feeling it. thanks, Tolerance; you're a peach. second or third day that the DXM hasn't worked as anticipated, as it usually does. mental note: time to start upping the dosage. next time maybe i'll go for 210mg.

oh, wait...okay, there's just the slightest little edge of a buzz coming on. if "buzz" is the word to use. it's just the edges of the DXM's creep into my broken brain, but it's enough to let me know that it's there; it hasn't forgotten about me and peaced out from the party.

time to pull out the scale and the dope, so i can measure my plug and an oral dose to chase. never plugged before; wondering what dosage to go with. eh, good ol' Tolerance has me going pretty high these days...i'll start with a quarter-gram. .250 for a plug sounds pretty good, and i think i'll load another .250 in the gel cap. alright let's do this.

ahh, .250 right on the button. alright set that one aside for the plug. re-tare the scale with the gelatin capsule, measure out again. first crack, .219. do i want to stick to the script, or go ahead and stop here? ehh fuckit; in for a penny, in for a pound, right? i keep going. nailed it.

starting to feel the DXM a little more now. ok, so it's still working for me...just takes longer than it used to. good to know.

draw up a little water in the syringe, add it to the dose for the plug. swish it around with a toothpick until it's dissolved. it's obvious i didn't crush all the gear evenly when i washed it a week ago after picking up; some of the larger pieces, though still smaller than half a grain of rice, are taking a while to dissolve. or maybe a little less than a teaspoon of water just isn't enough, and it's saturated now. oh well, don't care. draw the whole lot back up into the syringe and get into position.

11.55a

after what seems like forever (read: maybe 5 mins), all i've felt so far is a gentle warmth radiating through my rectum. gonna grab a small anal plug from the drawers between my desk and my bed. i'm thinking that if nothing else, it'll help me keep things in long enough to work.

12.50a

once the plug was in, i...well, i wasn't "horny." i really wasn't; i don't care what it does for other people, but meth doesn't "make" me horny any more than eating a slice of pizza does. [a clarification here: physically i'm ready, but sensation-wise nothing.] but for whatever reason, i felt what was almost a compulsion to masturbate, not because i particularly wanted to but just because. it didn't hurt that i was wet as fuck, like meth does usually do (though not usually that quickly...side effect from plugging?) and an eternity later, here i am, sweaty, disappointed, and horny as all fuck off. what normally would have taken 5-10 mins with a toy for one, if not two orgasms (sometimes it happens, *shrug*) has so far taken nearly an hour, and i blame it on the fact that my clit is completely numb, a fact which i realized just as the body sweats from the dope set in. another side effect? perhaps.

note to self: no plugging if sex is planned, anticipated, or possible and desired. hell, just don't plug if there's a guy around, or even remotely likely to come around. or girl. fuck, just no plugging unless i'm by myself and confident i'm going to stay that way.

it feels like i was away from the computer for hours, enjoying and yet getting oh-so-frustrated with the session, yet it was only an hour. and that includes that time spent awkwardly twisted into an inverted pretzel, one leg on the edge of the bed, ass in the air, my right boob resting on my lower cheek and the corner of my mouth.

i wasn't feeling anything particular when i finally came to an agreement with myself and took a pause. no rush, no high, just those same edges of DXM creep from earlier. now it's been six minutes, and i'm definitely feeling something, though whether it's the DXM playing catch-up or the plugged dose, i can't say. i just popped the other quarter-gram capsule down the ol' gullet as well, since i meant to take that just prior to doing the plug but forgot. (i think i had some faint, back-of-the-head idea about both doses hitting at the same time. oh well; i failed.)

i'm really not happy about the numb clit, but it's beginning to regain a little bit of sensation, so i'm trying again. i even did something i've never done before and put a bullet in my ass, ME, who doesn't really enjoy ass play. but i did enjoy this. still nothing though. it's still in there; let's turn this thing on...

1.09a

"Spellwork (MNDR Nighttime Remix)" by Austra is playing on Google Play. the rhythm and the mood it conveys i'm realizing right now are perfect for a dirty, nasty fuck sesh, as i passively listen to the music while i play. but then i also realize i'm going to miss what the song's called, and since i'm not getting anywhere yet anyway i got up to type this.

my clit is still numb. it was a false alarm.

1.21a

the batteries in my ass bullet have died. i didn't realize just how high i am and stood up far too quickly when reaching for new ones, nearly launching myself headlong sideways into the wall at the head of my bed. whew, gotta be a little more careful there. i wonder what my ex would think of the wire coming out of my ass, or the fact that i plugged meth tonight. no. get that thought out of your head. don't let him kill your vibe (no pun intended).

i'm getting some real feeling back in the places it had abandoned. at least i'm pretty sure this time. it's dirty, and i've gotta fight for it, but i have an idea, and i think i can get 'er done with one last push here....

3.38a

now the other bullet's batteries are dead, and i'm taking that as a sign that, no matter how much i want it now, and no matter how good it feels trying to get there, it's just not meant to be tonight. still don't have full feeling where it counts, and it's annoying as fuck...but it's just as well, since pretty soon it would be numb from vibration anyway. i need to get this bullet out of my ass so i can get dressed and go have a cigarette.

FUCK i've gotta find a way to get him out of my head. can't keep having him take over my thoughts almost every waking minute, or i'm never going to be able to move on and get better, get back to me.

fuck me, i'm thirsty.

4.11a

a trip to the bathroom, a bottle of water, and two cigarettes later i'm back here at the computer, buck naked again, tucking into a beer. changed the station on Google Play; "Drive" by The Cars is the first song up, and i couldn't say why but it feels oddly appropriate.

i'm higher than a fucking kite right now. half a gram is nothing to scoff at, and that's what i took tonight. ohhhhh man this was a bad idea. honestly i'm amazed i can even see the keyboard right now, much less actually type. in fact it seems i'm typing better than i have been sober lately i was typing better than i have been sober lately, until i realized that fact and started paying attention to my typing. then it started getting all fucked. now i've gotta backspace every third letter.

Rod's on my mind again, playing tug o' war against a copy of himself in my head, violently yanking me from vindictive, vengeful anger to desperate, lovesick hurt, and back again, over and over. it's been like this every night for the past week now. no, two weeks almost. ever since i found out about the cheating that i had pretty much known about by now, subconsciously anyway. it's been keeping me up at night, puffing away trying to think about something, anything other than him. my sleep schedule's all turned around, and it's wreaking havoc with my life.

i wish my heart had a switch i could flip, or a fuse i could pull, some way to turn it off and stop feeling. i'm not asking for specific emotions to have switches, cuz that's asking too much. just, give me a way, other than dope, to simply not feel, but one that sort of hits a reset button for everything. i want so badly not to love him, because ultimately it's my love for him that makes me hurt. if i didn't love him, if i didn't care about him so much, he wouldn't be able to cut me so deeply, and his betrayal wouldn't hurt nearly so bad. but i can't simply "not" love him, there is no switch or fuse, and dope is the only means i know, however temporary though it may be.

and so i sit, getting high in my room at night (and sometimes during the day), every night, as i have been for the past two and a half months. i didn't used to use daily, not until after the split. was about a week after "the blow-up" that that started. just anything to numb the pain, to shut off my emotional side and let my rational brain breathe and process and do what it needed to do, without interruption. it's been daily since.

heh, "Love is a Losing Game" by Amy Winehouse just came on. perfect. it's true though, or at least in my experience it is. and yet i keep foolishly trying to play that game, getting my ass handed to me before i can even get out of the locker room.

dammit, i had just started using for only the 'right' reasons (i use that term loosely here...i know there's no such thing as a right reason to use drugs recreationally) again when all this shit came down. two months, TWO MONTHS! i had spent, smoking daily, even when i couldn't get high, just trying to catch a moment in which my whole soul didn't ache, and i had just gotten back to using simply because i wanted to, or for fun, or when socializing, and not as a form of ethereal pain management. then within the space of an hour i went from debating whether i wanted to still get him a birthday gift or not to wanting to bash his teeth in with a fire extinguisher and mash his skull on the curb until his brains turned to mush. and i wanted to rip her gut open and vomit in it until it was full.

this is not like me. this is not like me at all.